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I Must Be Lazy…

March 1, 2010

But everyone is, right?

Well, thanks for trying to make me feel better, but I’m too lazy to assimilate that information at the moment.

Maybe it’s just the winter blahs. Maybe it will pass. Maybe I shouldn’t have switched jobs. The thing is I have noticed that I am painfully aware of how many hours I have left before I get to go home throughout the day.

I really am living for the weekend lately and I don’t like it.

Truthfully though, I also haven’t been too productive in my downtime lately. So maybe I’m just having a lazy period. Maybe I’m a little depressed.

Maybe I don’t know what to do next. I’m feeling a little hopeless. But maybe I should feel hopeless.

Is there really any hope that I’ll find a job I love?

Is there really any hope that I’ll make enough money to get out from under my school loans?

Is there really any hope that I’ll be able to do something worthwhile, high paying and highly respected while only working like a 30 hour week?

I want federal holidays off. I don’t want to work nights. I want benefits and security. I want to work less than 40 hours a week and it would be really amazing if I could have summers off. I really want to feel like I’m accomplishing something great instead of just trading the hours of my life for money and services.

Is that too much to ask?

Well, probably.

For a while I thought the answer was to go back to school, get a master’s degree of some sort and become a college professor. I still like that idea, but I’m not too keen on what I want to teach. I was looking into advertising, but the more I think about it the more worthless the the pursuit of advertising seems to be.

I mean I like the idea of being able to get the word out and I think I would like to do marketing for non-profit organizations, but still. It doesn’t feel completely right.

Also, the more I write the more I want to devote myself strictly to writing. But how? I mean I will still have to pay my rent. Buy my groceries…pay my student loans…maintain my car. Then, even if I do accomplish something like writing a whole book I’ll still have to sell it. Boo.

A creative writing M.F.A would be a good way to write more, learn how to be a better writer and not have to pay my bills…but it’s a pretty freaking expensive for an attempt at something I’m not even sure I can accomplish. And, what if I can’t write and publish a book while in the program? I feel like I would be back to square one — needing a job that doesn’t suck.

And I sure as heck wouldn’t be able to afford working a job like this with another degree’s worth of loans to pay.

Yeah, I’m in a negative mood right now. And I’m feeling LAZY. I don’t want to work on any of this I want someone to just give it to me. I don’t want to stuy for the GRE I don’t want to get a portfolio together or write and application essay or gather reccommendations.

I do want an answer though. Maybe if I really felt like I knew the right direction I wouldn’t feel so lazy. Maybe.

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