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You know what your problem is?

February 24, 2010

Yes, actually, I think I do know what most of my problems are.

Right now my biggest, most-pressing problem is the fact that I sent a text message to my ex boyfriend a few days ago and, subsequently, engaged into a bit of a text tête-à-tête with him this morning and part of last night – and I’m a bit stirred up about it.

The most frustrating part of the whole thing is all the miscommunication that was involved. I don’t really feel like he understood where I was coming from at all. Or even really comprehended what I was saying. It was almost like he got into a fight with himself about me and I got sucked into it.

Like no matter what I said or how I said it he was going to respond with venom toward me. At least that’s how it seemed. He seemed really angry and I thought he was being rather cruel actually.

It makes me wonder, what if the conversation hadn’t been over text? What if I had been more than half awake for the initial convo? What if I had been more forthcoming? What if I hadn’t texted him? What if cell phones had never been invented?

Anyway, I hate those types of situations. It makes me feel helpless when I just can’t do anything to get myself heard or seen or understood. To quote a brilliant movie, “I felt impotent and out of control and I really hate that.”

As frustrating as it was, it also hurt to learn the things thinks of me now. And the fact that he thinks such horrible things. (Especially in light of the fact that once upon a time he said he thought such wonderful things about me.)

How the worm has turned.

Well, I am just self aware enough (and just insecure enough) to realize that there is always a possibility that he might be right about the horrible things he said. So, now – of course – I have to do my due diligence and consider whether he is right about his acerbic assessment of my character.

Ugh…heavy lifting time.

I considered asking several friends if they agreed with him or for some advice about what parts of my character I need to change. But, as a friend myself, I understand the flaws inherent in that situation. I’m already upset, so the first response of a person I love (who loves me back) might be to simply calm me down and assure me that I’m a great gal.

And, like anyone else, that’s what I would really want to hear.

One of the things he said was that I can’t take criticism. And that is why I always blame other people for my problems. (Which, he said is evidenced by every twitter entry, every blog, every status update…blah, blah, blah.)

I should have said, “You’re right. I can’t take criticism. Not from my ex boyfriend via text anyway.” Plus, I certainly can’t take criticism when I’m already upset. And I realized at work last week that I have a hard time with it when I’m already trying to do a good job. So yeah, asking the friends is out. It will have to be self-assessment.

The thing is, I kind of think I know the bad stuff that I need to change. At least I know enough of it for now. I might not be able to handle more bad info about Crystal. I feel like it’s hard enough to deal with the bits about me I already know need a spit-shine.

One thing I know, no more contact with this guy without a massive apology – from him that is. It’s really amazing how angry I seem to make him. (Although, to be fair he said he wasn’t angry and accused me of assuming things.) If either of us should be angry with the other in this situation you’d think it would be me – but maybe I just think that because I’m the star in my own story.

Of course the whole text-versation ended in an epic fashion as well. I decided to let him know that he was hurting my feelings:

“You’re cruel,” I texted.

“You’re delusional.”


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