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Unexpected Tears…and Pot Roast

April 20, 2011

“You are allowed to say no.”

“I know that.”

“Crystal, look at me. You are allowed to say no. You’re an adult…”

“But what about the other person?”

“You take care of you. It doesn’t make you the bad guy and it doesn’t make you a tease to say no. Why do you think you deserve to say no?”

“I don’t know.”

But I did say no. And he kissed me anyway. It was nice for a moment. Well it felt nice — my lips felt nice. But I panicked and I almost froze. But I stayed there. I kept thinking. Kept moving. I tried to stop him. I tried to be gracious — to twist myself out of the kiss kindly, but forcefully — but grabbed my face with his hand and pulled my mouth to his again. And again. I asked him to leave. He was mad at me. He stormed away.

I cried and cried. It was difficult to drive myself the four blocks home.

I cried and cried. For almost an hour.

I’m glad Dee was on the porch when I got home because I didn’t want to be alone in my apartment with my tears. My sobbing. The retching…

Dee was proud of me for saying no.

I went inside. Crawled into bed and cried until I could release enough of whatever it was to allow myself to sleep.

“Why did that hurt so much?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“If I have to do downward-facing dog one more time I might puke.”

“Okay, now let’s sit.”

“Thank you,  God…”

“Now reach your right hand back and twist your torso…”

“Oh no…I might puke anyway…”

I broke pose.

“I’m definitely bringing water and a towel next time.”

I crossed my legs Indian-style and just sat there trying not to wretch during the next two poses. I recovered. No throwing up.

“Not too bad for a fat girl.” I thought as I worked myself  back in for the final poses. Then we were done posing. I sat for our meditation.

I sat felt the air moving around my sweaty body. It was getting cooler. Maybe it just felt cooler because the room was dark. I felt very grateful, and I cried. But not because of the gratitude.

“Why am I so sad?”

I didn’t move, but I felt like I was vibrating. I didn’t make any noise but something inside me felt like a bell ringing. A big church bell reverberating everything around it. The tears were streaming down my cheeks. Gushing down my neck and into my shirt. Most of them coming to rest alone with the sweat in the hollow between my breasts inside my sports bra.

“Why am I crying?”

I pulled myself together in the dark and wiped the obvious tears from my face. Rolled up my mat, put my shoes and jacket on, thanked the instructor and then went to my car.

As I turned the key in the ignition my eyes started over-flowing again. I cried for at least an hour. Sobbed. Retching tears.

“Why does this hurt so much? What is wounded?”

I called my sister. Just to tell her what was going on. I needed a witness. She assured me that I wasn’t crazy. She listened to my theories on why I was so upset. I still don’t understand it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We have left over pot roast.”

“Is it okay if I come over and have some.”

“Of course, that’s why I mentioned it.”

“See you in a little bit.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too. See you soon.”

I ate too much dinner tonight. I was really hungry by the time I got off work. It was a late night. The food tasted really good.

I fought back tears even after the first bites. I wasn’t even full yet.

“Don’t cry. Not in front of mom and dad.”

I cleaned my plate. Put it in the sink. Sat with them for a while and drove home.  As I turned the key in the ignition I felt the tears again.

“Why does every food choice and almost every meal reduce me to tears?!”

I tried to remember everything I had eaten today. I don’t remember. But something makes me think it was far too much.

“Why did that hurt so much? It was just a little too much pot roast.”

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. dave c permalink
    April 20, 2011 9:18 am

    (invisible hug)

    • April 20, 2011 9:59 am

      Why, thank you my darling. I promise I’m not having an emotional break down. But I haven’t quite figured out what this is yet. I have some ideas, about love and sex and abuse and health and food and weight and…phew, I’m exhausted just writing that much. I’ll let you know if I get it to the point that it makes enough sense to put into words. I’ll probably write a blog about it even.

  2. Moniba permalink
    April 20, 2011 10:11 am

    =( i hope you feel better soon…

    • April 20, 2011 11:13 am

      Oh, I’m actually feeling very well. I’m as happy and focused as I’ve ever been. I think I just have some stuff to work out. And I’m trying. And in the meantime I’m crying unexpectedly.

  3. Just Saying permalink
    April 20, 2011 11:23 am

    Not sure how to articulate that you’re not alone in this.
    I KNOW that feeling, but no words to describe it.
    *hugs*

    Don’t fight the cries. Release the toxin.

    Go home to the parents and be sad. There is something special about being able to go home and getting a hug from Mum, a hug only a mum can give that makes life okay once again.

    *hugs*

    • April 21, 2011 2:07 pm

      Thanks for the hugs. If I get time I might sit on mom and dad’s couch for a while and get some comfort food. But really I’m doing very well. Unexpected things are just making me cry.

  4. Roxanne permalink
    April 20, 2011 9:13 pm

    Oh, I know that feeling. It’s not like I want to be fat. It’s not like I want to over eat. I always regret eating past full because it is never comfortable nor comforting. What’s worse is, I know I can lose the weight because I’ve done it before. I was actually slender for most of my sophmore and junior years in college and then the weight just crept back on a little at a time. *HUGS*

  5. April 21, 2011 8:44 pm

    Wow, Crystal…this was very emotional for me to read. So much of me really gets this. But I can’t really say why. It just resonates deep within me. I am so sad sometimes, for so many different reasons, and then I’m somehow sad because I’m sad. I think you and I struggle with many of the same things -we’ve talked about the weight issues, but also with the male/saying no issues, which we haven’t talked about. I have a hard time saying no too. Part if it ties directly to my weight issues. At my heaviest, I always felt lucky, fortunate that a guy would hit on me. Even if I didn’t want him, he made me feel pretty, so I never said no. Part of me still thrives on that attention. I lead guys on that I have no interest in, and then later feel like a total piece of shit for doing so. I pretend that guys are “just friends” and keep them around because I know they are interested in me and they make me feel good about myself. I’m not saying you do this – I’m just saying that a lot of what you said here, speaks to how I feel many times. You are a powerful writer, you know that? Anyway… take care of yourself. You are beautiful and wonderful. Even when you are crying over pot roast :)

    • April 22, 2011 8:44 am

      Thanks for the empathy and for getting it on some level. I really feel like you do understand. I tried to explain the yoga incident to my best friend and she started telling me ways that she thought would help me lose weight. (Yeah, she didn’t understand.)

      I can totally relate to what you said about male attention. I have to be very careful about my motivations and methods for getting male attention. I have a great guy friend who is totally not interested in me romantically or sexually and he has stepped up when I have told him I need some positive male attention. He’s a sweetheart. And it really helps. It has also helped me decipher my sexual and emotional desires. Like my brain thinks, “I want a man, (or sex or romance or whatever)” and I have to think wait, what do I really want here.

      Sometimes I just need that male energy. Sometimes I really want my daddy. Sometimes I want someone to see and adore what I’m doing and love me a little bit. And sometimes I just want sex. Three of those four things are things I can get pretty easily. The fourth (well actually the third in the list) has been elusive of late.

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