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Because, I have to…

November 18, 2009

Why do you have to go to graduate school? You have a good job already.

Because I have to.

Can’t you just go to Black Hills State? Why do you have to go to graduate school so far away?

Because, I have to!

Why do you have to go to graduate school anyway? Do you realize what kind of debt you will be in when you get done? And what if you can’t find a job? Just because you are qualified to teach college doesn’t mean anyone will make you a college professor.

I just…have to.

Why do I have to defend it?

I just know that this isn’t enough anymore. I have to push harder, go further and grow stronger. And I have to leave. And I’m already scared. And I don’t feel like I can handle all your questions. I also don’t feel like I can even answer the questions to your satisfaction.

It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It doesn’t mean I am rejecting you or this place that I love. I just…have to go.

I need to do something bigger. And the something bigger is pulling me. It makes my heart beat faster and my breath catch in my throat when I acknowledge it. Whatever it is, is making the life I have now – while wonderful – painful and increasingly impossible.

I have to do something and I think this is it.

After I accomplish, this I might need to do something even bigger. And that will be scary too. And I might need some help. And I might need you to stop asking all of these scary questions and just help me.

I’m already terrified. I don’t need your help with that. I need hugs and help planning and maybe even some money if anyone has any advice on how to get more (except for you Kendra, we’ve been through this already – love you!).

And I don’t want to go it alone. But I will…if I have to.

I’m going to do this whether you all like it or not. And it is a good thing whether you believe in it – in me – or not. No matter what I’m going, I’m trying and, while I might fail, I really have no choice.

I’m doing this…because I have to.

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