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When in Doubt, Chase the Girl

February 6, 2010

Okay guys. I have put this particular philosophy out there for all of you before, and honestly I don’t have anything too new for insights. But I just feel like it is time to tell this truth again: When in Doubt, Chase the Girl.

But, we’re such good friends, I don’t know if she wants to be more than friends.

Chase her.

I don’t know if she is over her ex-boyfriend.

Chase her.

I don’t know if she wants to be in a relationship right now.

Chase her.

She says she just wants to focus on other parts of her life (her career or school or family) right now.

Chase her.

All of the above statements are excuses women give when either they aren’t that into you or they don’t think you are enough of a man for them. So, either you need to chase the girl and get things to the point that she has to just say, “No, I don’t want to be your girlfriend,” (which means you will probably need to be straightforward and ask her to be your girlfriend) or, she just isn’t convinced that you’re too special or that you care about her too much (which means you need to step up your game and show her why you would be a great boyfriend and how much you adore her).

When in doubt, chase the girl. The only way to alleviate your doubts and make the situation clear is to pursue the woman. And I’m sorry, boys. I know some of you are insecure or lazy and you don’t like the fact that in the dating game men have to be the one to pursue the woman, but that is just the way it is. Emotionally, psychologically, mentally, women need to be pursued and men need to pursue them for this whole boy-girl thing to work well.

What’s more, in the best relationships the men never stop pursuing their woman. They are always trying to get deeper and closer and more intimate with the woman they love. If you can’t pony up and pursue her in the beginning she isn’t going to get into a luke-warm relationship with you that is frustrating at best and just a shadow of what you could have together. That is, unless she is really insecure.

I have a friend who is a sweet, smart, sexy guy. Sometimes I actually think he should develop a crush on me, but only if he is going to get the guts to really chase me. I’m a tough, sassy, smart woman. I’m hard to catch. But, that is not my point. My point is Triple-S has the hots for a mutual friend of ours. She lives in another city and before she moved the two of them were sort of involved.

I say “sort of” because things were unclear, undefined. And the two of them were on completely different pages. From my stand point I could clearly see that he wanted to be her boyfriend and she just wanted the comfort of a man for a while. I think she figured things would end when she left town and that they would never really need to deal with each other again.

But he didn’t get the “game over” memo. He started visiting the town that she had moved to. He went there to see her, but he stayed with other friends. She usually found some excuse to be busy for most of the weekend, but would have lunch with him before he left town.

Again, from the outside eye this was so obvious. He, on the other hand, thought he still had a chance. But he didn’t know how to get things going.

Then, when she visited his town (not him mind you, just the town he lives in) things got a bit more complicated, and he got more confused. Again, from the outside, it seemed pretty obvious that she just wanted the friendship and comfort of a man; but he wants to be her boyfriend, so he couldn’t see that.

This is where he sort of told me his side of things. I didn’t want to tell him to give up on her and that she doesn’t really want him. Because, honestly maybe she would want him if he really pursued her.

So, I lent him this classic wisdom, “When in doubt chase the girl.”

It doesn’t mean you will catch her, but you will no longer have to waste your time wondering if she will be your girlfriend. That is, if you chase her well. Now I’m not saying go into scary stalker mode, just grow a pair and make things clear. Furthermore, force her to make things clear. Set it up so that you can both know for sure.

Ask her on a DATE. Use the word date. Ask her if you can take her out. Make it clear that you want to pay and that you don’t mean it to be “just as friends.” Ask her at least three days before you want to take her out and have a plan for what you would like to do together. If she gives you a lame excuse, ask her again. Ask her until she tells you that she doesn’t want to date you.

Call her…on the phone…regularly. Really try to get to know her. Use the time you spend together to show her how you feel about her and to make sure you want to date her. Heck, try to make some kind of contact with her every day. We live in technological times. You can send an e-mail, an IM, a text. You can call, you can hang out. There are a lot of ways to make contact.

It seems like basic common sense to me, but even smart people don’t get it sometimes.

Some girls will just swerve and be unavailable. You will have to chase harder. Again, this is not so that you can catch the girl, it is so that you are able to be in a position to know, for sure, if the relationship is a possibility. Get things to the point that you actually define the relationship. A good DTR will disseminate doubt every time.

If she has been avoiding you ask her why. If she has turned you down or is always busy when you want to spend time together try to make an appointment when she isn’t busy (otherwise known as a date).

Some girls will play hard to get. Some girls just are hard to get. Some girls will put you off because they just don’t really want to be with you. If you suspect the latter, ASK her. Here, I’ll give you an example of a good way to do this (by the way, this is okay to do over e-mail if you have to…and if you think she will actually answer the e-mail):

“I haven’t been able get a hold of you/spend time with you lately and I’m disappointed. I really like you and I want to get to know you better (if you already know her you might want to say you would really like to date exclusively or take the relationship to the next level). Are you interested in getting together to talk about this?”

Or you could just straight up say, “Are you interested in taking things to the next level between the two of us?”

I know, it’s scary, and there is always the chance that she will say no. But it’s way better than listening to her cry about all the men who treat her badly and thinking about how great you would be to her if she would give you chance. If you’re a good guy there’s a good gal out there for you. The potential rejection is really a get-out-of-this-pointless-situation-free card. It is the freedom to move on to the next woman, maybe the right woman.

Good luck, and remember, “When in Doubt. Chase the Girl.”

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18 Comments leave one →
  1. Dee Davis permalink
    July 14, 2010 11:18 am

    I do agree! Since I would consider myself an old fashioned girl, if a guy likes me, he’s probably not going to get me if he doesn’t chase me, even a little bit at least!I’m not expecting him to do ALL of the work, but at least in the beggining, in order for me to know that you’re interested…you gotta do something.

    I mean, in some situations we ladies WILL have to initiate some sort of contact, but I also feel that alot of women, do WAY more than they should in pursuing a man.
    Therefore there’s not a lot of chasing left for the guy to do.

    Obviously most men aren’t always going to able to tell if we are feelin’ them or not.
    As long as the woman doesn’t play games, or doesn’t like to play hard to get, if the man is smart…he should be able to tell if the lady is interested or not.
    So yes men….we do like to be chased…pass it along to your friends!

    Like

  2. Ghetto_Philosopher permalink
    September 1, 2010 2:35 am

    Even when I don’t agree with you, I still enjoy the way you make your point. I agree that men need to always chase women but I think your friend should have just moved on from this girl (I am assuming he probably has by now. This was written a while ago). He didn’t get the memo because she never sent the memo. She led him on like she always had and was still doing that at the time you wrote this. That’s why there was confusion, not because he didn’t just man up and asked for clarity. I don’t know the story but it sounds to me like he put forth enough effort that the girl could easily have told him, I’m just not interested. Instead, she was content to play a part that suited her. By the way, in my opinion, if a girl makes all those excuses, you shouldn’t chase her. If a girl is “interested” in you, even if she plays hard to get, I doubt they’d make those excuses.

    Like

    • September 1, 2010 8:20 am

      You’re right — she was being cagey. She should have told him that she wasn’t interested — however, he never did straight out say “will you date me.” It’s like he was trying to persuade her to ask him out. And I’m not a fan of “playing” anything — especially hard to get.

      Like

  3. jingles permalink
    May 28, 2011 2:56 pm

    yea but even if the guy says ‘will you date me?’,

    she might say, ‘we live in different cities’

    i just say this because i’m dealing with the same situation. i can’t forge ahead and let her know i’m interested because we live on opposite sides of the country.

    Thinking about calling more often but there will come a point when she will start wonder what i want from her. i’d like to get to know her again, take her out and treat her right. can’t do this when we live so far away. not sure how to make things go forward

    Like

    • May 28, 2011 5:03 pm

      Well either she will be up for the long-distance thing or she won’t. If she is up for it you can proceed and work together to make it work. If she isn’t up for it, you will have to workt to close things up and move on. It’s likely there is someone special in your current city. And if not, maybe you should move to a city withmore options.

      Like

  4. jingles permalink
    May 28, 2011 6:31 pm

    but she is the only one who isn’t afraid to challenge me

    thanks for the well written article

    Like

    • May 29, 2011 10:12 pm

      If you develop more relationships I’d bet you’ll find more women who aren’t afraid to challenge you. Women like that are everywhere. But they usually have to develop a friendship with a man befor ethey will do so.

      Like

  5. November 10, 2012 1:31 am

    So your telling us guys to chase the girls… no offense but I think this would not work for several reasons. First, girls would just totally flat out think that we’re desperate, some weird creeps who have no game. You ladies are attracted to the experienced males who are not socially awkward and know what he’s worth. By chasing a girl, the guy would just put her on the pedestal and have tunnel vision plus it makes him seem needy and desperate. Secondly, where is the challenge in it for her and showing her that he’s worth it? If he chases her all the time, things would just come too easy and she would get bored. She will know how to push every buttons of his and soon she will end up with another guy when she gets bored. By chasing the girl, this also makes him seem weak and a person that has no value. ( true, truth be told that he’s a nice guy who has lots of potential but we don’t usually see that because we’re blinded by the fact that simple and easy things aren’t as good as complex things), Third, if a girl didn’t liked him she wouldn’t even have lead him on and would just tell him straight out from the first two hang out or so. If she lead him on then the bitch is just sickening and an attention whore.

    Like

    • November 12, 2012 10:22 am

      You sound pretty defeatist there, Jacob. And a little bit like you hate women. Plus, you seem to have missed the point. The suggestion of this blog is not that men should blindly, continually chase women. The title is “When in DOUBT chase the girl” and the idea is that chasing the girl will relieve any doubt and allow you to either move forward in a relationship with her or move on and find a real relationship.

      Like

  6. theIVth permalink
    January 24, 2013 2:56 pm

    I agree with this. You always have a chance to impress a chick if shes responsive and wiling to at least have lunch with you or have a drink. You never know when she may fall under your spell once she smells your cologne or sees the way other women look at you or sees the way you handle yourself and gets a different perspective. Women that know their worth, KNOW THEIR WORTH. Their going to be harder to get because their worth more than the average chick. The average approach wont work on her. You have to really show her you want her by chasing her.

    Like

  7. Bummi permalink
    May 11, 2013 9:23 am

    It’s confusing a girl told me she has no time for me right now I’m not sure If she playing hard to get and wants me to chase her. Haven’t had contact with her in a week I really like her I’m trying to keep my pride and not contact her. So should I or not?

    Like

    • May 11, 2013 11:27 am

      There are a lot of possibilities here.

      First of all, did she say she has not time for you, no time to date, or no time for anything? These are all very different ideas in a woman’s mind. And why is she too busy for human interaction? Most people will make time for the people they care about — especially women.

      That being said, ‘no time’ is usually I-don’t-want-to-be-a-bitch-code for “I don’t like you” or “try harder” or “you’re smothering me” or, “you like me WAY more than I like you” or some variation on one of those themes.

      Third, in this day and age there are a LOT of ways to be in contact with a love interest that take almost no time away from other obligations in a person’s busy life. Texting, telephone, e-mail, Facebook…there’s more, but you get the idea. Most people can send a text in like ten seconds, or write an e-mail in like ten minutes. And that’s a pretty substantial e-mail.

      If you like her and you want to interact with her these are all viable choices, just be careful not to be too overwhelming when using these avenues. More than once a day — unless she reciprocates — is too much chasing. It borders on stalking even if it is over the phone or internet.

      As for your pride, pride is an enemy to love. Haven’t you heard of Jane Austen? 🙂

      Like

  8. Lovefool permalink
    May 16, 2015 8:14 am

    Hi.

    I’m probably resurrecting an article from its grave but I just wanted to say thanks. Thank you for the motivation to pursue a girl I like until she either says yes or gives me a firm no, so I could finally bury the issue and move on with my life. Until then I’m not letting up the chase.

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 16, 2015 10:03 am

      Good luck with your pursuit LoveFool. And remember, this only works if you are completely certain about what you are doing. Don’t spend time together in any way that could be interpreted as a friend hang. Ask her on a date. Tell her it is a date. Tell her that you like her and you want to be her boyfriend. If you don’t speak in certain terms things will always be uncertain.

      Like

  9. Wolfgang permalink
    October 4, 2016 6:14 am

    When in doubt, Chase her. If she walks away, Chase her. If she acts whatever, Chase her. Recently I received a few subtle hints from a woman who manages a supermarket I shopped at. After 2 Wednesday’s of this, I decided to make a move. When I came around where she was stocking items, I said ” Hi. How are you?” All I got was a dirty look, she turned her back to me without saying a word and went back to what she was doing. Am I supposed to chase her and possibly get a harassment complaint filed against me? To me it’s a subtle way of her saying ” F@$& Off. And then they wonder why men don’t pursue them.

    Like

    • October 4, 2016 6:40 am

      I don’t know the whole story, so I can’t give you great advice. However, this is also mixed up with your job. So, you are right to be careful. The message of this is to be direct and honest. If you are still unsure about your relationship one or both of you are not being direct and honest. If you think she is angry with you, but are unsure. Be direct and honest and ask. Be simple. “You seem angry with me. Can you please tell me what I did so that I can apologize and hopefully avoid doing it again?” Direct. DIRECT! And especially if this is a co worker, you should address it directly. If you are concerned that harassment may be perceived involve your superiors. This is why many businesses do not want their employees romantically involved with one another.

      Like

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