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Feminine Humanity: Girls Fart

April 22, 2007

Mischevious Woman

Girls fart.

Seriously, it’s a fact. Ask any girl and she’ll tell you it’s true.

And yet, men don’t seem to realize this about women. In fact, the last time I accidentally farted in front of a man, I saw the romantic interest he had for me drain out of him like blood drains out of a person who has sliced open a major artery.

He changed – almost instantly – from a vibrant, colorful man who could fall in love with me into a grey, listless, disinterested version of his former self. He became the corpse of our possible relationship.

All because I’m human and I had gas. (It was his fault really. He fed me Mexican food and then made me laugh so hard that I farted. And he’s never called me back.)

You know what else? Girls, like men, are mammals.

That means we have hair on their bodies – all over our bodies.

And not just on our legs or under our arms. The majority of women actually have hair on their faces too. Let me just repeat and rephrase that one for emphasis. It isn’t just some of us women who have hair on our faces, it’s MOST of us.

My last boyfriend sure couldn’t accept that fact. And he really didn’t appreciate the lengths I went to to try to uphold his hairless version of womanhood. I regularly ripped hair out of my body to be what he considered feminine.

But he didn’t care about my pain. He just cared about my stubble.

Even after assisting me to rip the hair out of all of the follicles on my legs, he didn’t empathize with my plight. He just wanted me smooth and hairless from the eyebrows down.

Furthermore – again just like you men – we aren’t all supermodels and movie-stars.

I keep running into fellas who have insane standards of beauty and therefore miss the lovely ladies surrounding them. Big boobs, little waists, legs that stretch on for an eternity, arms like noodles – and to top it off, many guys expect their ladies to stay that way forever.

(Side note of sarcasm: I especially love when men want women to be baby factories and then get frustrated with how their women’s body changes after the fact. I am reminded of the words from Look Who’s Talking, “You try pushing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon and see how hot you look.”)

This ridiculous standard of feminine beauty is even more interesting considering the fact that I haven’t met many men who look like Brad Pitt lately. Yet, I have to be as devastatingly beautiful as Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie for a fella to be interested.

Well, that seems completely fair – please note the incredibly sarcastic tone.

Ivm chubby, but beautiful. Yet, I rarely get a second look.

I imagine all the guys reading this are completely disgusted right now. I’m also pretty sure that any of you fellas who had romantic notions about me have lost them somewhere in the preceding words.

But it has to be said. So I’m going to say it. Girls aren’t some plastic, less than human (or more than human), nice to look at, unintelligent and unopinionated, versions of men. We are people too, dang it! We aren’t art and we aren’t playthings.

This seems like a harsh lesson, eh?

Here’s the thing, while men don’t want to consider women to be human in these ways (and more that I haven’t been able to address) that is exactly what we are: human. Farts and all.

This is a great and universal truth. And I believe that once a person embraces truth he or she is rewarded for it.

Once your allusions and delusions about women slip away, maybe you will be able to really appreciate the fact that what makes us male and female isn’t just physical. You’ll be able to see past the false ideas of womanhood and really experience true beauty of femininity. (That goes for you too, ladies.)

I’m also selfishly hoping that instead of crying like babies when you realize that we fart (have hair on our bodies and cellulite on our thighs), that you will appreciate the fact that many of us restrain our bodily functions for the most part. Many of us also spend a lot of time, money and energy trying to be the hairless goddesses you want us to be. Furthermore, we’re all getting fatter and uglier every day. It’s called aging.

Deal with it, embrace the truth and get to the good stuff.

I promise you, there is good stuff.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. A Word From Mars permalink
    August 18, 2010 5:03 pm

    Loved this post. I don’t know you but just your words make you absolutely beautiful to me, for what’s it worth!

    Like

  2. August 19, 2010 5:34 pm

    Ha, this really made me laugh. Thank you 🙂

    I’ve just spent a week away with sexy new boyfriend. By day 3 I had such a bad stomach ache from not farting on front of or anywhere near him and therefore ruining the magic.

    On the final night, in a drunken reveal all, he told me I fart in my sleep!

    He had pounced on me every morning.

    Maybe they’re not all quite as shallow and judgemental as it seems.

    I hope a genuine, understanding, appreciative man turns up in your life soon; he’ll be lucky to have you.

    Like

  3. A Word From Mars permalink
    August 23, 2010 3:06 pm

    I put a link to this post in a post I just did:
    http://awordfrommars.wordpress.com/2010/08/23/bathroom-humor/
    hope you don’t mind, I think you post is a riot!

    Like

  4. August 15, 2011 6:13 pm

    Hi Crystal,

    This is an absolute truth and funny too in a way… Glad I haven’t been to any kind of man you described here.. 😉
    I am currently single though, and I am sure there is still a lot of wonderful men out there who can see the beauty from within…

    Like

  5. August 18, 2011 9:09 pm

    Girls burp and poop too. Just saying. Chef apparently has a problem with burping (just found this out recently when I accidentally burped in front of him). Hopefully I see him again. Ha!

    And totally agree on the hair. It’s like a full time job keeping up with the hair on my body – ripping most of it out, and then having to grow the hair on my head long and flowing. Why do we, as we women, have so much damn maintenance work??

    Like

  6. August 13, 2013 6:00 am

    You kidding me, right? i literally lived with my girlfriend but i never onced heard or smell her flatulence..idk but this post are giving me a heart attack. i gasp when i reading it..hopefully its not a fact or i will break up with my gf. Like, immediately. Ohh maybe we should go out eating taco bell tonight see if what youre saying is true. If she FARTS, I will break up with her then im going to kill myself~just bec i cant lived with a female who have gas..ewwh this is unacceptable!!

    Like

    • August 13, 2013 9:09 am

      You’re teasing me, but there are a lot of men who don’t seem to think about women in human terms. Thanks for the satire!.

      Like

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  1. Bathroom humor « A Word From Mars

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