Dinner for One, Please!
In fact, last week a friend wanted me to hang out and I cancelled because of work. But once work was done, I realized that I would rather go to dinner alone than to call up my friend for company. So I did. Dinner all alone when I could have gone to dinner with someone else., and I had a great time.
Surprised? I know, I was surprised too.
I mean it’s not like I don’t eat alone all the time and I definitely go out alone a lot, but to prefer it over dinner with a pal — it’s pretty big paradigm shift. In May 2009, after I broke up with a guy that I had thought I might marry, I was pretty determined to find someone. I distinctly remember the conversation I had with my counselor about it.
“It’s the one life goal that people treat you badly for actively trying to accomplish. If you want to be a banker when you grow up, you got to college and study finance. If you want to lose weight you join a gym. But if you want to get married, what do you do? Well, whatever you decide to do people will treat you like you are desperate for trying to do it — at least if you are a girl they will.”
Well that convo led to my efforts to “call in the one” and wound up calling in Blake — not an all bad situation. Although I was scared to death at the prospect of dating again until recently.
Right now I’m enjoying not being paired up. And, I’m starting to feel like maybe I’d rather be alone. I maybe even feel like I should be single right now. It’s strange to realize this because my entire life I have wanted to be in love. To have someone really see who I am and adore me. And of course, to have someone who allows me to adore them.
But something has shifted. I don’t know if it’s because I’m actually loving myself more (thanks in part to the calling in the one efforts), or if maybe the Universe is just letting me know that it isn’t going to happen for a while or what. But I just don’t have that underlying desire to be paired up anymore — or I should say, at the moment.
Don’t get me wrong. I still get lonely. But it’s usually just for a little while — maybe a day. And then the moment has passed. Heck, I still get horny (more often than I get lonely, in fact). But the moment passes. I don’t want to be paired up like I used to. I don’t daydream about being in love. I don’t see romantic comedies and wish I were the girl in the story who is falling in love.
So, something has changed. I don’t what. What’s more, I wonder if this will be a permanent feeling, or if my desire to be in a duo will be back someday.
Or maybe now that I don’t have an active desire to be in a partnership, I’m finally ready to be someone’s partner. Interesting twist, eh? Or maybe not wanting to be paired up will make me more capable of holding out for an incredible partnership — instead of falling for a guy like Blake.
See, now that I feel this way it is going to take something incredible to convince me that it is worth my time to be someone’s girlfriend again. I’m good solo. (At least, today I am.)
Maybe the practical part of my brain has just taken over and convinced the rest of me that I don’t really want to be paired up. There really are a lot of practical reasons for me to stay single right now. I mean if everything goes right I’ll be leaving town in a year to go to grad school. And, in the meantime I might not have time for a man. I’m starting to feel the pinch — the looming deadlines of applying for grad schools and I still haven’t taken the GRE. (I have a date set for this on my personal timeline, don’t worry.)
Of course, I have a full-time job too. And beyond that, honestly it is a lot of work to keep up on my blog. I mean it is HARD to post daily.
I know I don’t technically post daily — stop picking on me.
This major paradigm shift also leads me to wonder — is everyone supposed to get married? I mean what if this feeling of wanting to be alone stays indefinitely? I feel pretty fulfilled right. As fulfilled as I have ever felt in a relationship for the most part. Maybe this is just the Universe’s way of showing me that single is just as good as paired up.
Maybe I’m just thinking like this because I’ve been working so much overtime and I‘m out of energy. It really is daunting and it sucks so much out of me.
On Saturday night the pancake man realized that me going to grad school meant me moving away and immediately he asked what that would mean for my dating life. I told him I was considering a dating moratorium.
“Our date wasn’t that bad was it?”
No, on the contrary it was pretty good, and I do want to see him again. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m very content right now and maybe you only get so much energy. Maybe I don’t have enough to keep myself sane, complete my job, work on my blog and get ready for grad school.
It really isn’t too practical to date when you are planning on leaving town in a year. Which I am. I’m going to have to work my butt off over the next four months in order to get grad school applications in and after that I’ll have more time. But by then I’ll only have 9 months left in RCSD.
It’s poser for sure.
But It’s good to realize how happy I am just to have what I have and to be striving for the goals I currently have — even if I am doing it all alone.