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Needy Girl

October 23, 2007
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This Blog is sort of like “Why Doesn’t Crystal Have a Boyfriend? Part 2”

I asked you folks for responses to the question, “Why doesn’t Crystal have a boyfriend?” but I didn’t get too many. I did, however get a very long, in-depth and thoughtful response to the question from a friend of mine. Okay, he’s the fiancé of a friend of mine. But eventually I hope he and I will become friends too.

I have made a few omitions and alterations to protect his anonymity, but for the most pat this is what he said. Here is his thoughtful, honest — and in parts very funny — response:

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“Why Don’t You Have a Boyfriend?”

Society seems quick to judge a young woman that is single as though there must be something wrong with her; some physical abnormality, moodiness — maybe she’s shy or possibly gay.

Others think there must be something wrong with the men of the region because they don’t flock to the young single girl. Are they guys blind — or shallow — or possibly gay?

The first time I met you, I asked [my fiancé] why you didn’t have a boyfriend. She reacted as though that was not only a frequent question but something she wondered as well. So she started probing me about how guys think and why I found her attractive. See, for the longest time she wondered why she didn’t have a boyfriend.

I didn’t really have a clear answer at first, but after much deliberation I came up with a possibility that I shared with her, and after reading your blog, “Why Don’t You Have a Boyfriend?” I thought it might be good for you to hear too.

The reason you lack a boy has nothing to do with looks because you are adorable. It has nothing to do with intelligence since you can hold your own. And it isn’t really about personality because you are approachable and easy to talk to.

I feel the reason you don’t get asked out is because you have no apparent voids to fill — meaning you don’t seem to need anyone. Men “need” to feel needed even thought most guys wouldn’t admit it.

Getting the bowl down from that top shelf that a girl can’t reach; bringing a sick lady soup; fixing things around the house; working on the car, etc. Doing things for you that you can’t do yourself is what makes us swell out our chests and act manly. Feeling absolutely needed puts a swagger in our walk and a cocky smirk on our faces more than any sexy lingerie or words of affirmation ever could.

That s why a “clean cut” guy will end up with a total “basket-case” — she has obvious inherent needs and his fragile ego needs validation.

As a prospective boyfriend, we men take an inventory of what we have to offer and compare it to the assumptions we make about what you need to see if we can fill a void in you and be needed.

In your case, I hear the way you talk about your career and assume you don’t need financial support. I see the very sharp way you dress and assume you don’t need makeover tips. The way you present yourself in conversation makes me assume you don’t need any affirmation and are confident in yourself.

In short, after a brief evaluation, I don’t see where I, as a man, would fit into (be needed in) your life. If you had a 2 year old child, went out in public tattered or worn, or constantly had to borrow money for lunch, you would probably have a much more active dating schedule.

However, as it is, you project an image that is very complete and “has it together” and end up being seen as inviting only to those who aren’t interested in anything long term.

Please don’t think I am saying there is something wrong with you. You are a strong extroverted woman which is a very attractive thing. Unfortunately, most men in this world are too insecure to appreciate that and must first get tired of playing hero to the train-wrecks they meet before they can be comfortable being with a woman who needs no fixing.

Hope this man’s insight helps,
(Crystal’s Anonymous Male Friend)

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So what does everyone think of this response?

I’ll post how I replied to my Anonymous Male Friend tomorrow.

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