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Men Have the Upper Hand…

March 3, 2011
Man above woman in bed, sexy

What do you think, who has the upper hand in bed? And does the person with the upper hand in bed ultimately have the upper hand when it comes to relationships? (It kind of feels like it to me.)

…in bed.

That’s right guys, according to recent studies you fellas have the upper hand in bed, even when you’re failing at life. Seriously, I just read an article about it and again, I knew it! And again I feel equal parts vindicated and depressed about it.

Check it out I’m not making this stuff up: Sex Is Cheap: Why young men have the upper hand in bed, even when they’re failing in life.

I guess it’s a seller’s market so even the bad property is getting a lot of attention. Boo. Or maybe it’s a buyers market and men are they buyers…but they only want to rent.

Either way, if men are the ones in control when it comes to sexual issues then aren’t they in control when it comes to the creation of relationships? Like people kept implying when I was asking what makes a man want more than sex from a woman “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

And, hey, why bother getting milk from just one cow when you have a dairy at your disposal?

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24 Comments leave one →
  1. Cole permalink
    March 4, 2011 3:28 am

    It is true. We are pretty much awesome. Unfortunately – the study doesn’t show what this does to us socially throughout our lives. ” you are dominant in one physical aspect – women know this – good luck making you slight advantage into a socially relevant one.

    cheers.

    • March 4, 2011 8:24 am

      When you say “what this does to us socially” who are you referring to with the pronoun us? Just men? Or all of us, men and women? Also, the fact that you mention this makes me wonder what you think it does to us (whomever us is) socially. I’d love it if you would expound on that. Also, I’d love you to be more specific about what physical aspect you (women–I assume) are dominant in. I really felt this article was suggesting that women are still rather powerless when it comes to sex and relationships because it is a buyers market and men are the buyers — and they don’t want to buy, they just want to rent.

    • March 6, 2011 9:06 am

      I think this is just a continuum of the battle of the sexes. Which is making me perspire and needing a cigarette….

  2. March 4, 2011 9:25 am

    I don’t know if I agree with this article. I think that in my relationship I control what goes on in the bedroom. A girl has a lot more power than she thinks. I set out to be the type of woman who makes her own choices and decisions in all aspects of my life, when me and my man started dating he had another woman, I told him just friends unless you dump her…he wasn’t dumping her fast enough so I made a move anyways and guess what, he dumped her the next day and asked me to be his valentine…poor timing for her, great timing for me.
    I also must say that I do believe men have the power they do(or think they have) in the bedroom because of how society has shaped young men. They are told that college is for getting it in and a man can sleep around and it has been deemed socially acceptable. A woman cant do the same thing because of all of the social norms that are in place. Women are shaped by society to want a family and a house and a future and society tells men, get drunk and get laid, worry about the rest later.

    • March 4, 2011 10:05 am

      What do you think, fellas? Is Michelle right about what society is telling you? I’m not a guy, so I’m not sure what messages you’re getting. And I’m certainly not sure which ones are sticking.

  3. Nathan permalink
    March 4, 2011 10:58 am

    True love is not power, but unselfishness and serving. I don’t understand why people are so hung up with who does or doesn’t have the power in a relationship. The relationship that I am in (married) is not about using sex as power, but as working together, serving each other, and enjoying mutual benefits. It is amazing!

    • March 4, 2011 11:00 am

      Maybe it’s not people who are hung up with it…maybe it’s just the sociologists.

      • Nathan permalink
        March 4, 2011 11:10 am

        Sociologists are people. :)

        • March 4, 2011 11:22 am

          If you say so…just kidding. I just meant not all people, but rather the small portion of the population who are sociologists.

    • March 6, 2011 9:01 am

      Nathan…I’m leaving my husband for you!!

  4. Nathan permalink
    March 4, 2011 11:37 am

    ha ha, ok, gotcha. However, it seems to dominate the last 10-12 postings on your blog so you seem fairly interested. Are you a sociologist or a person? :)

    • March 4, 2011 11:54 am

      Well I’m not technically a sociologist. I’m curious. And I’m a writer. As one essayist wrote “Others form man; I only report him…” and I guess I am interested in how much power I do or don’t have when it comes to getting what I want in a relationship. Ultimately I want a pure partnership — but if that’s not available to me because of the society I live in I want to know that, and I’m powerless to get it. I dunno, I haven’t really been thinking of this in terms of power over other people but rather personal power. My perspective on the last 10-12 posts is that they are about relationships not power.

  5. Jeremy Geerdes permalink
    March 4, 2011 12:18 pm

    I’ve read a number of articles about the sad state of relationships today, but I don’t think any of them have really hit the root cause just yet. This article laments that women are compelled to sleep with scumbags and slimeballs because the population is not gender-balanced. Another I read recently mentioned that women were actually more likely to engage in “casual” sex than men, attributing it to (among other things) contemporary feminism’s assertions that women should think and operate like men. But the truth is that, while such things do contribute, the primary cause is really much more fundamental and profound.

    Our culture has reinforced since they were young girls the natural tendency of women to believe that their value lies in their appearance and sexual prowess. And women have bought into it.

    So they settle for losers and scumbags because, even though they may have significant academic and professional credentials, they don’t think they’re worthy of better. They engage in casual sex, etc., because appearance and sexual prowess must be validated by other people.

    And the sad thing is that, the whole time they’re doing these things, more often than not, they remain unsatisfied.

    Without meaning to be the Bible thumper on the blog, the Bible does speak to this very subject. In Genesis 3:16, because of her role in the fall of mankind, God told Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” This can be applied in a number of ways, but I really think that two huge implications of this statement are that (1) women crave love and relationships, and (2) women have a real need for affirmation and validation from other people. In both cases, they are particularly interested in receiving these things from members of the opposite sex. In other words, women find their value based upon how other people, particularly men, relate to them, and since people, especially men, have a tendency to judge based on exterior factors (e.g., appearance and sexual prowess) – and yes, that’s Biblical, too – the natural conclusion is that a woman’s value is directly related to her appearance and sex appeal, and nothing more.

    Fortunately, the Bible also has something else to say about this. You see, the true definition of value is actually found in the most that someone else is willing to sacrifice to obtain something. For example, if someone says that a painting is worth $1 million, it doesn’t matter if I think it’s worth only $1. The painting is worth $1 million. In the case of women (and, for that matter, men, too), the value of one person in the Bible is infinitely more than that. Romans 5:8 says, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” That means that, while we were still God’s enemies, God nevertheless valued us – women and men – each as worth exactly one only Son of God.

    So, ladies, you are worth the very Son of God. And what’s really cool is that this value doesn’t depend in any way on what man is willing to sleep with you. It doesn’t matter on the number of heads that you turn. In fact, it doesn’t even matter if you’re a good person or not. That is your value.

    So, what is the solution to the problem explored in this and so many other articles? Well, it’s really very simple. Men, realize how much women are really worth and treat them that way. Stop using them as though they’re no better than a pound of hamburger or a disposable plate (which, by the way, we could probably argue you value more than women because you’re willing to pay for them). And ladies, know that your worth depends in no way on how you look or who you sleep with. It depends on the fact that God says you are of infinite value. And He proved it by sending His Son to the cross for you. Don’t let anyone be willing to give anything less for you.

    • March 10, 2011 12:17 pm

      Ruth Chapter 3 in the Old Testament is a prime example of strong women during that time. God does not create miracles from just people in the church. It is often in the most pagan driven lives and out of the most uncommon places. That is why he is God.

      • March 10, 2011 2:02 pm

        Uh…okay. I don’t see the connection, but thank you — as always — for sharing.

  6. March 4, 2011 1:33 pm

    I think a lot of women aren’t comfortable telling a man what she wants in bed. I’m one of those. I often use subtle cues, but a lot of men aren’t attuned to “subtle.” I do think women have the responsibility to create whatever works for them sexually.

  7. March 5, 2011 1:06 am

    Perhaps I am an idealist not living in the real world, but I prefer to disagree with the article. If the statistics are correct, I interpret that to mean that women are *choosing* to give up their power. I was the oldest virgin in my group of friends (21), and almost every single one of them advised me against losing it. I ignored them and paid attention wo what my situation was. I was in a relationship with a boy/man who loved me as deeply as I love him. He had not put any pressure on me about when *it* might happen. I got on the pill, I purchased lingerie, and I chose the timing. I have zero regrets and while it was not the best sex I have ever had, it was a beautiful experience. For this reason, my *advice* to young women who are still virgins is this. I have had conversations with many, many women over the years. I have heard many stories about women who wished that they had waited longer before they had sex. I never have talked to any woman who wished she had had sex earlier. I think this can apply to the virginity itself and individual relationships.

    I think we as women have as much power over our sexuality as we choose to exert. I can keep my pants on for as many days, weeks, months into dating as is comfortable for me. Might I lose the company of some men for making this choice? Sure. n However, any man who would ditch me because my sexual schedule was different than his is a man I can do without. I do not mean to say that this is an easy thing to do. It can be tough. However, I owe it to myself to have only sexual expereinces I truly want and expectr to find satisfying. If a man doesn’t get the concept, I don’t need to give him anything else.

  8. dave c permalink
    March 5, 2011 8:44 am

    I’ll add-in my lament: The person that least wants to play a game, usually gets to pick the game.

    In every group situation, especially with other couples, there’s always, always, always one person at the table, and it’s usually just one person, that says, “I don’t want to play games…” or, “I don’t know if I want to play games, but I could play…”

    …and they ALWAYS win.

    Same deal with eating food. There’s not a lot of foods I won’t eat. Jill, however, is picky. No Indian food. Not a real big fan of Japanese unless it’s sushi, and she’s very picky about her Chinese. I, however, will eat almost anything that’s not moving.

    How often do I pick the restaurants? I would be more resentful of Jill, but I face this situation with almost everyone I eat with. ;)

    So with your blog post… I think the deep question here, and it’s a real deep question -> why are men the picky ones at the relationship table?

    Are the men more content to watch football and play xbox about to leave the gene-pool?

    Is polygamy the answer?

    One of the things that I heard that I think is true is, “Women worry, until they get married. Men don’t worry, until they get married.”

    How much are the ‘needs’ of modern society affecting men vs. women?

  9. dave c permalink
    March 5, 2011 9:06 am

    Ok, a deeper thing here… and this is true for at least me.

    Using my analogy of never wanting to play a game, and therefore the pickiest one gets to pick the game… I grew up with a very different view of how women wanted to be treated than the “they enjoy sex too” of the late 90s early aughties.

    This view is, “don’t touch them for any reason, unless they ask.”

    NOW, I can think of at least 1-2 occasions where that rule saved me sooooooooo much trouble—but the trouble it saved me was a continuing relationship with a (dangerous, in the end) girl that wasn’t sure I cared for them.

    If, God forbid, I ever go back to dating, this is going to be my undoing unless I get a Michelle up there.

  10. March 6, 2011 8:53 am

    They only have the upper hand in bed when they are alone……

  11. March 10, 2011 12:05 pm

    Whether any of you want to admit it or not, that is ok; however, I would say most men and women who use each other just for sex, usually end up as empty before turning on the “animal upper hand ” as they felt before finding that big passionate rush of temporary satisfaction. Basic human behavior like this will just send you back looking for more…. trouble. Truth is, men and women have the upper hand with one another when they choose intimacy first. Lots of it.
    Sorry Crystal but multiple cows at our disposal is a dis-tasteful analogy.

    • March 10, 2011 12:12 pm

      No need for a sorry. I didn’t write it. But it does feel true. Thanks for reading, Andy.

  12. February 11, 2012 3:55 pm

    Andy, is bang on.

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