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Lovies, sexys and the Messiah

December 17, 2006

When you say I love you, what do you mean?

At this moment you’re thinking, “duh, it means I love you.” — Right?

Now it’s time for Crystal to explain herself. Ready for a bumpy trip into my psyche? All aboard:

After my last foray into a love-life I became rather disillusioned with the phrase. As a result I haven’t said it to anyone but family and close friends in a long time.

I remember wanting to say, “I love you,” to a certain fella for a long time (like years) and refraining because I was afraid it would scare him off.

As it turns out, he’s gone now anyway, and of course, I now wonder if telling him I loved him would have made him want to stay.

Every time I would have the impulse to tell him that I loved him (and then stopped myself), I found my mind wandering into some strange places. I wondered what I would have meant by the words I love you if I would have said them to him.

It would have meant more than just how you feel when you feel in love. Because, well honestly, things with this fella weren’t really feeling all smooshy and lovey.

If anything they were sexy and tragic.

But seriously, when you say I love you, what do you mean. Is it just, “I feel lovely toward you,”?

Truthfully, the more I thought about why I wanted to tell this guy I loved him the more confused I got. If I had said I love you I think it would have meant, “I want you to stay” or, “I want you to want me” or, “why don’t you love me?” or, “what can I do to make you see the amazing parts of me?”

And, of course, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him or ask him those things either.

He had said he loved me before, but he didn’t say it anymore. And of course I wondered why. I think I asked him at some point if he loved me and he said, “I did.”

And that confuses me beyond belief, because love just seems like it should be a permanent thing. Not something sensory that comes and goes like an appetite. “Humm, well I felt like having some Crystal yesterday but I’m just not in the mood for any Crystal today.Had too much of that lately.”

So how could he have (past-tense) loved me?

Basically, as a result of this and many other relationship fiascos, when someone says, “I love you,” to me I don’t know what to make of it anymore — and, as my truest love Shakespeare would say, therein lies the rub.

Don’t you feel bad for the next guy who says, “I love you,” to me? I do — for a lot of reasons.

When I think back on the fellas that have told me thy loved me my brain can only reason that it is impossible for them to have really loved me or really meant “I love you,” when they said it to me. As a result, I find myself wondering what they really meant.

When Zac said ‘I love you,’ he meant, “I want you to have my children.” And he wants to be a dad way more than he ever wanted to be with me. So that’s not much of a compliment, is it? — I’d like a uterus to incubate my children in and you seem willing. — Flattering.

When Doug said, ‘I love you,’ I’m pretty sure he meant, “I want to have sex with you.” Again, that really had nothing to do with me or who I am. He was a 19-year-old boy. Of course he wanted to have sex I was just the nearest thing with boobs.

When WO said, ‘I love you,’ he meant, “If I can’t have Amber I want you.” Turns out he could have Amber and he does. This one might have hurt the worst since it was pretty personal. Plus, I never confused WO with anything sexy so when he rejected me he knew who I was and really said, “No, no more Crystal for me. I’m full.”

When Jeremy said, ‘I love you,’ it meant, “I’ve never met a girl like you before.” And all I can reason is that he’s met more ladies like me (Marlee maybe?).

And when Chris said, ‘I love you,’ it meant…I guess I dunno what it meant. “I love that you like me even though you don’t care about football.” Or maybe he meant, “It makes sense that we would be together so I should love you.” Too sensible and yet irrational for his own good.

These are all guesses of course, and as it turns out none of them really meant what I want “I love you” to mean when it comes from the mouth of a man.

None of them really meant anything permanent (and therefore it wasn’t really true — right?). A statement that is later negated is a lie, right?

Whatever the case they all changed their minds about ‘loving’ me eventually.

(Sidenote: I have an amazing knack for this, getting people to change their minds about me. Unfortunately it is usually from favorable to unfavorable. I’m working on this one.)

But really, when someone says, “I love you,” shouldn’t it be more of a vow than a statement of desire?

Shouldn’t I love you mean:
I’ll protect you
I’ll take care of you
I’ll do whatever it takes to stay with you
I’ll become a better person to be with you
I pick you over everyone else
I promise I’ll stay with you
And stuff like that?

So it might be something you shouldn’t say until you have a diamond in your pocket (and I don’t mean that metaphorically at all).

Or, maybe it should just come with a lot of disclaimers.

Like, “I love you like the way I love Grey’s Anatomy. I’m very devoted to it, and I’ll eventually have another favorite television show, but right now you are my favorite and I wouldn’t miss you when you come on.”

Or “I love you the way I love Spaghetti. I just get to jonesin’ for it from time to time.”

Or one could even go as far as “I love you the way I love Handel’s Messiah, it’s so beautiful and transcendent and it makes me want to talk directly to God.”

Those are mostly good I love you’s — Right? But, maybe the, “I love you,” part should just be left off and the specific compliments should be what we all say instead of “I love you.”

Or maybe I’m just broken and I need to heal a bit before I understand what I love you really means. I really do feel like everyone else gets this one and I don’t.

I say, “I love you,” to family and close friends after all. And, honestly, I couldn’t tell you exactly what I mean every time I say it. It usually means things like, “I don’t want to go home, but I must” or, “I think you’re incredible” or, “you are so special to me that I can’t really explain it.”

I usually say things like, “Lovies.” (Many of you may recall right now that I have signed off many an e-mail with this word.) Or I’ll say the actual phrase, “I love you,” in a silly voice. Kind of taking the serious, or dire, edge off the phrase.

Last night Alexa disagreed with me about all this and she didn’t get a chance to explain her point of view to me, so I’d like to invite her to do so now. And, heck, if any of the rest of you can explain it I could use some enlightenment right now.

And, perhaps most importantly, I owe someone an apology along these lines. You know who you are and I’m sorry I might be broken about this.

I’m also sorry this Blog was so long. But I really think this one was worth it. I love that some of you care about my opinion enough to read and respond to my Blogs.

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