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One More Time, Please?

September 8, 2009

If you had asked me about romance and relationships about a year and a half ago I would have said: “I want to be in love just one more time before I die. And I want to stay that way until I die.” In fact, I actually told quite a few people that exact thing.

And now…well I’m back where I started: longing for love. But this time I’m also scared.

Now if you asked me I’d probably say, “I want to be in love one more time before I die and I want it to last for the rest of my life – but not yet.”

Today I honestly still feel wounded – and acutely so. It’s not like I have any relationship prospects at the moment, but I know I would be panicking if I did. Just thinking about it makes my heart rate speed up.

This is such a frustrating place to be. Wanting to be in love again, but too scared to be ready for it. And, honestly I don’t know for sure what I’m afraid of. Getting dumped again? Teaching myself not to be in love with my ex anymore? Being alone?

Actually, I don’t mind being alone. I do mind being missed. Not like, “oh, I miss you so much!” I like that. I mean over looked, invisible.

What I mean is, you know all of those little delightful things that make you you – the things that most people don’t see. The things a romantic partner does get close enough to see. I hate doing those things when no one is looking. But, they are the things that make me me – the things I can’t avoid doing.

But no one is looking anymore. And I hate that I’m being missed because no one is looking close enough to see that I rock myself to sleep, or that I sing to myself almost constantly, or that I always try to make everything as beautiful as possible.

Now that he’s gone, nobody sees those things anymore. And when no one sees you it feels like you don’t exist. What’s even worse is I don’t feel like most of my ex boyfriends ever really saw most of that stuff – if they did they never told me.

But he saw it. And somehow – now that he’s gone I’m more invisible than I was before. And I still see him. I saw him last night when I lay down to sleep. I even felt like we were having a conversation. I must be crazy – or really sleep-deprived.

So, maybe I don’t just want to be in love again. I want to be seen by my lover too. Cherished, appreciated, understood…I just can’t do it yet.

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