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The Do-Over Dress

August 18, 2009
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So my friend Savannah must be a little psychic. When she saw me this morning she knew that my dress was important. It is new, and that’s obvious. So maybe that’s why she asked me to model it for her.

“Stand up, let me get the whole effect.”

I turned. I posed. And I forgot to tell her that it was my new start/do-over dress.

Last night I laid down a mental and emotional marker – sort of a period at the end of my long sentence about Daniel – and today is my official new start.

I know some of you are sick of hearing about the D-man, but I need to get this down for posterity. So if you don’t want to know just stop reading right now.

About two weeks ago I was talking to Dee. I was just telling her a few things about how I was feeling and I even mentioned that I really thought in January that I would be moving to Michigan with Daniel by August.

“That sounds like a letter you need to write, girl,” Dee said.

“Really?”

“Or an e-mail. He needs to know that stuff. Or you deserve to tell him,” she said.

I decided she was right. So, I made up my mind to write him a letter and to try to meet with him before he left. Well, he ignored my request to meet. Which I guess I’m not too surprised about. But I still wrote the letter.

I was working on it on and off for the last two weeks or so, but I finished it last night.

I bought special paper, a Dr. Pepper and a new pen. Then I drove to a lookout point on the way to his place. I sat in the car and, as the sun was setting, I finished writing the letter. Then, as the stars were coming out, I drove to his place, said a little prayer and put the letter in the mail box.

To be honest I don’t know if he will even get the letter – if he’s leaving tomorrow there is a possibility that he won’t see the mail before he goes. There is also the distinct possibility that he will throw it away after he realizes it is from me. But I did it.

I made a plan and I followed through. At this point I don’t know if it is important for him to read how I feel or what I think. It was just important to get it out of me. Something makes me think I will never hear from him or see him again. But, right now, at this moment, I am okay with that.

I am giving myself a new start punctuated with a ritualistic “goodbye and a good life to you” to Daniel. I really do hope he somehow finds a way to be happy. Of course I also hope he eventually regrets letting me go, but that’s just my feminine ego.

Well, anyway, my little emotional ritual was my way of re-booting and starting over as fresh and clean and full of positive momentum as possible. Kind of like how in Spanish they put upside down exclamation marks in front of sentences.

Last night was my Exclamation: The next sentence in this story will be exciting. The next man will be amazing. I refuse to do anything but bloom. So, I pulled out my new petals to make it obvious – my do-over dress. My new start covered in pink and purple and yellow brush strokes.

Happy, new start and do-over day everyone.

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