Love Life Update: Another One Bites the Dust
So I’m a bad blogger. It’s been over a week since I’ve posted anything. How have you all been able to stand life without me? I’m sure you were waiting with bated breath for my next installment from Crystal Land. (Please note the sarcasm.) And I know I left off in the middle of my vacation, but before I get back to that I think I should let you all in on something that happened before I left for NY.
Catherine asked for an update on my love life and I actually have one. The Monday before I left for my trip I was hanging out with my parents and doing laundry so that I could pack anything I wanted for the trip and I had another text conversation with Stargazer (because we really barely did anything but text).
The result of the conversation: I gave up. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. All the dramatic whimpering about this and that – and especially about me – was more that I could possibly take. I’m dramatic enough, I don’t need any extra from a man.
As some of you know I’ve been considering a dating moratorium for some time. I mean I’m perfectly happy with my own company and the company of my friends. Plus, with all the overtime I’ve been working, lately I’m too exhausted to even make it through my favorite TV shows (I fell asleep during Castle this Monday night so I don’t know who the killer is!), let alone accomplish anything of worth on a weeknight.
Any energy I have should really be devoted to pushing hard toward my graduate school and publishing goals – at least until Christmas, right? So a moratorium is a good idea. Of course if a guy was AMAZING and swept me off my feet I wouldn’t complain.
But this guy was not a sweeper. I could go into a lot of the reasons why it wasn’t working and wasn’t going to happen (and how I tried to nicely let him down by saying “I’m just not the girl for you”) but the details aren’t really that important. He’s just not the guy for me.
I need a guy with the emotional fortitude to handle a woman like me. A man who knows how he feels and tells me. A man who pursues what he wants – including me if I’m on the list of things he wants – even if he doesn’t know how it’s all going to end.
A man who doesn’t plan on living in SD for the rest of his life, but who wouldn’t mind doing so (as long as we were going to live in one of the top 6 cities in the state – Murdo is not for me). A man who is deeply passionate and deeply expressive. A man with dreams of his own and a life of his own. A man who doesn’t want his life to revolve around me but who wants me in his life.
I can’t be the sun for a guy, but I’d like to lay in it with him.
Anyway, after he texted me a sob-story about how things weren’t working out with some other girl he was dating and then mentioned that he and I have our own “issues” I tersely told Stargazer that I didn’t think we should talk anymore (via text). The truth is I had been trying to think of a good way to end things for a while – like since my trip to see my sister. But at the moment that he sent me another text asking me what I wanted I broke. I realized there’s no such thing as a good way to end things. I needed to break it off as soon as possible.
“I don’t want anything.”
I don’t remember the rest of the text conversation, but I know I said several things to the effect of: “I don’t think we should talk anymore.” And “I don’t want to date you.”
He tried to call. I didn’t answer.
He asked me to call him when I got home from my parents’ house. I didn’t want to, I figured he would try to manipulate me back into the friend zone and then keep trying to convince me to chase his passive-aggressive ass (if you were to ask him he would say that he was neither passive-aggressive, nor manipulative or a drama King. I disagree).
So, I didn’t want to talk to him, but I was trying to be nice about things, so I called. He didn’t answer. AWESOME!
The next day he wrote me a long e-mail that, against my better judgment, I read. I don’t remember now what it said, but he was trying to plead some sort of case. It was a lame attempt to present evidence of something. That we should be together? No that wasn’t it. That I should want him and I was making a big mistake? Maybe. That he was a better man. But better than who? Me I guess.
Well good for your Pancake-Lawyer-Man. You win the better man prize. If you feel you must have it I wouldn’t be able to convince you otherwise anyway.
It was clear from the e-mail that he was never going to be happy with any explanation I gave for why we were a bad match. (Maybe I should have told him that I wasn’t particularly attracted to him in person – just over text and e-mail.) That’s probably why he felt some kind of need to plead a case.
Too bad there wasn’t a jury available so that we could do it up right. He thinks he’s good with juries – maybe getting the take of a group of strangers would have assuaged his confusion about me.
So no more Pancake Man/Stargazer.
I don’t know about you all. But I’m relieved.