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A Word for Me

July 12, 2010

A few months ago a friend of mine suggested that I try out the website because it’s free and it’s huge and the guys on there aren’t as creepy as the fellas she has met on other sites (like Zoosk).

So, a few weeks ago I made myself a profile on POF. It was all the standard stuff like marital status and whether I smoke or not, and I didn’t have a very hard time filling the thing out – until I got to the religion question. As some of you know, lately I’ve been having what might be considered a bit of a spiritual crisis. Others might consider it spiritual enlightenment. (I’m rooting for the latter, myself.)

The thing is, there isn’t an easy way to explain it – which is why I still haven’t explained it to my mother or my former pastor – and it sure wasn’t one of the choices on POF. In fact, I don’t think there is even one word that can explain it. Not one word that everyone can instantly understand anyway. You know, like Baptist … or Lutheran … or even Agnostic. Some might use the words like consciousness or awareness or spiritual, but those are so vague really. They can mean so many different, huge things.

Besides, I just don’t think one word can sum it up any more. And, honestly, I’m sort of afraid to explain it to anyone.

I suspect a lot of people will think I’m crazy. A lot of people will think I’m heretical and even more will think I’m just stupid. So, that’s also part of why I’ve been keeping this a bit of a secret.

I guess still consider myself a Christian. At least I want my mom to consider me Christian (mostly because I don’t want her witnessing to me at family gatherings). But I’m also kind of offended by that title nowadays. And I’m offended by all of the things that come with that title, so I don’t really want to claim it anymore – not in most situations. And, I guess I’m not just Christian anymore.

The truth is, there’s some Buddhism and New Age stuff thrown in there too. Definitely some mysticism, psychology and what my old Wesleyan pastors might call the “prosperity gospel” as well. And, even though it was a choice on POF, I can’t say that I’m “not religious” – partially because I believe everyone is religious about something, and the people who say they aren’t religious just don’t know the definition of the word.

Anyway, a guy on POF (who listed himself as “not religious”) asked me about it today and I didn’t even know what to tell him. I just typed up something quickly. It was a hard thing to deal with because, ultimately, I want my life partner to be on a spiritual path too – and a path that is similar to mine. But if I can’t explain it, how will I ever figure out if we’re in the same place spiritually?

Not that that was all that easy to figure out when I was still officially a Christian, anyway.

So, now I’m wondering how many of my friends from my private Christian college almost fainted while reading this. I wonder how many were nodding in agreement and are now in a similar place spiritually. I’m also wondering how many of them are planning on witnessing to me the next time we interact. Those of you in the final category, let me save you some time and worry on this one – please don’t “witness” to me. I want to figure this stuff out for myself.

And, please, don’t worry. I’m looking for God; I promise I’ll find Him. It just might not be the way you think I should or in the same place you find Him.

And, of course, I’m still wondering what word to use to describe where I am spiritually.

I guess, confused.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. David C permalink
    July 12, 2010 9:56 pm

    If God casts an atheist in the pits of hell for not believing in him, he’s not a God I would care to spend time with.

    However, I still consider myself Christian. …but strip away Leviticus. Strip away the mores against homosexuality when I know it’s not a choice. Strip away the misogyny. Either we’re left with nothing, or we’re left with the core deed of a guy who lived a life of poverty and died for our sins.

    …and that’s damn near Buddhism if I’ve ever heard it.


  2. Todd VDW permalink
    July 13, 2010 6:28 pm

    Crystal: You might find this Web site as fun as I did. It’s a great humor blog about all of the things built up around Christian culture that have basically nothing to do with Christianity itself, yet are treated AS Christianity.


    • July 13, 2010 6:44 pm

      I can’t wait to take a look! I have a feeling I will agree with a lot of it. And hey, thank you for reading my former ed-in-cheif!


  3. Brandy permalink
    July 13, 2010 7:20 pm

    Funny I find myself on the same path Crystal – the book The Shack was really an interesting look at the role of god in our lives. We read it for bookclub and had mixed review but i enjoyed it.


    • July 13, 2010 8:06 pm

      We’re kindred — i know it! 😉


    • July 13, 2010 8:09 pm

      People keep telling me I need to read that one. If you haven;t read it yet you should read “Eat, Pray, Love.” It’s great. i wish I had written it!


  4. July 14, 2010 11:14 pm

    It’s ok to say you are a “Seeker”.


    • July 15, 2010 8:24 am

      I’m cool with that word — I guess the crux of the issue really is the fact that the word Christian doesn’t fit too well anymore.


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