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Cut It Out

July 13, 2009
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Okay, I screwed up. I had Daniel in this emotional box really far away from my heart and I was healing pretty nicely. I could look at the box and even peek into the box from time to time and I was basically fine.

I mean I was still mourning the loss – literally crying myself to sleep a few times a week – but nothing debilitating. And by the way, has anyone noticed that crying yourself to sleep creates a worse hangover than slamming various shots before going to bed? No? Just me? I mean the snot that is in your head in the morning…

Anyway, I was basically doing good and getting progressively better. Then I had this dream about him – for like almost a week in a row. I couldn’t deal and I didn’t want to have this stupid dream anymore so I did something about it. I called him. I felt compelled to ask him if there was anything I could do to help. He said no, I hung up and I figured, “well I tried.”

I actually felt a little relieved; although I couldn’t help but think he did still really need some help. So I was fine and I quit having the stupid dream. Then, a few days later I got an e-mail from him. It was full of all of the things that are going wrong in his life – all things he has caused or allowed I might add.

He also added this little tidbit: God had told him to let me help. But how was I supposed to help? He didn’t know. I didn’t know. I thought, well I can by you some groceries. He had groceries. Okay, fine.

Well we meandered around a bit, and I eventually offered to help him with some paperwork that has to do with his child support and to try to sell some of the jewelry he had made so that he could have some cash.

Well I worked on both things for a few days – not full-time or anything. I figured I had a month to get it done and, well, I have a job…and a bit of a social life.

Well we were both at rehearsal on Thursday night and some of the comments he made made me uneasy. I started feeling like I was giving money to a junkie. Like this ‘help’ wasn’t really going to be any help because he wasn’t going to do anything to fix an of the other ruins in his life.

Then I told him via e-mail I couldn’t help him unless he gave me some more information – but he basically ignored the request for several days. By Sunday I was pissed. I tried to talk to him about it and he just vacillated. “Oh, yeah, wait, what do you need?” I mean practically incoherent and just infuriating.

Over the past week I realized I’m not really helping at all. I was just getting emotionally involved again – I had let him out of the box. Not cool. So I gathered up all the work that I had done, took it over to his place and gave it back. Then I went home sent him an e-mail about how I can’t handle it and this morning I had a nasty e-mail from him:

That’s o.k. Crystal. You did exactly what I expected you to. But, you begged me to let you help me. So, I gave you a chance. I even told you that you probably wouldn’t be able to. But, you never listen to me. This is not the first time that you have told me you would do something for me and then completely not followed through. This is just another drop in the same bucket.

regards,

daniel

So, apparently I am unreliable and worthless. I’m so angry just reading it again – partially because he always puts two spaces between sentences and they are totally worthless and because he doesn’t capilatlise the closing! But mostly because in this whole thing he is still thinking of himself as some sort of victim. And I’m the person who never comes through for him!

So mad, so freaking mad – and sad and scared.

I mean, how can this man – who I loved and was amazing and who I wanted to marry – have degenerated into this snarky, worthless, mean asshole! It scares the crap out of me and has me on the verge of never dating again. I also have to respond to the e-mail and I have no idea what to say.

Something like: “That was completely nasty and uncalled for and I deserve and apology. Please don’t talk to me again until you have you life back together and are ready to sincerely make amends.”

I have to cut him out of my life – completely.

I have blocked him from my MySpace, Facbook and Twitter sites and I e-mailed both of my pastors and told them that I may not be at church for the next few weeks. I just feel like if I see him I will hit him or explode into a puddle of tears and snot and I just need to get him back in that box and take back any power he has over me.

And now I have to go to my “Calling in the One” meeting – but I don’t think I want the One. At the moment I never want to be in a romantic relationship again!

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