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Looking for God

July 27, 2010

How are you searching for God? Asked the man with the online persona of  Cole.

I didn’t answer him fully. That’s right, I gave him a bit of a spin. But I think he needs to show me his before I show him mine. Especially since there is already so much laid out on my blog. So, I directed the question back at him. He hasn’t answered me yet.

I’m also a little nervous about answering him because I’ve read his blog — he’s smart. Like crazy smart. And I know what some of you are thinking, “You’re smart too, Crystal.” And that’s true. And I’m secure in my intelligence for the most part. However, when I know someone else might be assessing my intellect I get a little less secure.

I mean there is always a chance that this guy is smarter than me. And, in this case, I think it’s a pretty big chance.

How am I searching for God? Huh…

Well, how does anyone look for God? Where can a person in modern America look for something eternal among all the disposable items? And even if a person does find something eternal and infinite and ever-present how is one to relate to it?




But what does that look like? Does it have to look like Christianity? Being a church-goer, a Bible-reader? Singing the traditional psalms and praying “in the name of Jesus?”

What if Melissa Etheridge wrote my psalms — the ones that make me feel close to God, to life, to truth?

What if “Much Ado About Nothing” and “Romeo and Juliet” are my sacred text — the words that sound like God to me?

What if dancing sexy in my underwear is what makes me feel like God is watching?

What if praying “in the name of Crystal” makes me feel heard?

Where are you searching for God?

I guess the basic answer is: lately I’ve been looking in new places. All the places I refused to, or were afraid to, look before. And, the truth is, I’ve been finding God almost everywhere I look.

I’m adopting a bigger view of God — one that doesn’t include a male pronoun. One that is too big to treat like a person, like a peer.God is in the wind. God is in my lunch. God is in the annoying woman I work with. God is in me. And, honestly, since I have started looking inward to find, see and hear God, I’ve realized that I am one of the easiest places for me to find “Him.”

I am.

I am that.

I am that I am.

I am that, I am.

I’m also reading things other than the Bible and considering whether they feel true rather than immediately dismissing them because they aren’t a part of the accepted cannon. Rent is sacred — and you felt it when you heard it. Les Mis is from God. The message might not be clear, but is speaks to the parts of God that are inside of you when you see it. High art, ultimate truth, sacred messages.

I’ve also been praying…but in a different way. I guess you cold call it meditating. Going within to the part of me that God put uniquely inside of me and learning how those things need to come out into the world. Finding an inner voice — the Holy Spirit if you must — and realizing that the holy spirit is me. And it’s what makes me different than you, but somehow it’s also what connects me to you and makes us one.

One with each other and one with the Universe — with God — with the creative and created energy that flows through it all. The potentially destructive energy inside all of us.


The Force.

The Flow.

The great flow that can carry us if we let it and knock us down if we resist it. God, the Universe, the Holy Spirit, Love, Ultimate Truth, Great Art, Sacred Texts…and me.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. July 27, 2010 5:19 pm

    I wish I could make that praise into a reality and use it to instantly make me better at Greek, but as things stand the professor has thoughtfully loaded the class down with work. I can promise to have some thoughts down for you by Thursday afternoon.


  2. Molly permalink
    August 1, 2010 12:31 pm

    A subject that is hard to articulate, but you have very eloquently captured what’s in your heart. I’d say this is one of your best.


    • August 1, 2010 12:59 pm

      Thank you so much! I wonder how much background about myself I would have to give to encapsulated thisinto something that could stand alone — like for a literary Journal or grad school submission.


  3. August 3, 2010 7:34 pm

    Loved this post! I actually had a variation of this conversation with some girlfriends two weekends ago about feeling far from my roots. I didn’t even know this was bothering me until I spoke the words out loud. But after 13 years in a Catholic school, I’m struggling with the guilt that was hardwired into my head about not wanting to go to church on Sundays. And moreover, I’m struggling to find a way to instill my and my husband’s hybrid brand of spirituality and faith into our young children. A quest I’m just starting on… Thanks for your thoughts on this. Great blog.


    • August 4, 2010 8:13 am

      I’d love to hear more about your attempts to instill your hybrid faith in your kids. If you get the time, please let me know how it goes!


  4. halloftyrannus permalink
    August 13, 2010 11:40 am

    hope this link helps a bit …..

    And dear lady ….why did you take up youth ministry? It’s good that you left it.


    • August 13, 2010 12:32 pm

      I like the link — thanks. I feel (again) like I must say, I haven’t lost God. I haven’t lost site of Jesus (even as a messiah). I’m just not finding God or redemption where everyone said I would.


      • halloftyrannus permalink
        August 13, 2010 3:51 pm

        I am from India….when you talk about numerology(in other post) or psychic readings(@ a church) it’s very familiar to me. You may know tarrot cards.but have you heard about parrot cards ? we even have that in India. All those things may look fascinating and even sound great.But these come under the category of superstition or worse -occultic.Indian society has it’s problems because of these many superstitions. The breakthrough in India came through the Gospel of Jesus , when many missionaries left their comforts and came to a very uncomfortable place , started schools , colleges , universities AND HOSPITALS brought about many social reform and paved the way for the many intellectuals who came out of it.For more on that you can check out Your leap into the newage stuff is a leap into the darkness , which kept people in great bondage for centuries.

        Dear friend , you cannot find God by yourself. We can only search. We can ask and we can knock and keep doing it.You will know him only when He reveals himself to you.
        I may want to know you , but if u choose not let me know you ,i will never know you. I may know about you by reading the author page in your blog but that is not equal to knowing you or having a relationship with you. In the same way, knowing about Jesus(READING BIBLE/LITERATURE) is different from knowing Jesus or having a relationship with him.
        I am also a member of the methodist church in India , i am very much weslyan and so i like you to consider wesley himself. How he went even as a missionary to the colonies without having any assurance and after he came back he had a life changing experience at aldersgate street in england and was transformed and became a catalyst for revival.
        Another link may also help you.

        I do sympathize with you that you did not God where everyone said you would. That was blind leading the blind. “Narrow is the way , that leads to life and only a few find it”- Jesus.So i pray and believe that Jesus , the only saviour will find you and launch you into that narrow way.
        Lastly i would like to know what you mean by the word “redemption”?

        i would like you to visit this link and have a discussion ,ask your questions and take some help if necessary. God may use him to help you.


        • August 13, 2010 4:14 pm

          Thank you for your concern…but I have already considered all of the things you have mentioned. I used to be Wesleyan and even served as a pastor for a time. And the places you have mentioned are the places I already looked (where everyone said I should) and found nothing.


  5. August 13, 2010 9:14 pm

    Great post CrystalSpins! I can certainly feel you as I too left Christianity. For a long time I was follower in the church, I thought that I was seperate from God(Spirit). For many years I attended church and listened to message after message and still left unfilled & still confused.

    Many things I questioned could never be answered. I had a desire to know God on a deeper level but all the brainwashing kept me stuck on stupid for a long time. I became more & more aware of things around me & conscious of things that were happening in my life. One day I asked out loud, “God what do they know that I don’t know?” As the saying goes, “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” The teacher appeared and I have never been the same! All the questions I had, were answered in books, people crossing my path, dreams, stubbled upon a website, etc.

    Most Christians have a tendency to judge people who are bold enough to stand up for what they believe within themselves. No one has the right to judge you – you must be true to your own self! Everyone wants to follow the crowd instead of follow their own intuition. So keep on keeping on my dear & go within and your light will continue to shine brighter & brighter.

    Peace & blessings to you!


    • August 14, 2010 3:56 pm

      Thank you for the support. Your story sounds like mine. I have some teachers now that I am ready too.


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