My Solar Return
First things first…a little shameless self-promotion: As some of you know I wrote a guest post for my friend Catherine last week (Sexting)…I wrote one for my friend Beth this week (One Wild Night) and I’m working on one for my friend Dennis and another for my new acquaintance Simone. I feel like I’m on a book tour! It’s such a great compliment to me that these folks are willing to host me on their blogs and I feel more free to talk about things that — for some reason — I don’t feel very comfortable discussing on my blog.
I don’t know why I’m a little shy about it on my blog. FYI: My post last week about sex was a BIG step for me. HUGE. Very difficult. Thanks to all of you who were kind enough to support me.
Okay, on to my Solar Return.
“Did you know that on your birthday the Sun returns to the exact position in the sky as it was the day you were born? This is called a Solar Return. Investigating the position of the planets during your Solar Return can give you a great deal of insight on the upcoming year.”
That’s what the e-mail said this morning that urged me to get my Solar reading. So I did it. It didn’t seem uber-insightful, but it was fun. And hey, it’s my birthday today! So far it’s been a pretty good one, but honestly I’d rather it not happen. I don’t want to be another year older — and even more honestly, I haven’t even managed to cope with the idea of being 30 yet.
I feel much like I did last year at this time. Like I’m not ready to be this age yet. That’s why I’ve decided to be 29 again — I may just stay 29 forever (or as long as I have enough chub in my cheeks to pull it off). I don’t know what I thought I would have accomplished by now, but whatever that thing was, I don’t feel like it’s done.
I guess I did think I would be married by now. And I thought I might have kids by now too. (Not that I want kids. I was just sort of resigned to the fact that I was going to have them.) I also thought I would have a job and a career that I could be proud of. I suppose I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished that either.
There are a lot of things I want to accomplish in my life, so it could really be any number of different things. But most of the things I want to do or be don’t have much of an expiration date on them. So, it must be the marriage and the career stuff. I kind of hate to admit that to myself. It sounds like I feel like a bit of a failure.
And I guess I do. My ‘life’ is still looks like what I think my 20s should look like. I thought my 30s would look much differently. But form the outside it looks pretty much the same. Maybe that’s why everyone thinks I’m 25, because my life is 25.
Well, I’m different than I was in my 20s — in mostly good ways (the only bad way I can think of is my waist size). But it’s just not what I expected it to be.
It’s strange because I’m not unhappy. I’m just not living up to my own expectations of the life I thought I would have at this age. Last year I tried to let go of those expectations and get over them, but I guess they’re still here. And I know the married part is probably the biggest one. Especially since I was in several relationships that I thought would end in marriage during my 20s. That’s probably why I never expected to be single in my 30s.
Man, I’m totally doing that cliché woman thing that I hate and reducing myself to my relationship status. And I don’t know how to counter-act it. But I really feel like I’m behind everyone else — in fact ever since I graduated college I’ve been feeling like I’m not getting anything done fast enough.
I emerged from the haze of college and realized that so many people around me had been graduated for years, gotten married, been given great jobs and had kids while I wasn’t looking. While I was still studying for mid-terms.
I know it’s possible that I’m ahead of all of them in other ways — that I have accomplished big things in my own right. But they aren’t the ways that everyone sees and for some reason that still matters. It matters because people do ask you what you do for a living as soon as they learn your name. And people do treat you like there is something wrong with you once you’re my age and unmarried.
(And of course, by you I mean me.)
Well, my birthday is technically over. Maybe I can keep from thinking about it too much between now and next year. Heck, maybe I’ll have an amazing career and a husband and a kid by next year and I won’t feel like I’m behind any more. Happy Birthday…PTHHHHHHH! Time for a drink. Or some chocolate. Where’s my cake dammit!