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Dinner for One, Please!

August 25, 2010


Lately, I’ve been eating a lot of meals alone. I’ve been going to movies alone. I’ve been hanging out at home alone…and you know what? I really enjoy it. I’m alone at Perkins right now.

In fact, last week a friend wanted me to hang out and I cancelled because of work. But once work was done, I realized that I would rather go to dinner alone than to call up my friend for company. So I did. Dinner all alone when I could have gone to dinner with someone else., and I had a great time.

Surprised? I know, I was surprised too. 

I mean it’s not like I don’t eat alone all the time and I definitely go out alone a lot, but to prefer it over dinner with a pal — it’s pretty big paradigm shift. In May 2009, after I broke up with a guy that I had thought I might marry, I was pretty determined to find someone. I distinctly remember the conversation I had with my counselor about it. 

“It’s the one life goal that people treat you badly for actively trying to accomplish. If you want to be a banker when you grow up, you got to college and study finance. If you want to lose weight you join a gym. But if you want to get married, what do you do? Well, whatever you decide to do people will treat you like you are desperate for trying to do it — at least if you are a girl they will.” 

Well that convo led to my efforts to “call in the one” and wound up calling in Blake — not an all bad situation. Although I was scared to death at the prospect of dating again until recently. 

Right now I’m enjoying not being paired up. And, I’m starting to feel like maybe I’d rather be alone. I maybe even feel like I should be single right now. It’s strange to realize this because my entire life I have wanted to be in love. To have someone really see who I am and adore me. And of course, to have someone who allows me to adore them. 

But something has shifted. I don’t know if it’s because I’m actually loving myself more (thanks in part to the calling in the one efforts), or if maybe the Universe is just letting me know that it isn’t going to happen for a while or what. But I just don’t have that underlying desire to be paired up anymore — or I should say, at the moment. 

Don’t get me wrong. I still get lonely. But it’s usually just for a little while — maybe a day. And then the moment has passed. Heck, I still get horny (more often than I get lonely, in fact). But the moment passes. I don’t want to be paired up like I used to. I don’t daydream about being in love. I don’t see romantic comedies and wish I were the girl in the story who is falling in love. 

So, something has changed. I don’t what. What’s more, I wonder if this will be a permanent feeling, or if my desire to be in a duo will be back someday. 

Or maybe now that I don’t have an active desire to be in a partnership, I’m finally ready to be someone’s partner. Interesting twist, eh? Or maybe not wanting to be paired up will make me more capable of holding out for an incredible partnership — instead of falling for a guy like Blake. 

See, now that I feel this way it is going to take something incredible to convince me that it is worth my time to be someone’s girlfriend again. I’m good solo. (At least, today I am.) 

Maybe the practical part of my brain has just taken over and convinced the rest of me that I don’t really want to be paired up. There really are a lot of practical reasons for me to stay single right now. I mean if everything goes right I’ll be leaving town in a year to go to grad school. And, in the meantime I might not have time for a man. I’m starting to feel the pinch — the looming deadlines of applying for grad schools and I still haven’t taken the GRE. (I have a date set for this on my personal timeline, don’t worry.) 

Of course, I have a full-time job too. And beyond that, honestly it is a lot of work to keep up on my blog. I mean it is HARD to post daily. 

I know I don’t technically post daily — stop picking on me. 

This major paradigm shift also leads me to wonder — is everyone supposed to get married? I mean what if this feeling of wanting to be alone stays indefinitely? I feel pretty fulfilled right. As fulfilled as I have ever felt in a relationship for the most part. Maybe this is just the Universe’s way of showing me that single is just as good as paired up. 

Maybe I’m just thinking like this because I’ve been working so much overtime and I‘m out of energy. It really is daunting and it sucks so much out of me. 

On Saturday night the pancake man realized that me going to grad school meant me moving away and immediately he asked what that would mean for my dating life. I told him I was considering a dating moratorium. 

“Our date wasn’t that bad was it?” 

No, on the contrary it was pretty good, and I do want to see him again. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m very content right now and maybe you only get so much energy. Maybe I don’t have enough to keep myself sane, complete my job, work on my blog and get ready for grad school. 

It really isn’t too practical to date when you are planning on leaving town in a year. Which I am. I’m going to have to work my butt off over the next four months in order to get grad school applications in and after that I’ll have more time. But by then I’ll only have 9 months left in RCSD. 

It’s poser for sure. 

But It’s good to realize how happy I am just to have what I have and to be striving for the goals I currently have — even if I am doing it all alone.

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34 Comments leave one →
  1. Brianne permalink
    August 25, 2010 1:45 pm

    Welcome to the life of the NYC gal. At least this NYC gal. I’ve spent a lot of my 8+ years alone at restaurants, parks, movies, you name it. You’re right, it’s not all that bad.

    Like

  2. August 25, 2010 2:12 pm

    There is nothing wrong with being alone. I suspect that you are an introvert. As for being horny, you don’t have to worry about someone else not satisfying your needs because I am quite sure that every time that you masturbate you are satisfied.

    I myself, miss sleeping with someone whether we have sex or not. I just sleep better cuddling with someone. I love companionship and am happier in a good relationship but have spent time alone and it is okay.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

    Like

    • August 25, 2010 2:13 pm

      Actually, I think I am quite extroverted — and I suspect the people who know me personally can back this up. But maybe I’m becoming more introverted in my old age.

      Like

  3. August 25, 2010 3:37 pm

    I think going to the cinema alone can be great. I’ve previously set myself the challenge of how many movies I could see at the cinema in one day – my record is eight!

    Like

  4. August 25, 2010 3:49 pm

    This is interesting because this is how I feel these days….nothing personal to my friends when I don’t feel like going out….but it’s just how I feel…and I don’t feel bad for it either! I’m glad you don’t feel bad either! It could be any of the things that you have mentioned as to why you feel this way…and sometimes we get so caught up in being busy and successful that we forget to ‘date ourselves.’ I went to the movies last week by myself (which is something I do often along with dinner) and someone asked me if I was sad! WTHeck!?! I can live in my own skin without feeling like I have to have someone there all the time! I actually think that it is cool to do things on my own, because I love being able to get up and just go and not worry about if the other person is having a good time.LOL….selfish I know….but continue to focus on you and YOUR goals and I’m SURE that lucky guy will see that you are a great, determined, goal-oriented woman! 🙂

    http://www.happinesswhatsittoyou.wordpress.com

    Like

  5. August 25, 2010 5:10 pm

    The concept of being alone can be regardless of whether you are with people or not. You could be surrounded by friends and still feel alone. You could be alone and feel happy. Personally I feel like having a glass of wine! 🙂

    Like

  6. August 25, 2010 7:03 pm

    I think that we are taught to be too dependent on the company and emotions of others; its great to break out of that every once in a while and truly feel your own feelings and settle your thoughts in your head without interruption.

    Kudos.

    Like

  7. interracial1 permalink
    August 25, 2010 7:43 pm

    Informative this has helped me with my own niche dating site so thanks for blogs like this keep them coming we are all alone at some point so join a community and find new and vibrant friends

    Like

  8. dave c permalink
    August 25, 2010 8:06 pm

    Crystal happy: Yay!

    Not living vicariously through single friends: Boo.

    😀

    Like

  9. August 25, 2010 8:09 pm

    I love this post. It’s my favourite thing you’ve written here.

    I really like this: “it is going to take something incredible to convince me that it is worth my time to be someone’s girlfriend again.”

    Excellent! Hold out for incredible! Being able to enjoy your own company is such a gift because it frees you from the need to settle for anything less that what’s exactly right. I’m so happy for you right now.

    Like

  10. August 25, 2010 9:45 pm

    I really liked this post. I think it’s downright healthy how happy you are with yourself and by yourself. I wish I could be a bit more like you, in that sense. Part of the reason I like dating so much is that I have a companion, someone to get to know, and frankly. someone to take my mind off of some of the leftover grief from my last relationship.

    On another note, how in the world do you even watch/enjoy romantic comedies without daydreaming that you are the lead character?! 🙂

    Like

    • August 26, 2010 4:41 pm

      I guess I don’t enjoy them all that much lately. Some are good stories that are well-written (like Moonstruck), the rest…not so much.

      Like

  11. August 25, 2010 11:41 pm

    I think your lack of desire to be with someone right now has to do with the kind of men you date. If you were dating Christians you would see a real foundation for planning a life, but right now all you’re getting are users who just want to play with your body for a while. And you’re thinking, who needs that? You’re right, you don’t.

    This is an article about someone you might want to get paired up with though, don’t waste this opportunity, pay close attention:

    http://www.leaderu.com/truth/1truth22.html

    Take good care. 🙂

    Like

    • August 26, 2010 8:06 am

      Note to everyone: Please don’t witness to me on my blog. I appreciate your opinions, but as far as the evangelism goes don’t bother. I used to be a youth pastor — I’ve already heard all the stuff you have to say and decided it isn’t the only thing worth believing. God is big enough that those who look will find him, and I assure you I am looking.

      And to you disembodied mind person: up until recently in my life I have ONLY dated Christian men and many of them were the laziest, most misogynistic and abusive men I have ever met — especially abusive I might add, when it comes to sex and sexuality.

      I promise you, I’m doing great. I don’t need your help.

      Like

      • August 26, 2010 5:01 pm

        I’m sorry to hear that you had such negative experiences, but I would point out that if these men were abusive in general, and abusive sexually in particular, they were not Christians. The Bible says sex before marriage is a sin (fornication), so if these men were Christians they would not even have been having sex with you at all while you were dating. If they were Christians, they wouldn’t have been abusive in general either. I recommend finding a real Christian, as 1 John 2:4-6 says:

        4 He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.
        5 But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him.
        6 He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked.

        One last thing, you said, “I’ve already heard all the stuff you have to say.” I’m sure you’re very familiar with the Bible, but you may not be aware of the reasons offered in support of the Bible’s truth, because most Churches don’t put in the effort to teach them to people. I’ll share three fundamentals with you from science, philosophy, and history:

        Science:
        http://www.answersingenesis.org/articles/nab/is-there-really-a-god

        Philosophy:
        http://minddisembodied.blogspot.com/2010/08/problems-for-unbelieving-worldviews-dr.html

        History:
        http://www.leaderu.com/truth/1truth22.html

        I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time with false Christians, I hope these are helpful, take good care of yourself. Jesus loves you, even if they didn’t.

        Like

        • August 26, 2010 5:22 pm

          Please STOP.

          First of all, a person (or a whole group of people) can be sexually abusive without having sex with you. In fact the church I grew up in was certainly sexually abusive and no one laid a finger on me. Beyond that I think Cosmo has done a number on a lot of people as well.

          I respect your religious choices and I appreciate you trying to “save” me by pointing me toward the straight and narrow. But please don’t. I’m already as saved as a person can be. I’m straight. I’m narrow.

          Furthermore, I don’t know a single person who doesn’t commit what you would call sins. I don’t know any Christians who don’t and and I doubt that you are perfect and therefore keeping all the father’s commandments. Does that mean that you aren’t really a Christian? Following the logic you brought up on your last comment that would be a logical end point. In fact, I can’t date Christians then because I’ve never really met one.

          Here’s where you bring up grace, right? Again, I am personally all stocked up.

          Forgiven, sanctified, washed in the blood — whatever you want to call it. I’m good.

          As far as the information besides the Bible that supports Christianity, I used to be a pastor. I’m very certain that my ministry classes covered it.

          And as far as the love of Christ I don’t have much to say about it. I’m thankful. And I love me…even if they didn’t.

          Like

    • August 26, 2010 4:42 pm

      P.S. I never mentioned whether the men I am currently dating are Christians or not.

      Like

  12. August 26, 2010 8:41 am

    Yay, another awesome blog! I love hunting and finding little gems of blogs!

    Like

    • August 26, 2010 8:41 am

      I’m glad you found mine! And I’m glad you liked it — Crystal is a gem! He he he…

      Like

  13. August 26, 2010 11:33 am

    Hi Crystal – your blog really resonates with me. Especially the line: people will treat you like you are desperate for trying to do it — at least if you are a girl they will. I’ve been single for the last 4 years and enjoy dating and having fun but am holding out for someone super special. Nothing to be ashamed of!

    http://www.notcomplicated.wordpress.com

    Like

    • August 26, 2010 2:16 pm

      I took a loot at your blog — I LOVE the premise. Bad decisions do, indeed, make for good stories. I look forward to reading them!

      Like

  14. Ghetto_Philosopher permalink
    August 26, 2010 4:40 pm

    I feel you on this blog and it is another well written post. I can definitely relate to this as I decided to be single for a while after my last long relationship. It was an amazing time of self discovery that blew my mind. Knowing myself, I liked myself in a healthy way and continued to work on what I needed to work on. It was a good experience.

    Like

  15. August 26, 2010 4:48 pm

    I’m so glad I tripped over your blog. Out of all of the ‘maybe’s’ you gave- the one I related to most was:

    “Or maybe now that I don’t have an active desire to be in a partnership, I’m finally ready to be someone’s partner. Interesting twist, eh? Or maybe not wanting to be paired up will make me more capable of holding out for an incredible partnership — instead of falling for a guy like Blake.”

    that’s how it happened for me anyway.

    thanks for a good read.

    Like

  16. August 26, 2010 11:17 pm

    I can totally relate, Crystal! I remember being exactly there and having that same realization…that I was enjoying being single and didn’t care about meeting a guy. Suddenly I became irresistible to guys and I couldn’t care less.

    Shortly after that I met Him. And suddenly we were Us. And it came out of the clear blue when I quit caring.

    Enjoy your ‘me’ time!

    I really enjoyed this and I’m glad I came across your blog.

    Kittie

    Like

  17. August 27, 2010 1:02 am

    Good for you! Loving yourself and being content is more joy and life than most people ever experience. I found a great guy after I found myself and spent a year and half alone. Enjoy it!

    Like

  18. August 27, 2010 8:54 am

    Lately I found myself wanting to spend more time with myself than other people. I feel like how else am I going to appreciate and learn to love myself? And if I can do that, then some time in the future maybe someone else can, too. But if not, well at least for the most part I’ll have learned how not to feel so lonely.

    Like

  19. August 27, 2010 12:24 pm

    I just drove solo cross country for four weeks. It was really relaxing. Sometimes it’s good to be out there alone, it gives you time to think. Fortunately I usually get along with myself and don’t argue too much.

    Here are some posts from the trip: http://www.middleofthefreakinroad.com

    Like

  20. August 27, 2010 8:01 pm

    Ummmm…. you had me a paradigm shift! Can we just date? Please? Because well, I have a behavior psych degree and I might just be overly excited that you used that term… correctly!!!! I adore paradigm shifts, they can be hard to recognize and even hard to actually go with.

    Like

  21. Becky permalink
    August 29, 2010 5:28 am

    WOW I can’t believe you GOOD FOR YOU GIRL I know we don’t know each other at all but I’m so proud of you. I think all women should know themselves before attempting to become one with someone else the result ( @ least in my own humble opinion) will be better. How can you stand as one with another person if your still trying to figure out who what where you are. It is soooooo important to figure you out before you figure out us.

    Well not trying to freak you out but I’d love to get to know you better, I think we could become great friends. I live in Pefferlaw Ontario it’s about an hour north/east of Toronto. I live with my common law husband and his 16 year old son. I work in the automotive industry which I’m desperatley trying to get out of, so I am taking a FREE self taught Web Design.

    I enjoy books like The Celestine Prophesy, books about the exchange of energy, positive thinking and I love yoga anyways From reading your blog I really believe we could be great friends so that’s enough about me I really hope to here from you. Until then

    Like

  22. Lindsay permalink
    September 6, 2010 6:19 pm

    I could’ve written this myself. In my recent singledom, I am finally enjoying being alone for once in my life. I”m 30 now. I can’t figure out if I’m FINALLY comfortable in my own skin or what, but I’ve finally reached a point where I’m not desperate to find a partner.

    I really was nodding my head throughout this whole entry. Kudos and hello from one kindred spirit to another!

    Like

  23. Terri permalink
    November 8, 2010 7:36 pm

    Good for you! I’m staying single though. I don’t need or want anyone. There is nothing more better than being alone. I actually enjoy my own company better.

    Like

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