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Confessions of a Good Girl 3: She Lied

September 9, 2008

XWhen he got out of the car he gently asked her one last time, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said curtly. In fact, she almost snapped at him. She also lied. She was far from fine, but she couldn’t bring herself to do anything but comfort him. He was just so upset.

With each of his questions during the ride to his home she tried to offer him solace. Her responses weren’t all lies, but none of them were really the truth either.

“Did I ruin everything?” he asked.

“No,” she said with a bit of a laugh to lighten the tone in the car.

“What is going to happen now?”

“It will be fine,” she had said with a grin.

“Is this all broken now? Did I break it?”

“Oh, sweetie,” she said as she shook her head ‘no’ and touched his knee.

If only she’d known the truth and been able to tell him. But he was so upset that she didn’t even let herself think about the possible truths of the situation.

Beyond that, she was realizing that it hadn’t occurred to her that he might be the one hurt in all of this. For him it couldn’t really be anything more than a simple tryst, right? Even though he was a good man he was still a man. Even if he loved her his promises wouldn’t mean as much to him as they meant to her. Besides he hadn’t made her any promises. She had asked him not to.

It was her Pavlovian response to love. All of the others had walked away from her so easily that it seemed absurd for her to be careful with him — even though he had been so gentle with her.

She was confused because he seemed genuinely hurt.

And she didn’t want to hurt him. So, she lied, left and then drove herself home. All the while slowly restraining her emotions the way she was restraining her tears.

As she drove herself home she felt her heart hardening up. All the emotional and spiritual doors she had pried open in recent months were swinging back on her to be locked shut again. The calluses she had worked off were growing back on the raw parts of her soul that she had abused so many times in the past — and again that very morning.

Four days later it all seemed so surreal. Had it been a hallucination…a dream…a mistake?

If only she hadn’t let him in.

If only she hadn’t lied.

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