My (Un)Adventurous Life
It’s true. There’s evidence to the fact in almost every action movie ever made. Now, I’ve learned a lot from the movies over the past three decades, but I have to say, this simple truth may be the most important bit of info I have gleaned from the big, silver screen or the mighty, boob tube.
One pull-up can save your life.
Okay, I didn’t figure it out myself. My dad pointed it out to me, but I learned it all the same: one pull-up. Can you do one pull up?
At least, I assume I can’t. I haven’t tried in a LONG time. But lifting 185 pounds all at once strikes me as a feat beyond my personal athletic threshold at this point. I can do a handstand. But that’s not the same thing as pulling your body up over the edge of a cliff, or a moving train, or the precipice of the tallest building in Beijing.
So, if I were in an adventure movie, I guess I would die…eventually.
I’m pretty sure I would survive a firefight. My dad taught me how to shoot and I’ve played enough video games to know to get down and find cover — and always pick up any extra ammo and weapons. Also, take the weapons away from the downed bad guys — and if you want them dead, maybe shoot them one more time in the head for good measure. If you have time of course — the truth is you might have to just run away. And if you can, you probably should.
Not that I can run very fast. So if it comes down to a foot race, I would probably die then too…eventually.
I mean, if we are running away from zombies and I’m not surrounded I’ll probably be fine. I can outrun a dead person — easy. And hey, if I have a slashing weapon of some sort I think I would be fine to easily decapitate a few of those bad boys. Although, my sword-fighting skills are a little rusty. And my personal experience with swordplay is heavy on the stabbing weapon side rather than the slashing weapon side, but still …
Of course running around with a slashing weapon isn’t really a great idea for me. I fall down for no reason sometimes. And if I had a sword, well it’s possible that I could fall on it. Okay, it’s probable. But I guess that’s what scabbards are for, right? So I would need a slashing weapon and a scabbard in the case of a zombie apocalypse.
Of course if we are talking a foot chase with a normal person I might be done for – unless I can beat up the person who is eventually going to catch me. And as long as the other person doesn’t know kung fu or a super awesome martial art of some kind and we are evenly matched size-wise I think I can kick some tail in the hand-to hand combat realm. I mean I learned self-defense in girls’ gym class with all the other seventh-grade girls. And I remember almost all of it.
So yeah, I would probably live through half of the movie as long as the inciting incident to the adventure wasn’t me falling over the edge of something or required me to out run a bomb.
Okay, maybe I would live through a third of the movie.
Can you tell that I need some adventure? I want to climb a rock face, a tree, a beautiful man – I want to jump into a pool of clear blue water from the edge of a cliff. I want to hike through the jungle and find some ruins. I want to ride a bike through European streets all day. I want to go skiing in the Alps (okay I just want to be able to do that, I don’t know if I really want to do it.) I want to go rafting in rapids.
I want to live if a bad guy starts to chase me.
I want to be able to do a pull-up.
I want to LIVE!
(Yet another reason to quit my job – because it requires me to sit on my butt all day.)
What do you think would happen if I go to one of my local gyms and tell them that I need a trainer because I want to be ready for an adventure? No, I don’t have a specific adventure in mind. I mean I know I don’t want to be in an action movie type of adventure. Because then I’d probably be in mortal danger and I don’t like that idea too much. But I do want an adventure (maybe one where I get a rope and a harness if we’re on the edge of a cliff). So, what do you think, if I start preparing for adventure, it will come to me, right?