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Infinity…and beyond

November 5, 2009

I’m not good at decisions lately. And I don’t think was ever too great at them to start with. I just see too many possibilities with every option, and I know that there are tons of variables I can’t see.

In fact, at any moment there are an infinite number of possibilities. Until you act on the moment, that is. Then there is just a destiny. And sometimes the destiny is suddenly out of your control.

Furthermore, every time you chose something you are giving something else up. A choice means taking one option at the loss of all the other infinite options. That’s hard for me. I like the possibilities. I like infinity. But the problem is you can’t really live without limitations, without destinations, without choices.

I just want to know what limitations and destinations my choices will cause. Of course that’s a question rarely answered with anything but hindsight.

I wonder if people realize that choosing to move forward and move on means giving up the things they have now. Maybe they do realize it and that’s why the majority of people don’t seem to make choices. They hold onto what they have so tightly that they smother it. Or choices start making them.

Or, by doing nothing, they choose. They choose to stay and wait. They give the reins to chance. As if chance didn’t have enough power already.

I want something more. I feel it pulling me upward. I feel my pulse quicken and my mind wander. Sometimes all it takes is a breath and I cry. I have to choose the next thing. But that means giving up what I have now. And I really do love what I have now…

…but the feeling in my chest…it wants more. It’s time to go.

But where?

I’m at one of the most stark and literal crossroads of my life right now and I don’t even know what all of my choices will mean. (Please, God, make one of the choices look and feel right.)

Can’t I just relax in infinity?

Nope, not for more than few moments. You have to chose, or there is no growth. No life. No hopeful future pulling at your soul.

So, I’m scared, but not terrified. I’m hopeful, but sad. And I still haven’t really decided anything.

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