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Think Happy Thoughts…

September 3, 2010

So today I’m feeling much like I was a few Fridays ago. Harried. And I mean harried at best. And that’s just on the surface. The lower levels of Crystal are full of cranky, angry, sad and tired. Well I guess tired isn’t so bad. And it is actually my fault that I’m tired.

I stayed up too late on the phone. I was talking to Pancake Man. (Who I think I may soon start referring to as Stargazer – more on that in a bit.) After a series of texts last night I made him mad. Or he thought he made me mad. I don’t remember which, but either way he decided to just call me to smooth it out. Or yell at me…I’m not sure which.

There was a little of what I would call yelling. I guess I’m frustrating to text with – especially, I imagine, after 9 p.m. (when I’m sleepy).

He keeps asking me what I want and I keep telling him I don’t know. And he says that’s an okay answer, but I don’t think he likes it very much at all.

Okay, back story time. Ready?

After the Friday night debacle and subsequent frustrations (and blog) Pancake Man was confused. And even though he says he wasn’t mad I think he was. The blog hurt his feelings. Of course, looking back I can see why.

Damn that hindsight constantly mocking my foresight for being weak.

But after I blogged and got it out of my brain and my chest I was feeling way better. Ah the catharsis of release. (Which is why I’m writing right now too I guess – ‘cause I’m in a bad mood about work and a few other things in my life.)

By Monday morning, that cathartic relief – coupled with the fact that my office was empty this week because of a conference for the sales staff – meant I was having a pretty good morning. And then things got weird. One of the customer service girls came back to my desk with an arm full of lilies – stargazers.

She sat them on my desk.

I stared at them like I didn’t know what they were for a minute. When I came to of course I knew who they were from. Of course they were beautiful. Of course it was a sweet gesture.

But the truth is, they made me feel guilty. I wasn’t mad anymore. I had already accepted his apology and I had apology flowers on my desk.

“Damn,” I thought.

I’m not mad. I’m not sulking. I’m not trying to punish him. But I have flowers on my desk so maybe he thinks I am.

“Shit.”

Then I read the card. “I would like to talk and see if we can work this out.”

Of course we can work this out. I’ve worked it out. I feel fine. Or I did until there were flowers on my desk.

“Man, I’m a bitch.” No, I’m not a bitch. He just thinks I am. Wait…no. If he thought that he wouldn’t have sent me flowers. Ah Crap.

“Text him a thank you.” Ahh! My phone’s dead – double crap.

I don’t have time to think about this anyway – I have a ton of work to do. Maybe I can text him after lunch if my phone has been off for a while.

~*~

I turned my phone on late in the afternoon and newly dubbed Stargazer had texted me. He wanted to meet me to talk. He suggested one of his favorite bars and drinks.

Well, I had plans for the evening…and I was scared to see him. I knew he would want some answers from me and I didn’t have any. I also knew he might be mad at me even though he said he wasn’t. So, I suggested he call me.

He did. But he didn’t want to talk then and suggested we meet up the next night.

After that my guts were churning all evening because his tone was very terse and the whole thing was so ominous. “This is a conversation I’d like to have in person.”

“Well shit.”

I figured I should decide what to say and what I wanted out of the whole relationship so that I would be ready when I saw him. I whimpered to my mom. I asked dad for insight on men. He doesn’t have much of that oddly, but he did say maybe I should give the guy a chance since he got me flowers.

I e-mailed my adopted big-bro and he was great. But it didn’t give much by way of answers. I hate when I have to figure things out on my own. In fact I get anxious when I have to figure things out on my own. I so suck at decisions.

So, I was anxious about it all the way up until the time came – as it turns out for good reason.

He looked mad when I got there. He said he wasn’t mad, but he looked really mad. (I suddenly realized my last blog might not have been well-timed.) I let him start. Actually, I kind of made him start. He had decided we shouldn’t see each other anymore.

And I was thinking, “What’s the deal with the flowers then?”

He went on. There was a lot. And it was too personal to include in a public blog but it mostly made me feel bad. (And it reinforced the idea that my last blog was poorly timed. He thought it was all about him and had taken it very personal despite the general terms it had been written in.)

The sum of our interactions over the past few days had confused and upset him – to say the least. And I’m not too surprised by that I guess. I’m confused so I’m behaving in a confusing way.

I was right. I should have figured out what I wanted before seeing him.

“This is going to be painful,” I thought. So I prepared myself for him to let me have it. If he wanted the short Crystal chapter of his life closed I was going to help him get as much closure as possible. I figured if he got to say everything he wanted to say and I could help him feel like I heard it, and if I was careful to answer all of his questions as to the best of my ability that would be the best way to deal with it.

So I listened. All the build up to the moment actually threw me into a bit of shock. (Kind of like when Daniel broke up with me. I just sat there stunned, not really thinking much.)

So it was painful. But that’s not all it was. As we both spoke (mostly him) things changed. He didn’t want me to leave the bar after he’d had his say. I stayed. He offered to buy me dinner. We ate. We talked. It was…nice.

He walked me to my car and asked me if he was going to be hearing from me anymore. I was easily more confused than I had been at the beginning of the night. Then we kissed. Well, he kissed me, but I kissed him back.

It was a very interesting twist.

And now I’m a little twisted up. I think he is too. Plus, I still don’t know what I want, and he doesn’t really either.

But this is a lot of drama to have at the beginning of something (which I am willing to take at least partial responsibility for) and that’s unnerving. But I guess I will just deal with it in the same way that I plan to deal with the rest of my stressful day – by thinking happy thoughts.

(P.S. I hope this post doesn’t upset Stargazer too – honestly I’m pretty sure he already know everything in this post. Even if it does upset him somehow, I figured at the very least he should get public credit for sending me flowers.)

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 3, 2010 3:22 pm

    While reading most of your post I was thinking of sympathetic things to write, but that’s quite a twist at the end as you say! I hope it works out well for you whichever way it goes.

    Like

  2. September 3, 2010 7:26 pm

    “I hate when I have to figure things out on my own.” Oh I feel you!

    Like

  3. September 4, 2010 6:18 pm

    I came by to comment on your fingernail post but when I saw this post’s title I wanted to invite you to come read my guest bloggers post today. If you do, please leave a comment for her.

    Like

  4. September 7, 2010 7:16 pm

    I’m really interested in hearing how this develops. We all make mistakes. I think it’s easy to make mistakes, especially when we have these blogs that are a place for us to get out how we feel and tell our version of the honest truth. The trouble is that as I’m telling my “truth” I can’t always look at my writing or blog posts from an outsider’s point of view. I’ve definitely regretted things I’ve said on my blog. I know I felt that way at the time, and wasn’t lying or anything, and maybe I said things just because I thought they were funny. But then I find out that something I wrote really hurt someone’s feelings. That sucks. But I guess we all can just try harder next time…

    Like

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