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Fat butts, fat lips and fat heads

October 15, 2009

Thank you for joining this installment of “Crystal talks about being fat.” If you are enraged by honest talk about fat women, please tune into a different channel. Now, here’s a word from our sponsors:

“When I was happy, my mom gave me cookies. When I was sad, my mom gave me cookies. All of my emotions demand cookies!”

I’m losing weight – it’s official. As of last week, I am no longer gaining weight, I am now losing it. Can I get an AMEN from the congregation? No. How about just from the women who have had a fat day lately?

“AMEN!”

Thank you ladies. That was lovely.

Now, I am not suddenly svelte by any means. And I still have very few pants that fit – but it is progress.* So, yeah I’m not suddenly Heidi Klum, but I am over that dangerous hump. You know about the fat hump, right? That time period after you have decided you want to lose weight, so you eat better and exercise more, and it seems like it isn’t doing any good.

The fat hump is dangerous because if you don’t keep working to get over the hump (until you actually loose some weight) you will give up. And, by you, of course, I mean me.

As many of you know my weight is an emotional issue. I’m not just emotional because of my weight, but rather, I sort of weigh what I do because of my emotions. Obviously, this is a problem. It creates extremely stark moments for me, wherein, I realize I have just eaten half a bag of Oreo cookies and wasn’t even hungry to start with.

And I did it without thinking.

I felt bad and I wanted to feel better so I threw some food at the emotions and the food stuck – to my thighs that is – and all without engaging my brain for a moment. Probably because my emotions know my brain would stop me and they refuse to relinquish control…because they want cookies.

Absolutely diabolical!

So, yeah, usually my emotional eating is a bad thing. But, strangely, it is becoming a good thing. A combination of personal pursuits has recently led me to love and accept myself a lot more – and, specifically, to love and appreciate my body more. I feel more beautiful. As a result I have been treating my body with love. No more eating fudge until I cry about it.

Ummmmm, fudge…oh, sorry.

At this point, I feel I must re-iterate: I’m not suddenly a supermodel because of this. It’s just a surprising and beneficial twist.

I find it incredibly interesting that things would play out this way, because I always figured I would have to lose a lot of weight again in order to love my body. But it’s looking like I have to love my body in order to lose weight. Man, life is tricky.

Of course, I am still emotional about it. I recently read something an ex-boyfriend wrote about how he now refused to date chubby women any more, suggesting that chubby girls have something wrong with them. I was instantly furious. And then I cried. (And then I thought, “I wonder if I have any cookies.”)

But wait, how dare he even think that, let a lone blog about it! Even if it might be true.

Yeah, I took it personally. It was a crazy ex moment. I felt like he was saying I’m chubby, so there is something wrong with me so the failure of our relationship is my fault. I wanted to cuss. In fact, I probably did cuss.

But, the thing is, there is something wrong with me. I admit it to myself and other people all the time. But for some reason I don’t want other people to admit it. And they sure as hell better not write about me and my chubby problems on their blog!

Especially, because I know what’s wrong and I’m working on it. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m figuring it out though. I’m not just sitting in this fat room with my hands over my eyes screaming about how it’s dark in here.

I’m pulling my hands away and finding the light sort of painful – especially when I look in the mirror. But the more acquainted I become with the light the warmer it has become. I will fix this. I will be thin and healthy again.

Now, I think I need a plan. Maybe I need to shell out the bucks for a personal trainer. I wonder, is this worth going back into debt? Well, whether I find a plan or hire someone with a plan, I know that am thin, active, healthy and beautiful. I am vibrant.

Well, maybe not vibrant. Not yet anyway. But I promise that girl is in here. I feel her. I’m getting to know her and I’m starting to love her.

* I’m sort of back again to my “this is as fat as I ever want to be” moment. If you are a long-time reader of my blog you know what I’m talking about. If you aren’t – well, All the blogs are here on MySpace. You can check it out.

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