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When I Grow Up…

September 16, 2009
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So, I’m still trying to decide on a vocational direction for my life. Currently I like my work, but I feel kind of trapped and I definitly can’t say that I am fulfilling the purpose God has for my life. I was talking to my friend Tim a few minutes ago and he was trying to help — asking me all of those questions that I’ve been asking myself about this. And the thing is the answers haven’t been too helpful so far.

What are you good at?
Hummm, almost anything I try to do. I’m not great at anything, but I’m pretty good at a lot of things. I know that I’m not good at sports. But aside from competetive physical activity I’ve been pretty good at everything I can remember trying.

What do you love to do?
Again, aside from sports the list is really long. I can muster up psassion for almost anything — for a time. For example, the shine has definitly been scuffed off of journalism at this point. Plus there is nothing that I love to do all the time. even making out gets old for me and who doesn’t like kissing?

What does God want you to do?
He isn’t talking. I’m sure all of my Christian friends are thinking to themselves, “Yes He is, you just aren’t listening.” Well I’m trying to listen! I keep asking and right now I’ve got nothing. And I’m anxious about making the wrong move and it has me rather paralysed. Oh, and lazy. All these doors closing around me haven’t seemed to shake open a window yet. So, until He’s talking in an audible heavenly voice (or some facsimile thereof) I’m just scared and wondering.

Work is so amazing lately. I have been able to work on some projects that I care about. I still don’t have enough time with any of them to feel like I am doing a truly exceptional job, but I have sort of come to accept that that will never happen in the newspaper industry.

I also want to pay off my credit cards and this has caused me to deal with this issue a lot more intensely. I tried for almosy 6 months to finds a second job to no avail. So, I started making jewelry to sell. It’s fun to put these things together and it doesn’t feel like work. Also, I love creating things. Almost anything. So, since I had the beads it seemed like a good plan.

But I tried to have a party last weekend and only two people showed. I’m going to try a gain, but it was disappointing. Plus, I have actually invested money in it now. Only a few hunndred dollars, but still. If I don’t sell them I’m out a few hundred dollars instead of closer to paying off the few thousand dollars I owe.

Then I got hooked up with a friend who had a business opportunity for me. It is something I fell like I can be good at, but, for some reason, I suddently don’t want to commit to it. It might just be laziness. I might be ebginning to realize how much work it will be and I just don’t want to work that hard.

I’m back to feeling like I need to get some rest — but I know that in that situation I almost never fell like I have rested up enough. I never feel like I have the energy for something until I start doing it.

What’s more, I am trying to find out about graduate school. What do I want to do? Where can I handle going? How on earth will I pay for it. Maybe my mom is skipping church tonight and can talk to me about it.

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