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Fat and Single

April 12, 2010
tags: ,

So, I had a pretty great night this past Friday. But it left me a bit hung over. Not physically hung over as much as emotionally. It was karaoke night and I wound up spending the evening with three lovely fellas. What more can a gal ask than a night with three, sweet, smart and interesting guys – especially if they flirt a little?

I sang, we talked, (I flirted with all of them) and for the most part it was a great night. We talked about relationships, religion and gender roles. And then, one of my friends – who I considered up until this point to be a very sweet guy – basically said that I was too fat for him to ever consider dating.

Awesome.

Even the “sweet” boys are shallow enough that I’ll never have a chance. At the moment I let it go, but the thought just attacked me the rest of the weekend. The whole thing just really brought up a lot of angry feelings that I have about our society (especially men) perceiving my worth to be inversely proportional to my weight. My weight goes up and the perceived value I hold as a person goes down.

So fat girls don’t deserve love? Not romantic love anyway – and certainly not a relationship. Sure, I have half a dozen guys that I can have sex with if I want, but for a real relationship I have to get back down to a size 4 – really? It just seems ridiculous to me. You would think that looking for a purely physical relationship would mean qualifying applicants based on purely physical aspects.

But apparently when it’s just sex a guy doesn’t care what a girl looks like. If, however, a guy is considering a relationship with a woman, she has to be skinny. Not smart, not funny, not interesting, kind, giving and sweet – don’t get me wrong, those things would be nice, but no, no, no, the real deal breaker is how much she weighs.

This may be actual evidence that men are, indeed, dumber than women.

Now, it’s confession time. I’m kind of stubborn about this particular issue. (Pretty obvious since I’m a size 10, right?) If I really want to fall in love and my weight is the thing that is keeping it from happening I should just buckle down and get skinny, right? Sure, except that A.) I’m infuriated by the idea that I have to be thin to be lovable and B.) Part of me doesn’t want a man who won’t have me just because I’m heavy.

I really feel that a man’s refusal to be with me (or give me a chance) because of my size is a pretty fundamental character flaw. (Although, I suppose I realize that my stubborn nature could also be perceived as a character flaw. But not nearly as deep and ugly of one – right?)

Beyond that, it’s impractical. We’re all getting older, fatter and uglier every day. It’s called aging. So, choosing a mate with this much emphasis on appearance is illogical. (Or precluding a mate based on one physical trait.) It’s self-defeating and, again, it might be proof that men are indeed dumber than women.

There’s also a C.) I feel like my devoting time to grooming myself and working out for this express purpose is shallow, and ultimately takes away from the best things I have to offer a partner. I really do choose in little ways to spend the time I could spend grooming myself and working out in other ways. Like reading, writing, having conversations, creating beauty and helping others. Basically, investing in myself in ways that I feel make me a better person.

Okay, I need to lose some weight purely for health reasons. I need to take care of myself and show my body that I love it. And, I’m working on that. I have been eating way better and way less. I have also been exercising more. Yoga and Belly Dancing alone in my apartment mostly. About 3 times a week. Which I’m sure isn’t enough to make me a paragon of physical fitness, but I feel like it adds something to who I am along with the exercise.

The thing is, I was skinny for a while. Back in college for a few years I was sporting a 120 frame. It wasn’t due to any diligence on my part. I guess I just didn’t like food as much back then. Oh and I didn’t have a job that required me to sit on my rump for the better part of the day.

Maybe I should have tried harder to get married back when I was skinny, but I didn’t know it was going to be my only shot.

But when I was skinny, people treated me differently. I suppose you could say in a good way, but I still found it infuriating. Like nothing was expected or required of me because I was skinny. (And as a result I think I lost my sense of humor for a few years.)

What’s more, there were men everywhere and they were interested in me before they even got to know me. (Which is almost as infuriating as men not being interested just because of my heft.) Men would ask me out before they had even had an entire conversation with me. And when we did date they didn’t try to get to know too much about me. Were they assuming there wasn’t much to me? Or did they just not care if I had anything else to offer?

I guess the whole thing boils down to me feeling like my body is just the wrapping paper around the big gift of who I am. And to be discarded – or chosen but never opened – just because of the paper seems dumb.

Dumber than women.

So I’m angry and unresolved. Oh yeah…and I’m still fat and single.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. May 6, 2010 9:02 pm

    I'm full of laughter, knowledge, beauty, art, music, I could go on, but I am not full of myself. Being Narcissistic is not an asset, in fact it usually really turns people off when they find out that you are not what you pretend to be or who you think you are. I know you personally. You are not a nice person. You are not very intelligent. You do not have even an above average singing voice. You are not pretty. You are not funny. You are manipulative and outright nasty at times. If you were pretty, intelligent, funny, fun, had great breasts, a great ass, great legs, etc., you would have to beat the guys off you. You think you're so bright and insightful with your response, but it is laughable because none of it is true. What is true is that you ARE full of yourself, now isn't it? You admit it and take pride in it. How's that workin for ya?Now let's see if you will post this response because I'd love to debate you more on you're belief that being full of yourself when you shouldn't be is wonderful, and the fact that humility is often far more appealing to most people, even Jesus.

    Like

  2. May 7, 2010 11:20 am

    I don’t think you know the definition of Narcissism. What I have (at least what I’m working toward) is confidence and healthy self-esteem. I like myself for the most part and the stuff I don’t like I am trying to change. I am not sexually attracted to myself and I know that life isn’t all about me. My blog, however, is.If you really dislike me so much, why are you even reading my blog? If my existence offends you so much, please feel free to ignore it. And, judging from your posts, what you appear to be full of is cowardice and hatred. If you really do know me personally then we should be having this conversation in person it is incredibly childish of you to do otherwise.In fact, I dare you to identify yourself fully right here on my blog.

    Like

  3. May 7, 2010 4:31 pm

    All I can say girl, is that I too know you and you are NOT mean. You ARE funny and smart–and I'm a good judge of that I think. Blogs are supposed to be about self exploration–I'm glad you express yourself in an honest way. As to the weight – there are tons of men who think it's hot–they like a curvy woman! You just have to find one that you like back! I will beg to differ that we are all getting fatter and uglier – I think I'm looking quite good in my old age – lol!-Brooke

    Like

  4. May 7, 2010 4:32 pm

    Agreed about that person being childish – that's pretty surprising. are you sure it's not a person pranking your blog?

    Like

  5. Ghetto_Philosopher permalink
    August 19, 2010 6:40 pm

    I just discovered this post from a comment on a freshly pressed blog. I read this and I think you are right in some respect. However, the key question is; how do you feel about yourself? You went out with three guys. THREE guys and all three were flirting with you. One of them said they wouldn’t date you because of your weight and it prompted a blog on all or most men being shallow. What about the other two guys? Do you want all guys to want you or do you want one guy to want you? My point is, the right guy for you would be able to handle your baggage regardless of what they might be and everyone has some. You’re not single because of your weight. I hope you know that.

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    • August 19, 2010 6:43 pm

      The boys who were flirting with me didn’t want to date me — they wanted to have sex with me. It’s a completely different thing.

      Like

  6. Ghetto_Philosopher permalink
    August 19, 2010 11:56 pm

    You’re right. There is a difference but I’d think you have a lot more “dateable” qualities than most. If they wanted to have sex with you, I don’t think again that it’s because you’re a big girl and that if you were skinner, they’d want you less for sex and more for a relationship. I don’t want to presume to know you just from a few blog posts but you sound like a catch and a half. Just saying.

    Like

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