And the Beat Goes On…
“So, how are you doing?” My co-worker asked this morning.*
“Fine?” I said with a quizzical tone.
“Last week,” she said.
Oh, that’s what she meant. “Oh, yeah. I’m good,” I said.
Okay, I guess a little self-reflection is in order.
How do I feel?
The truth is, I’ve been running so far and so fast over the last few weeks that I haven’t spent much time thinking about it all. I’ve mostly been feeling relieved when I take a moment to think about it. But the truth is today (yesterday really — but today too) I have a lot of different emotions swirling around as I embark on my last week here at the Journal.
I’m anxious, relieved, excited, nervous and…annoyed. Yeah, annoyed. In fact, I might be mostly annoyed.
I’m realizing that I haven’t done much to let go of this place. And I have a few control issues that are popping up again. The sad and simple truth for my poor ego is that the Rapid City Journal will continue to go on without me — and it’s driving me a little batty. Meetings happening without me, other people getting trained to do new things and me being phased out slowly.
It kinda hurts. And it’s definitely annoys me.
I thought I was pretty integral here. Important. Needed. Yeah, the truth is, they are going to be just fine without me.
I’m also a little anxious. Part of that is the fact that I have more work to do than I can accomplish in a regular week. I mean, even though they are going to do fine without me, I don’t want to leave them in the lurch in the short term. I think that’s where most of the anxiety is coming from. (Although I think some if it is because I have had to take Sudafed all week to combat my allergies and that stuff makes me jittery.)
Of course there is also a bit of fear that I won’t be able to make it out there on my own. And I do vacillate between wondering how I will ever make enough money to support myself and thinking that there are so many business out there who can use (and need) my services that there is no way on earth that I will ever be able to get to them all.
Overall, I do think I’ll be fine in that vein. But I am trying not to think about it too much because I know how my brain works and it will try to think of a solution even though there is nothing to do but wait and see.
I’m also sad. I’ve had a few crying fits and they really do surprise me. I mean, I’ve hated so many things about my job for so long that I’m surprised that I’m sad at all. But I will definitely miss the people. So yeah, I’m sad.
And I’m back full-circle again feeling relieved. Every time something annoying happens I’m reminded that after Friday I won’t have to deal with it again. I keep feeling free. I keep thinking things like, “I can go to the gym in the middle of the day and then go back to work all sweaty if I want!”
I can watch TV while I work if I want. I can stop for 20 minutes to do the dishes if I want. I can work at 10 p.m. if I want.
Yeah, I’m excited. And then I’m scared again. And then excited. And then sad. And then excited.
I think this is gonna work out after all.
Here’s hoping my new boss and my new company are even better than this one. (Okay, maybe the boss won’t be — especially at first — but the company certainly has promise.)
* I started writing this yesterday Monday, but wasn’t able to finish until today.