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Going Without

September 1, 2009

“If I fail to go within, I go without.”

The last few weeks, I’ve been going without. Too much work, too much food and too much T.V. I haven’t wanted to think about things so I have busied myself with tasks and silly endeavors.

I wonder if my quest to “call in the one” got too hard. Or if the idea of becoming a realationship coach seemed like an insurmountable task. Either way, I started looking for a second job and got sidetracked by the amount of time it required.

I started thinking I needed more money to accomplish most of the things I’m interested in. I still think that, but I haven’t really decided what to do with the money if I start making it. I’ll pay off my credit cards — but to what end?

Do I want to be a life coach? Or do I want to go back to graduate school? Do I want to keep looking for anew job? Or do I stick it out here now that things are going better?

So, I didn’t really decided what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I have started pursing a new possiblity — graduate school.

When I was a senior in college I realized several things. I like to teach and I am naturally good at marketing. I figured I’d try to do some marketing work with my Journalism degree after graduation. I also thought I’d look into what it would take to be a high school teacher.

At least two more years of school — that’s what. And marketing, well everyone wanted someone with marketing experience. So, how does someone get marketing experience if yoiu have to have experience to get a job?

Anyway, I sort of did the math and decided I’d get a master’s degree and become a college professor if I was going to have to go back to school for several years anyway. And, hey how about marketing?

I was actually vacillating between theatre and marketing, but I had also decided that I wouldn’t go back to school for at least 5 years. So I had time to figure out which degree to pursue.

So, that’s what I’m working on now — loking for a master’s program I’d like. And it looks liek it either has to be advertising ot public relations because marketing is a business degree. And me and spreadsheets…well we aren’t pals.

Right now I’m still uncertain.

I’m still sort of looking for a second job. I’m still sort of interested in being a relationship coach. I’m still going to have a jewelry party in an effort to pay off my credit cards. I’m still doing research about graduate school. I’m still coming to work and doing my best every day.

But I really haven’t decided what I want to be next. I realize the possibilities are endless — they are also sort of terrifying. But I also think one of them should be better than the others…right?

Well, I’m trying to go within, but obviously I’m still going without — answers, that is.

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