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Breaking up is hard to do…

December 1, 2009

If it’s the topic of a pop song it must be true, right? And it’s better to just accept truth. So, on to my new adventure, accepting truth.

Who’s scratching their head right now? Who figured out the riddle? Who already knew because I called you crying last night?

Well here it is: Blake broke up with me last night, and I don’t want to talk about the break up – or even the relationship. Please spare me the “you deserve better” and “he doesn’t know what he’s missing” comments – at least for now. I can’t take it. I don’t want to rehash what happened for each of you one by one and I don’t want it out here for the world to see on my blog. So you will all just have to live with out details – at least for now.

Besides, I don’t really know what happened. As soon as it was clear that he was breaking up with me all I could do was concentrate on not throwing up. And…I doubt I’ll get an explanation again (I’m lucky he tried to explain it in the first place) so none of us may ever know the whole story.

But when do you really know the whole story anyway? What we learn about things is usually someone’s version of a story and the person telling the story is usually the good guy in their own mind so they end up being the good guy in the story. And there isn’t always a bad guy…and sometimes there’s more than one bad guy.

Even more reason not to try to explain it all. Especially since everyone who loves me is just going to try to convince me that he’s bum and I should be glad to be rid of him. But he’s not a bum. He’s not the bad guy. He’s a good guy and I know that – whatever his reasons are (I really should have been listening, crap!) – he just did what he thought was right. So, there it is.

Now my new task…moving on graciously. I suck at this. I especially suck at being friends with exes because there are always leftovers – leftover emotions, that is. Either there is a lingering affection or enough anger and malice to make a continuation of the relationship unhealthy.

I can’t even handle leftover food very well, so leftover emotions…really hard to swallow. (Although at the moment I think they might go down nicely with some cheesecake – or an entire cheesecake.)

But, I have made up my mind this time: I will not behave like a crazy ex-girlfriend! Not this time. Please, God, give me the insight and the discipline to avoid it this time. I will be the little ex-girlfriend who could (not act crazy).

“I think I can. I think I can. I think I can…”

Unfortunately, after having this morning’s Facebook status misconstrued (and then deleting it) I already feel defeated. It’s impossible isn’t it – trying not to be the crazy ex? No matter what, the dumper is looking for reasons to justify his or her choice. The dumpee is hurt and instantly filters their experiences through pain or frustration or anger, and everything is ramped up a notch. More drama, more sadness, more desperation – more crazy.

And then there’s the fact that I am really dramatic to begin with. I like to think it is part of my natural charm. And I can usually convince myself and others that this is true. But I’m not so successful during my ex-girlfriend moments.

Well, anyway, at the moment I don’t see how any contact can result in anything but crazy ex syndrome. (Of course, I’m sure I can do better at avoiding it than I did last time. And I did actually avoid it with Sky back in high school…but that was just because he was in love with me for months after we broke up.)

So, maybe I should purposely cut off all communication. But, then again, maybe I should just accept my inevitable crazy ex status. Maybe I should crawl under the covers and suck my thumb. Should we take a vote? Nah…forget about it.

To all my exes everywhere, sorry about the crazy. I really am feeling much better now.

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