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Love Life Update: Another One Bites the Dust

September 30, 2010

I should probably be sad that another romantic prospect has bitten the dust, but I feel free! I was bragging to people about it on my trip. "I'm single and I love it!"

So I’m a bad blogger. It’s been over a week since I’ve posted anything. How have you all been able to stand life without me? I’m sure you were waiting with bated breath for my next installment from Crystal Land. (Please note the sarcasm.) And I know I left off in the middle of my vacation, but before I get back to that I think I should let you all in on something that happened before I left for NY.

Catherine asked for an update on my love life and I actually have one. The Monday before I left for my trip I was hanging out with my parents and doing laundry so that I could pack anything I wanted for the trip and I had another text conversation with Stargazer (because we really barely did anything but text).

The result of the conversation: I gave up. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. All the dramatic whimpering about this and that – and especially about me – was more that I could possibly take. I’m dramatic enough, I don’t need any extra from a man.

As some of you know I’ve been considering a dating moratorium for some time. I mean I’m perfectly happy with my own company and the company of my friends. Plus, with all the overtime I’ve been working, lately I’m too exhausted to even make it through my favorite TV shows (I fell asleep during Castle this Monday night so I don’t know who the killer is!), let alone accomplish anything of worth on a weeknight.

Any energy I have should really be devoted to pushing hard toward my graduate school and publishing goals – at least until Christmas, right? So a moratorium is a good idea. Of course if a guy was AMAZING and swept me off my feet I wouldn’t complain.

But this guy was not a sweeper. I could go into a lot of the reasons why it wasn’t working and wasn’t going to happen (and how I tried to nicely let him down by saying “I’m just not the girl for you”) but the details aren’t really that important. He’s just not the guy for me.

I need a guy with the emotional fortitude to handle a woman like me. A man who knows how he feels and tells me. A man who pursues what he wants – including me if I’m on the list of things he wants – even if he doesn’t know how it’s all going to end.

A man who doesn’t plan on living in SD for the rest of his life, but who wouldn’t mind doing so (as long as we were going to live in one of the top 6 cities in the state – Murdo is not for me). A man who is deeply passionate and deeply expressive. A man with dreams of his own and a life of his own. A man who doesn’t want his life to revolve around me but who wants me in his life.

I can’t be the sun for a guy, but I’d like to lay in it with him.

Anyway, after he texted me a sob-story about how things weren’t working out with some other girl he was dating and then mentioned that he and I have our own “issues” I tersely told Stargazer that I didn’t think we should talk anymore (via text). The truth is I had been trying to think of a good way to end things for a while – like since my trip to see my sister. But at the moment that he sent me another text asking me what I wanted I broke. I realized there’s no such thing as a good way to end things. I needed to break it off as soon as possible.

“I don’t want anything.”

I don’t remember the rest of the text conversation, but I know I said several things to the effect of: “I don’t think we should talk anymore.” And “I don’t want to date you.”

He tried to call. I didn’t answer.

He asked me to call him when I got home from my parents’ house. I didn’t want to, I figured he would try to manipulate me back into the friend zone and then keep trying to convince me to chase his passive-aggressive ass (if you were to ask him he would say that he was neither passive-aggressive, nor manipulative or a drama King. I disagree).

So, I didn’t want to talk to him, but I was trying to be nice about things, so I called. He didn’t answer. AWESOME!

The next day he wrote me a long e-mail that, against my better judgment, I read. I don’t remember now what it said, but he was trying to plead some sort of case. It was a lame attempt to present evidence of something. That we should be together? No that wasn’t it. That I should want him and I was making a big mistake? Maybe. That he was a better man. But better than who? Me I guess.

Well good for your Pancake-Lawyer-Man. You win the better man prize. If you feel you must have it I wouldn’t be able to convince you otherwise anyway.

It was clear from the e-mail that he was never going to be happy with any explanation I gave for why we were a bad match. (Maybe I should have told him that I wasn’t particularly attracted to him in person – just over text and e-mail.) That’s probably why he felt some kind of need to plead a case.

Too bad there wasn’t a jury available so that we could do it up right. He thinks he’s good with juries – maybe getting the take of a group of strangers would have assuaged his confusion about me.

So no more Pancake Man/Stargazer.

I don’t know about you all. But I’m relieved.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Matt79 permalink
    September 30, 2010 2:11 pm

    I don’t really understand why people try to argue their case when told that someone doesn’t want to continue things with them. I mean, I guess I kind of understand, but it just seems so futile – would they really get much enjoyment from being with someone who’s only still there because they’ve managed to talk them into sticking around? Don’t they want to be wanted rather than just tolerated?


    • September 30, 2010 3:18 pm

      I can understand where he’s coming from because I used to be in that place. I knew that it was silly to try to convince someone to be with me, but I wanted so badly to be loved that I thought the other person just hadn’t understood who I was or they would have chosen to love me. Honestly, though, I was like that back in high school. And we aren’t in high school anymore — you know?


    • September 30, 2010 6:00 pm

      I think maybe it is a way to seek closure. At times, we need to talk things out to understand where the other one is coming from. What I do find odd is that he was seeing other people yet seems to be taking your break up to heart as such, based on your description. It should have been easy to let go and let be when his heart was not that vested into just one person.
      Happy to read you again Crystal, I hope you had an awesome vacation.


      • October 1, 2010 8:05 am

        I totally understand the desire for closure. But I’ve found (and I admit freely that this may be different for everyone) that a person has to close things themselves. No matter what explanation the other person gives or can give there is still something left inside of you (and of course, by you I mean me) that has to make sense of it for yourself.


  2. September 30, 2010 8:21 pm

    You are pretty much my hero, I always dream of dumping guys I don’t like but I always feel bad for them so I stay in it and make us both miserable. I am book marking this page and using your words verbatim next time!


    • October 1, 2010 8:06 am

      Thank you for the amazing compliment. But I should confess. I let this relationship languish at least a month longer than I should have.


  3. October 3, 2010 7:19 pm

    Found my words! Sorry for the delay. Thanks for the romance update. I’m a sucker for a good romance update. A few things that I loved in this post:
    “I’m dramatic enough, I don’t need any extra from a man.”
    YOU SAID IT! 🙂
    “I can’t be the sun for a guy, but I’d like to lay in it with him.”
    LOVE THIS!! Just added to my favorite quotes of all time.

    Yes, I’m relieved too. It’s your life, but I could see, from your posts anyway, that Pancake Man was not the type of man you need in your life. You really seem to need someone who can challenge you, someone who knows what he wants (and knows how to get it). I think it takes strength to tell someone a firm, definitive no, like you have done here. Maybe it took you a bit longer that it should, but you are human. At least you said something. Some of us take months, a year to say something. Some people never say something, get married, and live unhappily ever after.

    I say if you are done with dating, take a date moratorium! I hate to be one of those stupid people who spouts off cliches, but they do say that you will find what you want when you least expect it…

    But… maybe finding someone is not anything you need, or anything I need, or anything any of us need at some point in our life. At those moments, you just need to take care of yourself.

    Just keep writing though. If you take a writing moratorium that would suck for your readers 🙂


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