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Happy Anniversary

June 12, 2009

It just occurred to me that it was a year ago today that Daniel first e-mailed me through MySpace:

“Hi, I think I recognize you from a long time ago.’’

It was innocent enough. I actually overreacted to his original friend request because I didn’t read his e-mail first. Oh the comedy of errors that was the first days of our relationship. Anyway, in light of the anniversary, I went through and read some of the e-mails we sent to each other in those first few weeks.

I was in deep smit – that much is obvious as I read the exchange. Even now – a year later – they seem…powerful.

I read through quite a few of them, stopping before the Fourth of July party when we first kissed. I don’t know if I could have handled reading anything beyond that.

Although, if I remember correctly, we spent more time interacting in person rather than via e-mail after the fourth.

Fireworks, steamy windows, wet pavement and skin on fire. It was like I had never been touched before. His fingers…ignited the air when they touched my skin.

Anyway, back to my point. After reading the e-mails I find myself newly intrigued by this man. I’m also confronted again with the question, why not? Why didn’t this electric exchange continue?

Daniel’s answer was sort of, “Because I said so.” But I wish there was a more logical answer. I mean it’s not like either of us can ever know for a fact that he made the right choice – or the wrong one. I can eternally think he made the wrong choice, and he can eternally think he made the right one and there is no way to prove one of us right.

I am also confronted anew with the fact that this has been the best relationship I’ve had up to this point. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to let it go without knowing for sure that it came to a timely and rightful end. Especially when the beginning was so…powerful.

I really, truly fell in love with this man against my will…I honestly fell. He persisted until I yielded…and I was glad.

Now I have to believe that I will fall again – or it won’t happen. I have to believe a man will chase me – or it won’t happen.

I’m working on it. I don’t believe those things yet. But I do believe that there is a man out there who deserves me. He deserves al of the sweet, amazing, wonderful things I have to offer. All of the things I offered to Daniel that he oddly refused.

I really was a great girlfriend to him, and I will be a great wife to someone eventually. Not perfect, but great.

I wonder if I will remember this anniversary next year. I will certainly remember the Fourth of July – I have had a lot of significant man-moments over the fourth in the past few years. Christopher left, Daniel ascended…I fell.

I will fall again – I must. I need new anniversaries.

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