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’Cause I’m Nasty

November 26, 2007

So I skipped church last weekend. The week before last my church held no services. I think I skipped church the week before that too. Yes, I’ve been delinquent lately. But I did manage to make it to church this week despite a horrible allergy flair-up.

It’s a good thing that I made it to church too. See, while in church I had a bit of an epiphany.

That’s what church is for right? Right — unless through your epiphany you realize you are a jerk. Sadly, that’s what I realized this week in the house of God — I am a jerk.

To be fair, I was sort of sick and very tired. See, I have allergies…and new noisy neighbors. As a result of my tired, allergic (and therefore nasty) state I spent the majority of the service daydreaming about telling off the lady in front of me who had drenched herself in horrible perfume prior to coming to church.

If you’d like to take a trip to nasty fantasyland with me, please read on. The following is the nasty conversation I was imagining during the sermon on Sunday.

Crystal: Hi, How are you doing today?

Stink Woman: Fine, and you?

Crystal: I was just wondering what kind of perfume you were wearing.

Stink Woman: Oh, it’s Stink No. 5, why (I don’t actually know what kind of purfume she was wearing because I didn’t ask her after service, so I’m just guessing about what purfume it actually was.)

Crystal: Well because you stink.

Stink Woman: What!

Crystal: Your perfume, it stinks. It smells like rotting vanilla and burnt sugar. Not only does it smell awful, but I could also smell it from 50 feet away. See that chair there all the way across the room?

Stink Woman: Yeah (a little embarrassed).

Crystal: That’s where I was sitting and I could smell your horrible scent from there. So, not only is it a nauseating scent, but you are wearing far too much of it. Which is further evidence that you have a depleted, damaged or non-existent sense of smell.

Stink Woman: That’s not very nice.

Crystal: I realize that. But in my opinion it’s not very nice of you to bathe in stink before coming out in public.

Stink Woman: I can’t believe you’re saying this.

Crystal: I know, usually we all try to uphold some sort of decorum that avoids offending one another. But I decided that since you offended me with your stench it was fair for me to, in turn, offend you with my honesty. Oh, on that note, your haircut is ugly too. (Crystal laughs quietly, as if she is trying not to.)

Stink Woman: That’s not funny!

Crystal: No, it isn’t. But you know what is funny? The fact that you chose to make yourself smell like this and you reek. It is also funny that you obviously labored quite a bit to get your hair to look like that and it is disgusting. Now that is funny – oh, and a little sad.

That’s the end of my imaginary conversation with the stinky woman in church.

I also felt like punching the obnoxious girl who does bad — and incorrect — sign language during all of the worship songs. But that wasn’t because I was especially testy this week. I pretty much always want to punch her.

If she’s that pathetic and desperate for attention, why doesn’t she just start a blog?

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