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Which Way Do I Go?

June 28, 2009

Lately, I feel this pull…it’s this upward thrust inside my chest. Something is grabbing at me and sucking me toward it — upward, somewhere higher. And it makes me cry when I acknowledge it.

What could it be? It feels inevitable. It feels like the future. And it is a bout everything — my family, my career, my love life, my friends. It’s an actual physical response to something. But what?

I get short of breath and full of tears and I want to scream and run.

All I can think is that somehow, I am in the wrong place — emotionally, mentally and maybe even physically. I’m ready to go. I have this feeling that I have got to get out of here — wherever here is — almost constantly nowadays. But I don’t know where this thing is pulling me to. Something more — that much is certain. But what do I need to do to get that something more.

Quit my job?

Move to another city?

Sell everything I own and start over?

Or does this pull require something more subtle — like a paradigm shift?

5 Comments leave one →
  1. jgeerdes permalink
    August 24, 2010 5:03 pm


    You’re clearly looking for something. It’s a natural reaction to that built-in notion that there must be something more than what we currently have. From what I’ve seen on your blog and Facebook, etc., it would seem that you’ve searched for it in new philosophies, new locations, new positions, new relationships, and more. And yet, you still have this nagging, unshakable knowledge that you’re missing something.

    Please understand that I don’t want to sound like the Bible-thumper here. Even so, I am personally constantly drawn back to two things that Jesus said which seem relevant to what you’re experiencing. I know that you say you’ve discounted much of Biblical Christianity and all that, but I find these quotes – in a word – compelling on days when I grapple with the same questions you seem to be facing today.

    “The Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost” (Luke 19:10 NIV).

    “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10 NIV).

    By the way, I can’t help but think about you and that clamshell iBook you had back at OkWU whenever I sit down at my MacBook to work.


    • August 24, 2010 5:07 pm

      Well, I wrote this one over a year ago. I’m feeling a lot more found lately. I’m happy to know you think of me — and John 10:10 has always been one of my favorites!


  2. Brandy permalink
    August 24, 2010 5:08 pm

    It is pulling you to Denver!!!


    • August 24, 2010 5:27 pm

      I think I’ll be visiting Denver in October for a graduate school fair. Who’s couch should I try to sleep on? Yours? Sarah’s? Dave and his wife’s? I guess I could ask John…but I don’t want to talk about my sister the whole time. 😉


  3. jgeerdes permalink
    August 24, 2010 5:14 pm

    Ha. Clearly, I didn’t take note of the date.


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