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No Inner Monologue: The Magic That Is Me, Part 1

August 15, 2006

Have you ever met a guy or gal who doesn’t know when to shut up? You know the kind — someone who has to tell you everything he thinks about every little thing he thinks at the very instant that he thinks about it.

Don’t you hate people like that?

Me too, especially when I’m the one doing it.

“Don’t mind Crystal,” my friend Tanya said, “she has no inner monologue.” That’s when I realized that the person I was talking to was looking at me with a stunned expression and her mouth hanging slightly open.

Honestly, Tanya, bless her heart, says that about me a lot. For the most part I don’t mind because there are worse things that could be said about a person.

For those who don’t know what an inner monologue is, I’ll clue you in. An inner monologue consists of the things a person thinks but refrains from saying aloud.

Oftentimes actors, use the term to refer to their body language, motivation or attitude on stage.
Maybe that’s why I never made it as an actress, I just can’t keep it all inside.

However, although most people think that I say anything that’s on my mind, it just isn’t true. I don’t blame folks for thinking that though. I say a lot of things that the average person wouldn’t say out loud.

But I do have an inner monologue. I think about way more things than I say out loud.
Maybe I just have so much going on in my brain that inevitably stuff that shouldn’t be said comes out. Maybe it’s just a manifestation of my ADHD.

The truth is, while I do have an inner monologue, I have little to no restraint, very little tact and even less social finesse.

Kind of like a five-year old.

In fact, in a lot of ways, I’m a five-year old trapped in the body of a 24-year old
For example, I love swings and I love to climb trees! I also think my life would be better if I could be barefoot all the time!

And I tell people how it is … whether they like it or not. I don’t pull any punches. Not to the point that I am constantly hurting people’s feelings or anything, but I’m a passionate person and I’ll get riled up and without a doubt I will say something that will get me in trouble.

At the very least my words often shock someone.

Mostly I just irritate folks.

“Why did you say that, Crystal?” my wonderful, tactful and social-finesse-filled friend Tanya will ask.

“Why? Should I not have said that?” is my usual response.

It seems like I never know.

The older I get the more I try to exhibit some tact, but most of the time it just feels dishonest to do so.

See, it seems to me that you don’t do people any favors by not telling them how it is.

Of course, we all know that when telling people hard truths it is important to be kind, and one should always attempt to phrase statements nicely.

But, sometimes there is no nice way to say it. For example, right now I’m kind of fat. See, I’ve got some food allergies that make eating normally very difficult, plus I sit behind a computer for most of the day. Excuses excuses…blah, blah, blah. (Note: since writing this article I have lost over 30 pounds, yay Crystal!)

Anyway, my point is, it makes people uncomfortable to be honest about it, but I’m about 50 pounds overweight. Now I’m not happy about being overweight. I’m on a diet and I’m working out, plus I’m currently losing weight, but 50 pounds overweight is fat.

And people think they are being nice to me by telling me I’m not overweight. But being nice isn’t going to make my size 4 jeans fit again.

All of the great folks who are near and dear to me are frequently trying to sugarcoat the fact that I’m tubby, but at this point the last thing I need is sugar.

Inevitably, I’ve learned not to say everything I think, even if it is true and pertinent. My friends and family are learning too, and they even accept my big mouth as beautiful part of the magic that is me.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Tanya permalink
    October 14, 2010 10:02 pm

    I love how this post paints me as full of social finesse. That’s an image I should cultivate for sure. 🙂


  2. anonymous permalink
    February 5, 2015 8:23 pm

    Strange, I’m pretty sure my ADD is the reason why my internal monologue never quits. It’s pretty infuriating.


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