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Crystal’s Winter

December 6, 2009

So, I love that we have seasons…and sometimes I love that we have all the seasons in one week here in South Dakota. But, honestly, I hate winter. I hate it almost as much as I hate summer. I mean, at least I’m not sweating but everything is so sad.

The streets look dirty and everything seems more barren. The trees look dead without their leaves, and when there isn’t snow on the ground the yellow-brown grass just absorbs my energy. The skyline I usually adore, with hills and tree-tops towering over my little life, is covered with the skeletons of all those naked trees.

And then, there’s the sky. It becomes gray for days at a time. Sometimes you can’t even find the sun when you look straight up. And the nights without the stars or a moon might be the saddest part of all. Nothing seems to sparkle on it’s own in the winter.

Maybe that’s why we all feel compelled to put up sparkle lights all over our houses, because the stars are hiding from us.

Well, even with all the sadness of winter, at least the temperatures stayed higher longer this year. But, the weather turned this week. It is suddenly and painfully winter here in the RC. It feels fitting, considering the painful week I’ve had, that the air would also turn into stabbing ice.

As I got out of my car this morning to go to church, I felt the burst of cold on the warm tracks my tears had taken down my cheeks and neck, and I got angry.

“Great, I get dumped and I get winter all in the same week. It really feels like salt in a wound. Thanks, God.” I thought sarcastically. The cold air felt like a literal and metaphoric slap in the face. Making the pain physical now too, as well as emotional.

“Don’t do that, Crystal. Try to think of a bright side.” I told myself. “Maybe God is trying to remind me of the seasons in life. Oh, hell…maybe it was just time for winter.”

This morning was hard. It’s funny, I keep having good moments (like couch time with Dee, dinner with Logan or shopping with Jackie — even having my sister and Kendra pick on me) and hoping the relief will last, and then being disappointed when I start crying again. Wow, I sure fell hard this time. And fast. And against all my efforts not to.

The thing is, I realize that I don’t know everything about him. And I certainly don’t know that he was the one for me — or even a one ofr me. (Especially since not wanting the job pretty much garuntees he isn’t the guy.)

But he was close. Really close. Almost everything I learned about him in the past two months was something I want in my future partner. And I thought he felt the same way. I thought he was really serious about trying to make this work.

Well, the sudden change was painful and cold. And every breath feels like ice right now. But I have to actively move forward. Things will thaw. And, hey the cold of winter does make the thaw of spring feel that much warmer.

I know spring wouldn’t seem so great if it weren’t for winter. Which is part of the reason I like that we have seasons. It just doesn’t feel like spring will ever come when it’s this cold.

Well, I guess it’s time to try to be thankful for this winter in my life, even though the cold feels like it’s ripping apart my skin — my chest.

Well, here’s to the thaw. May it come quickly and be both powerful and gentle — maybe even enlightening.

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