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Lazy Losers, Liars and Letches…the Beauty of Dating Online

July 21, 2010

So, I’m starting to think that maybe I just don’t have the patience or the temperament for dating sites. Now, I can set up my profile pretty easily. I do pretty well at filling out the personality profile and taking psychological test to determine chemistry, etc. And I sure don’t have a hard time talking about myself for the most part.

In fact, for me it is actually a bit of a test to stop before the profile is too long and overwhelming. I know, you’re shocked by this information, but it’s true.

The harder part about dealing with dating sites is knowing how to deal with the men who respond.

What am I supposed to do when a guy sends me a message that says: “how you doin?”

Like he’s starting a conversation in person. I mean this is okay for an IM or a text message if it is to someone you already know, but as a first e-mail to someone you have never met? Well, I’ll come right out and say it – It’s just lazy. What’s almost as bad is when the first e-mail is only one sentence and there is nothing in it to respond to.

Seriously? That’s all you got? One sentence. I can see this is going to be a deep and desperately fulfilling relationship.

Wait, Crystal, don’t be judgmental. Maybe he’s a great guy. At least respond in kind — you can write one sentence. See what happens.

So I go to the fella’s page for some idea of how to respond and what do I find? His profile is about 4 sentences long and the sentences are: “I’m not too good at this. I don’t know what to say. If you want to know something, just ask me. I’ll respond.”

So now I’m thinking, “I have a question for you: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

Yes, I’m frustrated because this actually happens daily. I have a hard time not getting snarky in response.

Okay you caught me — I do get snarky.

Last night I actually told a guy that he didn’t have enough information in his profile for me to bother talking to him. His feelings were hurt. Which does bother me because I wasn’t trying to be mean. But if he’s going to be that lazy about something that is pretty easy, I really don’t want to bother with him.

The next time I get a first e-mail from a guy that says, “how are you?” I might e-mail him back and say, “I’m amazing and you must have brain-damage to only put three words in an e-mail. Lazy-ass”

And then there are the losers. I hate to use that term, but I really have no better way to explain this group. Most of the lengthier first-contact e-mails I get are from men who have clearly not read what I’m looking for and must have just e-mailed me based on my photo (which I just realized is about 5 years old).

I eventually just saved one of my responses to one these inappropriate fellas and started to recycle it because I was getting so may e-mails from these “losers” that I can just copy, paste and tweak it a little — and amazingly it basically applies. Here’s the standard:

Hello (insert random guy‘s name here),

Thank you for contacting me, but I‘m not sure if you read my profile. You are my father’s age, divorced, have children, didn’t go to college and you smoke. You are not what I’m looking for.

I am young, I have never been married I have no children and I am currently working toward going to graduate school. I also try not to kiss men who smoke.

I’m not interested in you.

I do not see how we could in any way be a good match. I’m looking for a never-married man with no children who has at least gone to some college and who doesn‘t smoke. I’m looking for my equal.

Good luck in your search. You may want to look for a lady who is more like you and you will have more luck. There are a lot of women out there who have similar life experiences to you who are looking for a guy just like you. A divorced woman your age, with kids who smokes and never went to college will probably be eager to get to know you. You seem nice enough.

Good luck in your search for a new woman. There are a lot of ladies out there and I think it should be easy to find one more like yourself.

It’s kind of harsh, I know. And don’t get me wrong. I don’t have some enormous, qualifying checklist of things that a man has to live up to in order to date me.

I have a few things that are deal-breakers just like anyone else does. And I have a few “don’ts” on my wish list that won’t completely disqualify a man. For example I have dated a smoker. I have dated a divorcee. I have dated a man with a child. But it’s one thing to have one or two of the “don’ts” and it’s quite another thing to have managed to get them all.

And a lot of these fellas seem to have all the “don’ts” on my list. I’m thinking three might be good strike out gague there.

Then there are the liars. Guys with photos of themselves from high school who aren’t in high school anymore (I know, I need to put up a new photo) or guys that you start talking to who begin to betray that they aren’t divorced yet. I’ve even run across men listed as ‘single’ who are still married and currently going through their divorce — one of these guys was actually still living with his soon-to-be ex.

Imagine dating that fella. What if the wife had the car for the night and you had to go get him for your date?!

One fella that I politely declined talking to actually changed his profile to say that he had never been married, had no kids and didn’t smoke and then he e-mailed me again!

The most disturbing for me are the men who are just sort of icky. This one is hard to define, but I can give a few examples. How about the guys out there with tons of photos of themselves without their shirts on. Gross.

Or how about the letchy old men who are my dad’s age?

I’ve started e-mailing them back with a “Gross. You’re my father’s age. Try dating someone born within the same decade as you!”

Again, I realize that’s not too nice.

So, I’m not being nice. I made a guy mad last night because he was teasing me about the original Batmobile not being a very high-performance machine. It just degenerated from there and ended with him saying he was joking and I should learn to take a joke and me telling him that I knew he was joking — but it wasn’t funny.

Yeah, I might have hone my online dating skills — it’s clear that currently I don’t have the patience for it.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. Kris permalink
    July 21, 2010 4:13 pm

    HAHA . . . I love this because it is 100% true and I wish I had the guts to say those things! LOL

    Like

  2. David C permalink
    July 21, 2010 11:03 pm

    You’ve just made the best case for grad school that I’ve ever heard.

    Like

  3. July 22, 2010 2:41 pm

    This is hilarious and right on. You should check out this post on my blog (and I don’t say this self-promotionally, I really think I’m having similar experiences to you with online dating and thought you might like to read!). http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2010/07/19/plenty-of-fish-roundup/

    May I borrow your form letter? 🙂

    Like

  4. Janet permalink
    July 26, 2010 10:29 pm

    You mean like the guy I went out with from the Plenty of Fish website and it turned out that the phone calls he was getting all through dinner were from 2 of his 4 kids he forgot to mention? Or the other 2 phone calls from his ex wife screaming on the phone about the house in CO being in foreclosure? And the way he mentioned that he was a very prominent businessman in Pueblo, but when the economy tanked he stopped paying his mortgage because he was making payments on his Hummer??? Yeah…

    Oh and 5’10???? I had flats on and was still TALLER than you; stupid liar.

    Like

  5. Daniel permalink
    July 30, 2010 6:07 pm

    Sadly, this post made me laugh. 😉

    Like

    • July 30, 2010 8:08 pm

      That’s why I posted it — I hoped the that the laughter of others would redeemthe situation.

      Like

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