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Graduate Ideas

August 15, 2009

So, I came to Brookings to visit my sister this weekend. We’ve had a great time, talking, eating, shopping. All that great sister stuff.

Yesterday afternoon I also visited SDSU to talk to the head of the Journalism department. I spoke with her briefly about graduate school.

She gave me some great leads and I am now totally panicked. I don’t know if I have it in me to leave home again. To go to college again. To deal with the competition of being a student again. My chest feels tight and my head is aching a bit.

I told my aunt Sylvia on Tuesday night that I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to be when I grow up. She laughed at me with her decidedly English tone and said, “How old are you now, Crystal. I’d say you are grown up.”

So, maybe I am, but I still don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life.

As many of you know, for the first 18 years of my life I wanted to get away from Rapid City. And then when I graduated I certainly didn’t want to go back. ANd once I was back I hated it for several years.

But now — and for the past two years or so — I can imagine spending the rest of my life in Rapid City. Am I just being a chicken? Have I suddenly developed a fear of the unnown, when the unknown used to excite me so?

I used to dread the idea of being in a place as small as Rapid and dream about making it in the big city. Any big city. But now the idea is so exhausting. I’m afraid I can’t succeed. I don’t want to be a lone. And, to top it all off, I can’t afford to move across town, let alone across country.

Maybe it’s all the rejection I have faced recently. I can’t even get an interview for a job I want — how am I supposed to get into graduate school? And how will I pay for it even if I do get in? I haven’t even paid off the credit card debt I accrued during school the first time around — let alond the student loans.
And now I can’t get a second job to help me pay for that sti[pid credit card debt!

Wow, surprise — Crystal is big chicken. I never thought that about myself, but it is starting to be obvious. And not just about graduate school. I do little things that are chicky-butt every day.

Maybe all of this is scary because I’m so tired right now. I really do just feel worn down. By work, by the whole man-woman struggle, by my messy apartment (which is actually miraculously clean right now — thanks to Willow), heck, I’m even tired of typing.

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