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The Crazy Ex Strikes Again

December 18, 2009

Well, I did much better this time, but I guess the crazy ex thing really is unavoidable. And, as of last Saturday I think my ex was angry enough to move me to the crazy ex category in his brain. So it goes. No matter what I try the crazy ex strikes again.

For this break-up, I defriended the ex almost immediately. I even made a point to tell him that was my plan before I did it – so as to not accidentally appear nasty. I tried not to talk about him on my page too much. I have even been trying to say nice things about him when my friends ask about the whole thing. In fact I have been practically defending him and some of my girlfriends are annoyed by it. My mother is straight up pissed about it.

The thing is, I really didn’t want to have to break something for this break up – not to the state that it was completely useless and irreparable. I mean isn’t a broken heart enough? (yeah, that was cheesy, feel free to groan to yourself about it.) Moving on…

I really thought we might be able to be friends again someday – and he even went so far as to say that he wanted to be able to get back together at some point. (Again, feel free to groan to yourself.) So I was trying to be nice and doing everything I could to avoid all of the ex drama. I’ve really been keeping most of it to myself (crying in private and working through things on my own time).

I have even written several blogs about the whole thing that I decided not to post. So no crazy ex Crystal, right? Wrong.

My mistake? A comment that I put on one of my old blogs. I didn’t think he would ever see it or I would have never written it. It was for me…for posterity. Maybe even an emotional prop for myself. I didn’t mean anything nasty by it and I wasn’t trying to make him look bad. I’m not that girl.

Of course now, from his perspective I’m cruel and vindictive and passive aggressive. Oh, and he made sure to throw in that he was glad that we broke up after all and that I have effectively stomped any future chance we had of getting back together into the ground.

Super fun being someone’s ex isn’t it?

Well the first thing I did when I realized that he was mad at me was my old “try not to throw up” move. But that was mostly because he was contacting me in any way. I was pretty shocked to say the least.

My second response…well, honestly, I found it humorous. I mean considering the situation, the idea that he would be mad at me…well I’m chuckling again right now. Is my life just a comedy of errors or what? I feel like I’m living through the second-act twist of a really bad romantic comedy.

All the drama, confusion and miscommunication – heck the lack of communication. Just hilarious and astounding. Oh, and the reason I usually hate that part of rom-coms. I always end up thinking, “Why don’t those people just talk to each other and smooth things over?”

But I digress…and of course now I know why. I guess I don’t’ know why he isn’t talking to me, but I’m just trying to get distance and heal. Plus, he didn’t seem to want to know how I really felt about anything. I mean he would have asked if he cared, right? Well I hope so and I am going to just assume that it’s true. And, therefore assume that he doesn’t care.

My next emotional response was to be angry. I felt invaded that he had seen my blog again. I wanted to block him. But I also felt sad that he was so upset with me. I really do just want to talk it all out and deal with it – even if it’s the last conversation we ever have.

I don’t like feeling like there is a rift between us that could possibly be healed. Bad blood a burned bridge…whatever you want to call it, I don’t like it.

So, humor, anger and sadness…that’s pretty much the mix right now. Well, of course I responded. I’m not a sit and wait girl. Not really.

(Which, by the way, is part of the reason that I don’t think I am passive aggressive. I honestly think of myself as aggressive aggressive. I’m too old and too impatient not to just get to the point. And it is still really bugging me that he thinks that about me. Maybe he felt it was passive aggressive because I didn’t address him directly with my thoughts.)

Anyway, I e-mailed him back, told him I would be blocking him and that he was welcome to call me if he wanted to talk, but that I wasn’t comfortable with e-mail (too much room for misinterpretation). I also told him that I was sorry if anything I had done had hurt him or angered him because that was not my intent.

I sent it, assumed that I would never hear from him again, and tried to accept that idea. It’s not working. I find myself disappointed that he hasn’t responded and still frustrated by the idea that there is animosity between us. I think about all of the things he doesn’t know – because he didn’t ask and/or wouldn’t listen – and it really does bother me.

I’m actually disappointed in him. That sounds condescending. Or maybe it sound passive aggressive? Anyway, the whole thing makes me wish there were some sort of Court of Love where we cold all go to deal with these things, get a final ruling and move on…

Maybe I can write about the Court of Love tomorrow. Yeah I think I’ll do that.

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