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Stupid Anxiety Dreams

June 5, 2010

Last night I had a horrible dream about college. In the dream I was flunking several classes because I hadn’t managed to find the rooms the classes were held in so I had been missing class all semester. In fact, I didn’t even know what time class started. And I couldn’t figure it out. I guess my subconscious didn’t know where the admin. building was.

I don’t know why I had such specific and frustrating visions last night. Maybe because Sarah is leaving town. Maybe because Dee and I talked about graduate school a little bit last night. Maybe it’s nothing. I don’t think that every dream has a deeper meaning, but I do think that sometimes our dreams are our brains (sub-conscious) way of trying to get us to think about things that we are consciously trying to avoid.

So, speaking of school and anxiety, the truth is that I haven’t made a lot of big progress toward graduate school. I’ve done little things, but I haven’t accomplished anything big. I’m not even done with one whole submission piece. I have several started, but none of them are done.

I know part of the reason is just simple procrastination. I mean I have until September. But I haven’t taken the GRE yet either and I should be studying harder for it. I know I’m scared that they won’t take me and I’m scared that my stuff won’t be good enough so I’m also probably doing that thing where I never really finish a project because it isn’t perfect yet.

Sarah’s going away party has me thinking about growing up and moving away all over again – like back in high school and after college graduation. And it raises ominous questions like, “What are you going to be?” “Where are you going to go?” “How should you be spending your life? Your talents? Your energy? Your time?” And the most anxious thing of all is, I don’t really know the answers to any of those questions. It’s borderline paralyzing.

I mean I want to write. I want the time and the help and the feedback that graduate school will provide. I even want the adventure and the new start that it symbolizes. But I don’t want all the work. That’s right I’m lazy. And I don’t want all the debt. I already have enough of that. And I don’t know if I want to do it alone. But I don’t have anyone to bring along.

And then there are those fears. What if they don’t want me? What if I’m not any good? What if I can’t get better? What if graduate school doesn’t help me in a career? I mean I still need money and I don’t want to labor in vain – which is actually why I avoid labor in general honestly. And really, since graduation it all feels like vanity.

I fell bloodied from beating my head against the glass ceilings and walls, and I’m cut to virtual ribbons from the sharp implements of reality surrounding me. Like the fact that I chose a dying profession. Like the fact that hard work and talent don’t amount to much. Like the fact that people who think out of the box often get kicked out of it – and maybe the building too.

And I know I have to change something, but I don’t know what.

And even if I do go back to school, I don’t know where the classrooms are…or what time class starts…or what day of the week classes are held. How am I ever going to get there? Stupid dreams.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. June 8, 2010 9:19 pm

    I'm a big big big believer that if it's meant to be, it just sort of happens on its own. Not that you can sit around the house and expect something to just happen to you, but rather, if you were really really really destined to go to Grad school, you wouldn't even have to make yourself do it. Sorta like this blog. Some call writing work, but yet, here you are, doing work… or is it really work?

    Like

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