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I’m a Confidant Woman — and a Big Faker

October 24, 2007
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Please be sure to read Needy Girl before you read this blog because it is a response to the e-mail posted in Needy Girl.)

I have added a few afterthoughts to this response. But for the most part this is what I told my Anonymous Male Friend when he suggested that men aren’t attracted to me because I am not apparently needy.

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I am intensely grateful for your perspectives on men. It was a bit painful in parts but I appreciate it deeply.

About being needy. I have long thought that being “needy” was something guys didn’t want a girl to be (plus I come from a stoic, “suck it up, you baby,” type of background) so I tend to hide my needs. Plus, when I hear the word needy I think desperate and I don’t want to seem desperate so I try not to seem needy.

About my basic needs and how I am perceived, let me answer some of your comments:

You said, “In your case, I hear the way you talk about your career and assume you don’t need financial support.” I do have a good job — but it doesn’t pay well and I’d love a man to help support me. I always joke with my girlfriends that I need to find a sugar daddy so that I can finally have the time to write a book.

You said, “I see the very sharp way you dress and assume you don’t need makeover tips.” I don’t think I need make-over tips, but by some strange stroke of luck you have only seen me on the days I happen to be wearing high heels.

You also said, “The way you present yourself in conversation makes me assume you don’t need any affirmation and are confident in yourself.” I have my good days and my bad. On my good days I’m pretty confident in the personality and gifts God gave me. On the bad days I’m just faking it. I could use a few words of encouragement from a special someone just like anyone else. I never seem to get them from any of my boyfriends though. So I’ve gotten used to encouraging myself.

As far as doing things around the house goes, I hate taking out the gabage and I have 11-foot ceilings. I need a man (or a six-foot-tall woman) to change my light bulbs when they burn out — I just can’t reach that high, even on a chair. In fact I did call a guy friend over to do it last time. But, if I just suck it up and buy a ladder I don’t really “need” anyone to do it for me.

Plus, my dad is a carpenter. I know how to do a lot of that “around the house” stuff myself. And he made sure I had the tools to do it before I left home.

I guess you could say I do have needs, but really, does anybody “need” a boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean you won’t die without that other person. Food, water, shelter, those sort of things are what you “need” — right?

But maybe I hide the things I “need.”

Ultimately, I don’t want to seem desperate or needy and I truly think a single person is complete. But I do want someone too. Where is the appropriate balance? Should I pretend that I can’t take care of myself so that some man will come do it? Do the needs have to be tangible needs? What about the emotional needs of a woman. Many of those call for some kind of significant other — whether family, friends or a special man.

The other thing is — I kind of want someone that I can take care of. Not just someone who takes care of me.

I’ve actually advised a lot of guys against dating the messed-up “basket-case” girl in an effort to fix her, because if you treat a girl like you’re her father she’ll treat you like you’re her father — she’ll grow up and move away. I’ve seen that happen a lot. But I’ve also dated quite a few guys who seemed to think I’d treat them like I was their mother, and when I didn’t things were basically done between us.

Maybe I’m too stubborn for love. I usually feel patronized when a guy trys to help me with something (depending on what the something is and wether I’ve asked for the help).

I do ask for help once a guy is my boyfriend, but it’s just so vunerable to let someone help you before they’re in a dependable position. And I’m definetly afraid to depend on a guy (even if he is my boyfriend) because they always end up leaving me — then where am I; all alone in my apartment in the middle of the night trying to move furniture he told me he’d help me move surrounded by full bags of garbage because he usually take the trash out — that’s where!

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Alright, so that’s about where the respponse to my Anonymous Male Friend ended. But I have a lot more thoughts and questions about this stuff.

For example, in a Christian relationship a guy is supposed to be the spiritual leader, so doesn’t it go without saying that I need a spiritual leader if I’m gonna date? Shouldn’t that ‘need” be obvious to the Christian bos at least?

Honestly, I became resillient and self-reliant because (based on experience) I learned that it was a bad move to need (or want, or ask for) anything from a guy. And it is definitly a bad move to rely on a man who hasn’t vowed to stick around.

Do I need to be more needy if I’m gonna get a guy? Or will this just attract the wrong type of guy? And how does one be needy and not desperate?

And if I really do need to be more needy in order to attract a guy, how do I go about that? Should I quit taking care of myself? Tell everyone I meet about my student loan and credit card debt?

The whole concept of “need” seems pretty cloudy nowadays. Especially if you’re talking about emotional needs. “I need a man who worships me, communicates well, does his own laundry, —” oh, fill in the blank. Do the people who say this really need theese things? Will they die without them? No. They won’t die if their desires are unfulfilled. It’s just a wish list.

I have a wish list too. But I wouldn’t call the things on the list “needs” by any stretch of the imagination.

I’m so confused by this concept, don’t guys like girls who can take care of themselves?

Isn’t anyone looking for an equal anymore?

I was kind of hoping that if I did get a boyfriend or ever get married that that is what I would get — an equal. I don’t want to be the mom and I don’t want a man who father’s me. I want to be able to help each other. You know, split the load — not have him carry it for me. Heck I don’t even want to have to cook and do the dishes unless I’m a houswife.

Obviously I’m frustrated. Anyone want to ease my frustration with some answers? Please do. Let me know what you think — in detail Jerrod.

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