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My Solar Return

November 4, 2010

First things first…a little shameless self-promotion: As some of you know I wrote a guest post for my friend Catherine last week (Sexting)…I wrote one for my friend Beth this week (One Wild Night) and I’m working on one for my friend Dennis and another for my new acquaintance Simone. I feel like I’m on a book tour! It’s such a great compliment to me that these folks are willing to host me on their blogs and I feel more free to talk about things that — for some reason — I don’t feel very comfortable discussing on my blog.

Specifically sex.

I don’t know why I’m a little shy about it on my blog. FYI: My post last week about sex was a BIG step for me. HUGE. Very difficult. Thanks to all of you who were kind enough to support me.

Okay, on to my Solar Return.

“Did you know that on your birthday the Sun returns to the exact position in the sky as it was the day you were born? This is called a Solar Return. Investigating the position of the planets during your Solar Return can give you a great deal of insight on the upcoming year.”

That’s what the e-mail said this morning that urged me to get my Solar reading. So I did it. It didn’t seem uber-insightful, but it was fun. And hey, it’s my birthday today! So far it’s been a pretty good one, but honestly I’d rather it not happen. I don’t want to be another year older — and even more honestly, I haven’t even managed to cope with the idea of being 30 yet.

I feel much like I did last year at this time. Like I’m not ready to be this age yet. That’s why I’ve decided to be 29 again — I may just stay 29 forever (or as long as I have enough chub in  my cheeks to pull it off). I don’t know what I thought I would have accomplished by now, but whatever that thing was, I don’t feel like it’s done.

I guess I did think I would be married by now. And I thought I might have kids by now too. (Not that I want kids. I was just sort of resigned to the fact that I was going to have them.) I also thought I would have a job and a career that I could be proud of. I suppose I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished that either.

There are a lot of things I want to accomplish in my life, so it could really be any number of different things. But most of the things I want to do or be don’t have much of an expiration date on them. So, it must be the marriage and the career stuff. I kind of hate to admit that to myself. It sounds like I feel like a bit of a failure.

And I guess I do. My ‘life’ is still looks like what I think my 20s should look like. I thought my 30s would look much differently. But form the outside it looks pretty much the same. Maybe that’s why everyone thinks I’m 25, because my life is 25.

Well, I’m different than I was in my 20s — in mostly good ways (the only bad way I can think of is my waist size). But it’s just not what I expected it to be.

It’s strange because I’m not unhappy. I’m just not living up to my own expectations of the life I thought I would have at this age. Last year I tried to let go of those expectations and get over them, but I guess they’re still here. And I know the married part is probably the biggest one. Especially since I was in several relationships that I thought would end in marriage during my 20s. That’s probably why I never expected to be single in my 30s.

Man, I’m totally doing that cliché woman thing that I hate and reducing myself to my relationship status. And I don’t know how to counter-act it. But I really feel like I’m behind everyone else — in fact ever since I graduated college I’ve been feeling like I’m not getting anything done fast enough.

I emerged from the haze of college and realized that so many people around me had been graduated for years, gotten married, been given great jobs and had kids while I wasn’t looking. While I was still studying for mid-terms.

I know it’s possible that I’m ahead of all of them in other ways — that I have accomplished big things in my own right. But they aren’t the ways that everyone sees and for some reason that still matters. It matters because people do ask you what you do for a living as soon as they learn your name. And people do treat you like there is something wrong with you once you’re my age and unmarried.

(And of course, by you I mean me.)

Well, my birthday is technically over. Maybe I can keep from thinking about it too much between now and next year. Heck, maybe I’ll have an amazing career and a husband and a kid by next year and I won’t feel like I’m behind any more. Happy Birthday…PTHHHHHHH! Time for a drink. Or some chocolate. Where’s my cake dammit!

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. November 5, 2010 8:05 am

    Hey Crystal, I can’t tell you how much I feel what you are saying. I’ve personally never cared about my age that much, until this year. Suddenly I feel old and off track. I was always early for everything in my life, early to get married, we were going to have kids super fast… I felt like I had time to spare. And now that I’m starting over, I feel old all of a sudden and behind everyone. And for me, I know it very much has to do with my marriage status and my status of not being a mother (and probably not going to be anytime soon). My career is OK (not great, but OK) and I’m happy with where I live, my friends, closer with my family than I’ve ever been. Yet because my romantic relationship house is not in order, nothing else seems to matter. I know that I need to reconsider this, encourage myself and remind myself of all I do have, and that age is nothing but a number … but … I’m just not there yet.

    Happy belated birthday. I hope this year is a great one for you!

    • November 5, 2010 9:59 am

      Thanks for the birthday wishes and the empathy about what my brain has been saying about being single. Silly brain. I want to be single, but I feel behind because I’m not married with kids. I don’t understand.

  2. Just Saying permalink
    November 5, 2010 10:01 am

    Happy Birthday!

    I like the comment – “Everyone thinks I’m 25, because my life is 25.”

    I like that. I believe that. Young at heart, you’ll appear to be/look younger.
    I”m 38, and feel and look like I’m 30-32. (thank gawd for lots of sunscreen and inability to tan).

  3. November 5, 2010 5:14 pm

    I enjoyed your post. Here’s an irony for you. I’m married with a great family, and I feel I’m behind because I don’t yet have a great career to go with it. :)

    As for lying about age, I’ve started saying I’m ten years older than I am. That way, people think, “Wow. She looks great.”

    All the best, and Happy Birthday!

  4. November 8, 2010 1:00 pm

    Hi Crystal. Funny, I keep seeing your comments on the blogs that I comment on, and I couldn’t remember if I had read your blog before. I’m 63, and I’d love to take every young woman who feels “off track” because she hasn’t made the same choices so far in life that others have and fast-forward you 20 or 30 years. You are making a commitment to your own well-being. It will be the basis of everything else you do in life. Your relationships will be stronger for it. I have friends who didn’t marry until they were over 40. I have friends who did marry young, divorced, then didn’t make wise choices in a spouse until they were older than 50 or 60. And yes, you are so much more than a relationship. BTW, I’m linking your blog to mine and subscribing.

  5. November 8, 2010 10:09 pm

    We’re close in age to each other so I feel I can relate to you. I’m 31 and thank goodness I’m not in my 20’s anymore! I had no idea what I was doing or really where my life was going and the worse part about that was that I thought I had it all figured out. I still dont, but at least i know that now and can take control of my life a little better Anyway, happy birthday – this could be the best year of your life!!

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