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Girl On Top: My Guilt-Free Sexual Adventures

October 25, 2010

I wrote a guest post about sexting for my incredible blog buddy Catherine today. You can read it here.

I am very pro sexting (for a lot of reasons that you can read about in the post). I think it is an incredibly powerful and relatively safe way to explore one’s sexuality.

And, as a woman who is currently experiencing a guilt-free sexual liberation, I am actively exploring and enjoying my own sexuality in ways that, because of my religious and spiritual background, I never could have before.

I was raised (mostly) Baptist and taught that sex before marriage was a sin. In fact, I don’t know if the people at the church realized it or not, but they were really teaching us that all sex was a sin. In fact, even though a woman has to endure it in marriage, the message the spiritual leaders passed on to me (and my poor sister) is that sex is a dirty thing that a woman should avoid at all cost, lest her soul be eternally damned.

The only reason sex is okay is because your husband needs it and it is therefore your marital duty to him.

Oh, and you have to use that uterus of yours. Otherwise you are worthless to the rest of us. Cause the only thing a woman is really good for is breeding.

In fact, if we didn’t need them for that we wouldn’t include them in this church thing at all. And, in order to breed and eventually start your own Christian family-band you are going to have to have sex.

Of course no one said that out loud. But it was definitely implied by all the child-brides and the fact that women like my mother who did something other than just pop out babies were treated as virtual heretics.

Furthermore, through all the convoluted and less-than-direct messages about sex, sexuality and gender roles, I was also taught that enjoying sex – as a woman anyway – is probably the worst sin that can be committed.

By anyone.

Ever.

If you enjoy sex, basically you are a whore. Or you will become a whore. Or you will be miserable because you aren’t allowed to act like the whore that you are. And, of course a whore is any woman who is unmarried and not a virgin.

Ah, how the Madonna/whore dichotomy endures.

Furthermore, even though redemption is a major tenant of Christianity we were repeatedly told that having sex meant losing something important. Something we could never get back. Something we couldn’t give to our future spouse.

On an aside: Nowadays, I believe that each [consensual] sexual encounter is a gift you give to your partner (and a gift you receive from that partner) that you can take with you and can pass on to future partners on both a spiritual and practical level.

On a spiritual level, just sharing the beauty and the abandon of the moment and being that honest, that bare and that human together can be immensely powerful. It can honestly clean up a lot of the dirty spots in your head, heart and soul. It can make you feel beautiful, powerful and good.

On a practical level, well, it’s always nice to pick up a trick or two here and there – like learning how to give a good BJ…you know, just as an example.

But, until recently, I whole-heartedly bought into the idea that having sex diminished me in some way. And because of this belief, despite the fact that I lost my virginity at age 16 (Whoops, where did I put that darn virginity? I can’t find it anywhere!), I tried to avoid pre-marital sex well into my 20s.

I have even had long-term boyfriends that I never kissed because if anything remotely sexual happened I thought sex was sure to follow. And for years I thought that the reason I wasn’t married was because I couldn’t manage to find a guy who could keep it in his pants. (Or, to be fair, manage to keep it in my pants myself.)

Whatever man I was currently with, we were always trying not to have sex. But no matter what I tried, we always wound up “going too far.” And once we had sex we were trying not to do it again and trying not to let anyone know we had had sex.

Essentially living a secret, double-life full of lies.

And the truth is that is a diminishing way to live. Each mistake did take something away from me. But I was taking it away. I was allowing the church to take it away and hold it, glittering in front of me at arm’s length.

You screwed up, Crystal. That’s one more thing you can’t ever give to your future spouse. One more way that you won’t be able to be fully, deeply in love with another person. You’re just ruining everything.

And the secrets – those diminished me too. Trying to hide a part of myself. Purposely keeping parts of myself in the dark, away from others, created a loneliness that diminished me intensely. Holding parts of yourself in darkness can cause you to lose all control. All perspective. All sense of who you are and what you really want. Secrets can eventually control you in ways that seem impossible. Well, they seem impossible until you have a few secrets.

And one of the worst things about this double life was the fact that even if I was in love with a man I couldn’t enjoy making love to him because it was a “sin.” And we were guilty. Doomed.

The sad, truth of the matter is that the majority of the sexy things I was doing over those 10+ years were mostly about fear or compliance, and all of them were swathed in guilt.

And the men very often blamed me for what happened.

“Why didn’t you stop me?”

“I tried. Remember, I said we should stop. But you kept going.”

Everyone knows that women are the ones who are supposed to control themselves, control the situation. Men can’t be expected to control their sexual urges. And because I hadn’t stopped him (whichever him it happened to be) he eventually lost respect for me and then he was gone.

I had several Christian men begin sexual relationships with me that started lovingly, but ultimately the same men reduced me to an object. I became their dirty, secret sex-toy. I became their porn. Even though they had loved me and had a part in what had taken place between the two of us, I was the whore because I was the girl and I wasn’t a virgin. And these men didn’t want whores. So they didn’t want me.

To top it all off, even though I never fully enjoyed sex because of all that pressure, fear and guilt, I still wanted it. Talk about confusing. Damn biology.

Obviously, a lot of the confusion sprang directly from the way the church dealt with sex, sexuality and gender roles. I knew something was wrong I just didn’t know what exactly. Well, the church kept telling me I was the thing that was wrong. The sin and the sinner were the problem. But somehow I knew that wasn’t the whole story.

I have emotionally wrestled all of this – what I call the “sexual abuse of the church” – for years, but I hadn’t made many breakthroughs until a couple of years ago when I started dating a man – a Christian man, we’ll call him Sexy Christian – who suggested to me one Sunday afternoon that premarital sex was not a sin.

I realize now that he just wanted to get into my pants (and my bra…and my bed), but his selfish assertions became a revelation for me.

Of course, the first thing I did was re-read every part of the Bible that mentions sex. And no matter what his motives were, he had a point. The Bible talks about “sexual immorality” and warns against it a lot. But it isn’t all that clear about what specific acts constitute sexual immorality. Even if you believe the Bible is the infallible and unerring word of God, it’s really pretty vague on the topic.

Especially when you figure in societal and cultural issues. Is it really a sin or is it like that whole eating pork thing? It used to be a big deal because back then we didn’t have refrigeration and preservatives, but now eat your bacon.

And back then the family unit had a lot to do with a person’s ability to stay alive and the division of wealth and so on. So if a kid didn’t have a mom and a dad and lots of brothers and sisters (and maybe a few more moms…oh and slaves who birthed some of your father’s children and worked the fields for the family) there wouldn’t be a way to hunt, gather and farm enough food to stay alive. But now we have jobs…and birth control and ways to deal with the spread of STDs.

And maybe avoiding premarital sex isn’t any more important than those pesky verses about women covering their heads and cutting their hair. Or that whole ‘women not talking in church’ thing.

Maybe.

Anyway, after Sexy Christian brought it up, I prayed about it a lot. I thought about it a lot. And I got to a place where the assertion that sex is always a sin before marriage and never a sin within marriage seemed absurd. (And, as some of you know, I don’t even fully subscribe to the idea of “sin” anymore.)

Long story short, I wound up having sex with that man… and it was amazing! I mean, his sexual prowess wasn’t all that hot and his equipment wasn’t the best I’ve encountered, but I really cared about him and he had helped me to release the idea that unmarried sex is fundamentally different from any other kind of sex. And because of that, I didn’t feel guilty about it. I wasn’t ashamed.

And did I mention it was AMAZING?!

Sex without guilt is really the only way to do it. Oh, without guilt and with a condom. No need to be unsafe just because you’re suddenly sexually unfettered, right?

Of course I still believe in right and wrong. But I think it is a bigger problem to mislead another person about your feelings in order to have sex with them – like all of those so-called ‘Christian’ men who told me they wanted to marry me but really just wanted to bone me (or anyone for that matter) – than it is to say, make an arrangement with a lover so that you can explore your sexuality with another person and learn what you like.

And learn how to give that pleasure to another person.

And to love that person a little bit – even if it is just for that night. Or that afternoon. Or that hour. Or that moment.

So, I like sexting. In fact I’m all for it. I enjoy a lot of sexy things now that I have a new perspective on it all. After I broke up with Sexy Christian I even tried to take a lover with the express purpose of exploring my sexuality. That endeavor was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be…and I wouldn’t exactly say it worked out. But that’s another long story.

The important thing is, now I know that I can freely give myself to another person who is freely giving himself (or herself) to me. And that it doesn’t have to be a promise. But it doesn’t have to be empty and dirty just because it is sensual. And even if you aren’t married, it doesn’t have to be a sin.

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95 Comments leave one →
  1. October 25, 2010 5:13 pm

    I have not heard any of my Baptist friends mention these at all. Maybe it was the baptist church where you grew up. They really did put the fear of God in you! I am sorry for such a horrid experience. Sex is beautiful when it is a gift from you to a loved one and from a loved one to you, otherwise if it is to please only one of you, someone is indeed being used.
    BTW, did you go off tangents here as I missed why/how you became a sexting=pert. 🙂

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  2. October 25, 2010 5:21 pm

    Oh, you like sexting? My phone number i—

    Just playing, of course.

    Not playing: You’re making it harder for me to start my blog–yours are just so revealing and honest. Maybe I could just be your creepy comment guy who has something to say on everything you write…:-)

    I’m running around in this place that is not on the subject at the heart of this post because I know that if I start, I’ll be here all day…Wordpress might start charging you for the server space…lol

    I grew up Baptist as well…held on to those beliefs–they really messed me up, to put it simple. The whole concept is flawed; I realized there were chinks at around 14 when I asked about dinosaurs. As an adult, upon doing my own research, the Bible vaguely mentions beasts being before man, but it was too late by then. I was already on the road to Gnostic Christianity, and y’know, it feels good to be here now.

    I wish I would’ve been a little more exploratory and a little less zombied-Bible-thumper (“zombied” means without having done my own real research into the matter, or have had better guidance from the elders)…I might’ve had more sex. No, I WOULD’VE had more sex. My ideals were to be with one girl and be faithful to her… Hmmm…at 15 y/o…hmmm… Now I’m twenty-eight thinking, “What was I thinking??” when I glance on Facebook at some of my old highschool friends…lol

    Eh…better later than never…can you ever really be “late”? You’re right on time!

    Surely, you are all the better now.

    Like

    • October 25, 2010 5:30 pm

      You are certainly welcome to comment on all of my posts and to do so at length (just remember, in the blogosphere the longer the thing you write the fewer people who bother reading it). And I promise not to call you creepy.

      Like

  3. October 25, 2010 5:22 pm

    You bring about an interesting topic. I have often said that churches ruin women for sex. You are quite right that they don’t teach the positive commands to have great sex, but all of the thou shalt nots about sex. They teach little girls that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and good girls don’t do it. By the time that a woman is ready to embrace her sexuality, she is so negatively conditioned that she is often ruined for life for pleasurable sex.

    This shows up in things that she won’t do in bed and her lingerie selection. The vast majority of women wear white virginal nylon panties with no lace and utilitarian bras which are boring to men.

    The sexual sins can be found in the old testament. We are taught not to have sex with animals, the bible gives every combination that can be construed as incest, rape, homosexual sex, adultery. It was a ceremonial law that a woman was not supposed to have sex during her period but that law was done away with in the New Covenant relationship. All things are permissable in the marriage bed according to Hebrews 13:4

    Actually the bible does not even forbid premarital sex, it just says that if you have sex then you are required to marry. By not marrying it is the sin, not by having the sex. You will never hear that taught from a pulpit or taught in a sunday school.

    Also kids got married at a very young age after 13 to about 15 to help them avoid the lust problem and to give them a legal outlet. The kids were supposed to stay with one set of parents until they could make it on their own.

    The church also mandates a ministry in Titus 2 where the older women of the church are supposed to teach the younger women of the church how to love their husbands (sexually) so that the word of God is not blasphemed. You will not find that ministry much in modern day churches either.

    Try Proverbs 5:18-19 about having great sex and being ravished in her love. Ravished is a biblical word for great sex. You never heard that passage taught.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

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    • October 25, 2010 11:06 pm

      I have to question the current bible-belt craze for ‘good’ sex. Initially, it’s for physical intimacy and then for procreation, no? I haven’t met a stable couple who are still obsessed with sexual activity after decades of marriage. What if the most exciting (note: exciting not necessarily best.) sex for men always means treating women as an object? An other. Something to dominate, conquer. Once you become each other through intimacy, well, lets be honest people – It’s not nearly as exciting. Scripture makes room for sex, but it seems to downplay the exciting aspect for the sake of political soundness in the family. No! For the sanity of the individual, even. Prior to sex, there is the other – for both men and women. But men, we want to conquer. Continual conquering of women is widely the norm today. It’s not healthy for stability, or sanity.

      One might say that the standards of today are free of that ‘masochistic behavior’; but seriously, have women ever been – in the history of the world – such a commodity? Lord! they sell everything. It disgusts me. Dear Christians, let’s not buy that product. If you must be married, Virtue it is. Lay the insatiable aside.

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      • October 26, 2010 11:30 am

        Cole
        I must vigorously refute your notions. Some men are about conquering but most men want intimacy the same as women. This is only achieved through a healthy relationship. Getting naked does not mean intimacy, intimacy is letting down your gaurd and letting someone else into your soul and trusting them.

        As to great sex. You are doing it wrong if the excitement goes away. I work with couples to keep the sex fresh and exciting. You are taking the ascetics view that all pleaure is inherently bad and therefore must be refused. This has been a philosophy that has come and gone over the centuries when the Bible says that it is a gift of God and should be enjoyed in marriage.

        David Popenoe of the Rutgers University Marriage Project says that for intimacy, marriage is the answer and the better chance of success is based upon shared values, not living together before getting married, marrying after 25. He says that marrieds in secure happy relationships have more sex than their single counterparts and are happier with their sex. I think that you are in a case of arrested development if you look at sex as only conquering a woman.

        Here is what the Bible says to contradict your notions about great sex:

        “Let thy fountain be blessed (penis and relating to having children) And rejoice with the wife of your youth (from the Hewbrew word NURAH which means adolescent or youth, in other words get married young) Let her be as a loving hind and a pleasant roe (a type of dear and mountain sheep who willingly cooperates with the sex because it takes place in the high cliffs where fighting off her male could result in their falling to their deaths)
        Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times (women the object here is AT ALL TIMES)

        And be thou ravished ALWAYS (again with the always) with her love.
        Then a warning
        And why my son would you be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:18019

        Ravished means to be enraptured or GREAT SEX!

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    • October 26, 2010 8:45 am

      Thank you for your perspective and insight. I appreciate it all.

      You wrote: “Actually the bible does not even forbid premarital sex, it just says that if you have sex then you are required to marry.” Perhaps you could provide the scripture reference for that passage for my readers who are interested.

      Like

      • October 26, 2010 11:39 am

        Hey Crystal:

        I did not include the verse because I did not want to be accused of being a Bible thumper. It is Exodus 22:16 Where it says: And if a man entices a maid (virgin) and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife (this is the verse that shotgun weddings were based upon) If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, then he shall pay the virgins dowry.

        They never teach you that in church. In fact the only place where virginity is required for marriage is in the Old Testament where the priests were only allowed to marry a virgin from their tribe and that the proof of that virginity was required (bloddy sheets).

        Blessings on you and yours
        John Wilder

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  4. October 25, 2010 6:08 pm

    I believe that having sex before marriage is a sin, I’m a muslim young woman, I’m 25 and I’m virgin. I believe in it and I also understand it. Having sex with every sexy man I meet is dirty as far as I’m concerned, I mean, where are we going acting this way ??? If everyone is having sex with everyone, I can’t help but wonder where is the purity, where is our wisedom and our good sense and respect of each others, of ourselves, our bodies and souls !! I can’t let anybody go into me… I can’t even imagine it ! My body is not a public area for the visitors, my body is the home of my soul in this life, and I respect them both enough to take care of them and preserve my honor the best I can.

    Well, good luck anyway 🙂

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    • October 26, 2010 8:42 am

      I wish I knew your first name so that I could reply to you more personally, but since I don’t this will have to do.

      Thank you for your point of view. I both respect and honor it. It is amazing and beautiful that you have chosen to remain a virgin as per your belief system. I hope that that decision is something that results in you receiving a deep spiritual reward.

      Like

    • October 26, 2010 9:28 am

      Religion aside, lets examine this a little.

      Before we do this, I must say, “Congratulations for doing something that I intended to do at 13, but seemingly abandoned at 15″… Good job!

      “Respect” “Honor”…these are subjective things, discrete from culture to culture. Surely, wearing neck rings may not be valuable in the respect category for you, but we’ve both heard of the African tribes that use this on women, to lengthen and beautify the neck.

      With that, I offer this…

      Given the life cycle of the human being–the course of hormones and physical development–in youth we find ourselves most infatuated with sex. Some consciously never let go of this desire well into their sixties and beyond, but unconsciously, we seek this from late adolescence (early adolescence is the discovery of our sexuality it seems) on into our thirties…

      During this time, the female body is more capable of producing healthy young, and the male body is more capable of producing healthy sperm. This isn’t a perspective…or a belief…it’s science.

      With that said, if our souls are here to visit (implied by major religions’ inferring the body being a temple, or home of the soul while here), is it not thoughtful to have an enjoyable experience here? Now, before someone says that there is more to enjoy than sex–yes, I agree. However, my body outlines potential experiences for me at varying stages of my life; and although I do so much more than have sex at this time (28), sex isn’t off of the table because someone I haven’t met wrote a book a long time ago when they were not in their “prime years”…

      It all seems very misleading.

      I liken sex to simply an activity…like throwing a football…or enjoying a movie. If I go to the movies with my buddies, we have a good time…going with my girlfriend implies something else…we’re spending time together, we’re enjoying this because we’re sharing our space…

      By the same token, throwing a football around with my buddies and throwing one with my girlfriend–two different things. There are things I won’t do with my buddies…like have sex. My genes have decided that this is an activity I’ll only do with the opposite sex. Cool. If I have sex with a prostitute, it isn’t the same as having sex with someone that I love, simply because the emotional attachment isn’t there (not to mention the stigma of a prostitute).

      Nothing more, nothing less.

      Of course, I’m not trying to convince you that your belief–or anyone who shares a similar sexual ideology–is wrong. I am simply saying that seasons change, and life goes on. Whether we like it or not we age and decay…our minds and bodies do not function the same throughout our lives. And although Life gives the perception of immortality, it is but Life itself that goes on…we (our physical bodies) die.

      Why not enjoy our youth to some extent (with condoms and regular check-ups :-))?

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      • October 26, 2010 10:02 am

        As unfettered as I would say I currently am. The truth is I’m not sleeping around by any means. However, if an opportunity presents itself and I’m clear about the emotional and spiritual implications of the situation I consider it. And, I often say no because I see how the situation could be destructive. I am still an emotional person and sex is an emotional thing. I am careful not to put my heart in a bad situation. I am also careful to be very clear about what each person is trying to get out of the experience before proceeding. Plus, if you really want to be physically safe you can’t sleep around too much. It’s just dangerous. I’m a safety girl.

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        • October 26, 2010 4:59 pm

          At no point would I suggest ripping off your clothes running through the boys’ locker room. I just think–from what I’ve seen and experienced–that there’s ultimately no real way of knowing what someone is going to do in a relationship before, during, or after sex.

          Sex is just something to do. The lust always fades, and the real person is shown. Once that happens, then you can assess what each person is really trying to get out of it. I know of some people who “play the game” until they achieve their goal…and others who were played with no ending in sight.

          I mean really: everyone puts on their best clothes at a ball…even if they dress like a bum at the mall…

          You never know who you’re going to meet…even in the most weird situations…

          My Story:

          My present girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years. That’s not to imply that we’ll be together for twenty more, nor that we’ll break up in twenty days. It’s just what’s happening. We met at 2100 on a Friday or Saturday night (can’t remember). She was driving. I was walking. I waived at her (being the rather sociable person that I am), and she waved back.

          We were friends for about six months, but our conversations were limited to email being that we became geographically separated per my requests to the universe to help me resolve something that I was going through at the time.

          We started off as lovers…almost immediately. Not much of an attachment…but we grew to enjoy eachother more and finally realized that while we were trying to be with other people, we should maybe try to be with eachother. Why not?

          Out of all of the women that I’ve had the pleasure of courting (maybe five over a five year period), this woman has been the most consistent (if not a little emotionally crazy…as I’ve grown to see that women are all emotionally crazy, it seems), loving, caring person that I’ve ever been with in my life. And I am more than happy to say that. How would I have known if it weren’t for my sexual attraction to her when we first met?

          I mean, really…

          They say that many things happen for a reason. I say that many times, “Reason” plays no part since the way that we’ve been taught to analyze doesn’t apply anywhere outside of science and math.

          Be safe…that’s always a good thing; self-preservation is essential, really. But don’t be so safe that you happen to protract an undesired situation when it’s not necessary… You know?

          I mean shucks, like I said, anything can happen. That’s a given. It’s in the DNA of the Universe. But have that thing called “Faith” and just dive on in. I won’t say, “Time’s passing you by,” because that’s unfair–pretty selfish. What I will say is, “How are you passing the time?”

          Stay true, Crys…

          I really enjoy your blogs… As Dave Chappelle would say, “Keep it Real!”

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    • December 1, 2010 12:17 pm

      I’m a Muslim, I feel bad about premarital sex but in our part of world (Pakistan) getting married has become a very difficult act. There are so many prerequisites and so many terms and conditions to make you feel “hell just pay a few hundred bucks to any random hooker and get over with it”. BTW according to Hadith(saying of Muslim Prophet) a man better be married when he’s 18 and a woman when she’s 16. There’s another Hadith that getting married must be kept easy. If we are following one belief system then we shall fully follow it. Islam also tells people to lead simple life for various reasons, why don’t we do that?
      First thing:
      If premarital or extra marital sex has to be prohibited, get married must be made as easy as possible. I believe extra marital sex most of the times causes a lot of problems and creates weird patterns in social fabric, therefore sex must be regulated. Either by church/mosque/government/anything, and nobody at all shall be allowed to screw impregnate a woman and get away with it.
      And the second:
      I swear by by God sexual hunger is destroying the youth in at least my country, people get to see a lot of breasts/hips/belly buttons on TV/internet porn/print media, the hunger gets magnified but there’s nothing to satisfy the need. Youth is too obsessed with unreal sexual misconceptions, whole lot is masturbating the hell out of themselves, molesting children and what not. They just can’t concentrate on anything else.

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  5. dave c permalink
    October 25, 2010 9:06 pm

    I think it’s a really good thing to sort of get-over sex being “all that”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good, but I think the politics behind it are just… over-the-top, and can take the focus off of what really matters in a relationship.

    …then again, they can become the focus of a relationship, too. At least, that’s what Fred Durst said in his ‘nookie’ song. I trust Fred Durst to know these things.

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    • October 26, 2010 8:40 am

      I couldn’t agree more Dave…I think you and Cole are on the same page on that idea. And I really appreciate my married friends weighing in on this topic.

      And you’re right…Fred Durst does probably know about these things…

      😉

      Like

    • October 26, 2010 9:31 am

      lol

      Like

  6. Jacqui permalink
    October 25, 2010 9:24 pm

    I think this is one of the best blogs I’ve ever read! I cannot merely say; “Good for You!” Instead, I will say; “GREAT FOR YOU, CRYSTAL!” It takes courage to speak with such honesty and (dare I say it?) PASSION!!!

    It’s sad to see that so many people have this type of experience (feeling guilty about having and especially enjoying sex) and then come to a realization later on in life that their faith traditions have taught some things that really sucked.

    I had quite a different experience growing up in my family’s faith tradition. As Unitarians, the church was all about being liberal and exploration. I guess they felt that we were going to explore along sexual lines even if they told us not to … so the next best thing was to EDUCATE US. So…I learned a lot about sex at church – we had a weekly class that was held for about two months, as I recall. Age 11 – 19 attended.

    Some things of course, cannot be taught in a class room. Some of it (especially when it comes to sex) must just be learned by doing and by life experience. Before I go off on a tangent or start telling funny stories from “sex class” I guess I’ll just let these words be enough. I will however, repeat myself one more time; GREAT FOR YOU, CRYSTAL!

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    • October 26, 2010 8:38 am

      Oh Jacqui…I read this comment last night (but I wasn’t able to approve it because I was on my phone), and it was just the encouragement I needed. Thank you for all your smiles. I love you and I am so happy to hear that your faith tradition allowed sex to be an open part of your development. When I was a youth pastor I pushed for a similar discussion but was rebuffed at every turn.

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      • Jacqui permalink
        October 26, 2010 5:48 pm

        I love you too Crystal and I am so very proud of you!

        I’m sure there were some people against the sex class when they first started them at the church – I mean, we’re talking 1974!

        Now my folks weren’t uncomfortable with giving my sister and I the “talk” – but wanted to support the class. And for ME…I felt much more comfortable asking some of my questions to the teachers rather than asking my Mom and Dad!

        OK…ONE funny sex class story tangent…

        The first class that we had, everyone was asked to fill out a questionnaire so that the teachers knew what level of knowledge we all had on the subject.

        I got to question #6 and was stuck…because I didn’t know what one of the words meant…so I asked my sister;

        “Hey Jen, what does this question mean? Do you masturbate?” and my darling sister says;

        “Don’t worry about it…just circle YES!”

        Now of course, no one had to write their name on the paper…and after the teachers reviewed them all…here is what they said first!

        “It appears, that on question number 6, we only have ONE HONEST PERSON IN THE CLASS! 🙂

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  7. Logan permalink
    October 25, 2010 10:24 pm

    First of all, thanks for posting on this subject. I’ve talked with you before about this, and it’s nice to see your thoughts presented so clearly and passionately.

    Sex is sex, and it’s fantastic. As I see things, ruining it for another person as was done for you is unjust and almost evil. The only thing that should limit a person’s actions in this regard are their own morals, not those imposed upon them from “On High.”

    I’m a guy and gave up on Christianity before sex was ever an issue, which fortunately for me meant that any reluctance I might have towards certain sexual acts stems from the morals I’ve developed over the years. Hopefully I’m not deluding myself in believing that they arose from meaningful experiences and encounters. 🙂

    At any rate, cheers for posting on a topic that I’m sure will resonate with many people.

    Like

    • October 26, 2010 8:36 am

      Thanks for the support big guy! I also appreciate your perspective. I look forward to getting to where you are and knowing that any reticence on my part is coming for my true beliefs and ideals rather than a dogmatic imposition.

      Like

    • October 26, 2010 9:35 am

      Hopefully I’m not deluding myself in believing that they arose from meaningful experiences and encounters

      We share similar fears…

      Like

  8. Roxy permalink
    October 25, 2010 10:26 pm

    Personally, I think sex should be used to get closer to god.

    There is really no comparable way to experience the intimacy you can achieve with sex, and when you can combine those deep feelings of affection for someone with the physical gratification sex brings…well, if that isn’t what Heaven feels like, I’m not sure I want to go.

    Maybe if the masses were taught that sex is an inherently beautiful thing; a wonderful means to connect with a lover on a deeper level, then maybe we wouldn’t have so many girls who spend years misplacing such an important and empowering entity in their lives.

    I’m sorry it’s been such a journey for you, Crystal. But I’m glad you’ve finally found some comfort in it. Maybe you can use that understanding to help others find their spiritual sexiness as well….

    Like

    • October 26, 2010 8:35 am

      You know , Roxy, sometimes I’m sorry for the journey. There were some painful parts. But I feel like I’m in a great place now and I have learned so much. Even from the bumpy bits. And I do hope that I can, as you said, help others find spiritual sexiness. That’s part of why I laid all this out there. It is still a bit of a wound. But it’s healing…

      Like

  9. October 25, 2010 10:52 pm

    Sorry I haven’t responded yet. I’ve had exams and another one’s coming Wednesday. No time for any significant extraneous thought.

    Concerning sex, though, lets consider Nietzsche. He viewed the modern relaxation of standards, the emptying of repressed sexual desire of the modern age as an essential taming of sex. What do you have to lose? Nada, y pues nada. Just think about the sex you have when everything is at stake, your reputation, your material well-being, even your salvation.

    We moderns, so easily satisfied! Just give me some good feelings, distract me for awhile. nada.

    Like

    • October 26, 2010 9:04 am

      Cole…I like you and I think it’s cool that you know so much about what philosophers think. And while it is interesting to consider what Nietzsche might say about my blog I’d rather know what you think. And use the vernacular if you can.

      😉

      Like

  10. Bigpapadoom permalink
    October 26, 2010 1:56 am

    Thanks for sharing, putting yourself out there and fighting the good fight. It’s got to be pretty cathartic post-spiritual reformation. I’m proud of you, not that you need my affirmation. Namaste, let your light shine brilliantly.

    Like

    • October 26, 2010 8:26 am

      I do feel like I need the affirmation this morning. I got quite a few angry e-mails about how I’m going to Hell last night. So thank you! Namaste.

      Like

  11. October 26, 2010 7:59 am

    Well said Crystal. Thank you for sharing.
    My Catholic childhood experience not only greatly confused me about the fear of sex but also taught me not to trust anyone in general. I’m glad I wandered away at a young age.
    My personal opinion is that the old book and it’s rules were written to help people at the time but times have changed and we have ways to take care of ourselves. If nobody is getting injured then why should we stop ourselves from enjoying the most natural thing a living organism has? We don’t need to hold power of our women anymore. We figured out they are capable of being their own human beings. We don’t need to teach fear. There is already enough out there to fear. Making up stuff is cruel.

    Like

    • October 26, 2010 8:25 am

      Thanks for the support. And thanks for sharing a little bit about your background. I would have never pegged you as a former Catholic. Just goes to show what I know…

      😉

      Like

  12. October 26, 2010 8:57 am

    Loved your sexting post, Crystal. Funny–and educational! You’ve performed your community service for the day.

    Like

    • October 26, 2010 9:00 am

      It always feels so good to be of service…especially if I can be a little naughty while I’m at it!

      Like

  13. October 26, 2010 9:37 am

    Thanks for sharing this background. I think it’s very courageous to explain exactly how you got to where you are now – a sexually liberated woman. I find your religious background really interesting, because as I shared with you, I have no religious background at all. My family didn’t go to church, and I didn’t read more than a passage or two out of the Bible until I was 18. So, the message I always got was that you should “probably” wait till marriage, but that you should “definitely” wait until you are in love. I’m not sure if that’s the best message for a young girl to hear, but I think I’ve turned out fine. I’m just now becoming more liberated in my sexuality, and the last guy I slept with (the first after my ex), I didn’t even love. GASP!! I know. Shocking. I expected to feel guilty, but instead I felt comfortable with my decision and like an adult woman who could do whatever the hell I please. And I think that’s pretty awesome.

    And you can’t really call it premarital sex… if you don’t plan on getting married… now can you??

    Thanks also for your awesome post on my blog about sexting! http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2010/10/26/simply-solo-spotlight-sexting-%e2%80%93-my-not-so-guilty-pleasure/

    Like

  14. October 26, 2010 9:48 am

    Among the angry e-mails about how I’m going to Hell that I got as a result of this post, one person included a bunch of scriptures references. He asserted that all of these scriptures condemn sex before marriage as a sin. For those who are interested in seeing a bit of what the Bible says about this stuff here is a list:

    1 Corinthians 7:2 , Acts 15:20; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13, 18; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7, Hebrews 13:4

    I will, of course let you all decide for yourselves what the verses mean.

    Like

    • October 26, 2010 10:35 am

      That approach is admirable. How easy would it be to have this person one, discuss their own personal feelings about sex (where those feelings come from), and two, do they have the ability to read, listen and think before opening their mouths. To some, these topics bring fear and legalistic thinking up front first.

      Gee. It might help some people to read a good article about basic rules of engaging in such a topic.

      http://westbrookpub.wordpress.com/2008/10/03/healthy-boundaries/

      Like

      • October 26, 2010 11:14 am

        As always thank you for your contribution and for the way you engage in the conversations we often have here. I appreciate your gentle and thoughtful nature.

        Like

    • October 26, 2010 12:01 pm

      Ah the much misunderstood fornication. Acts 15 Fornication was the practice of false idol worship where people engaged in orgies in front of the idols out in the groves in the shade. If you did not have a willing partner to have sex with and could not hook up at the local orgy, then they had willing prostitutes both male and female that you could rent for the orgy. Interestingly, this is where the word porno came from. From the original greek it was porneia where adultery and incest were committed in front of the idols. Remember they had no form of entertainment, tv, radio or even books as most people were illiterate so the big form of entertainment was orgies. Then there was PORNE which was a female prostitute for rent for the idol worship. Then there was the word PORNOS which was a male prostitute for hire, that would include for the women and for homosexual men,

      One might through extension translate this into promiscuous sex today or hooking up just for sex with no emotional connection.

      Hebrews 13:4 is a repudiation of Old Testament laws concerning ceremonia law like having to wash 3 times after having sex before going to the temple to pray or having to wash your sheets after sex before going to the temple and women not having sex during their periods. All of that old testament legalism was done away with because of Christ’s death for our sins.

      Blessings on you and yours

      Like

    • October 26, 2010 2:02 pm

      I can’t believe people would bother to send you angry e-mails over an article like this. What kind of life is someone living if they feel the need to attack people over the internet?

      Like

      • October 26, 2010 2:24 pm

        My guess, a very black and white one full of rules that must be obeyed “or else.” They’re trying to save me from the “or else.” At least, I’ve decided to think that’s what they are doing.

        Like

    • November 1, 2010 4:11 pm

      I find it both amazing and predictable that out of all the scriptures you note, none have anything to do with Christ’s words regarding the topic. Could it be that the Savior of the world and unintended founder of a religion, Jesus Christ (the person presumably followed under the CHRISTIAN umbrella), had nothing to say of the topic? Surely out of all of the things that he said and did, there would be somewhere that he notes his disapproval of this behavior…

      This reminds me of the “homosexual debate.” So many “Christians” thump their Bibles in regards to this, but CHRIST had nothing to say of the subject. Interestingly, Christ had a lot to say about helping the poor and loving ones neighbor as they love themselves…yet this is noted without passion.

      Angry emails…please… More like people displeased with their own faith practices. It’s easy to point the finger when your hand is broken in a cast…

      Keep it Reality, Crys!

      Like

      • November 1, 2010 4:32 pm

        I think the fact that Jesus didn’t say anything about the issue is a pretty good point Al. Thanks!

        Like

        • November 1, 2010 5:56 pm

          It’s just that these Pharisees blaspheme my Savior/Idol/Mentor so much…they need to be called out on it–just as he called them out on blaspheming the Father. Remember, if someone proclaims that they follow Jesus Christ, yet profess intolerance, they are but demons…for even demons know the Word of God (probably better than most “Christians”)…there’s a great story about this in the Gospels…you know–where Jesus is actually quoted and followed????

          …and I guess you know what I think of the scriptures you shared…lol

          Like

        • November 1, 2010 6:44 pm

          And since we’re doing scriptures around here:

          “11 Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

          -Matthew 5; 11-12

          Another?

          ” 20 For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.”

          -Matthew 5; 20

          And, yet another…

          “43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven.”

          -Matthew 5; 43-45

          Jesus was about empowerment and enlightenment.

          Now, just so I’m not accused of only pulling from what I want to spread (like so many others blatantly do):

          “27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[e] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

          -Matthew 5; 27-28

          However, this deals with divorce…not pre-marital sex… Furthermore, it refers to the Jewish part of the Bible which is an about-face from the New Testament… A wrathful God, versus a God willing to sacrifice Its Son to save Its creation… I have separate feelings about the intent of the Bible’s council whom decided which books to include in the Holy Bible, but that’s another conversation…

          Getting back, why consider what someone other than Christ had to say when Christ is who a Christian presumably follows. Christ had a lot to say about how people were behaving and misrepresenting His (Our) Father… Thus, if Christ had disdain for these individuals, why would he encourage us to follow what they had to say?

          It doesn’t take a Bible Scholar to see this…

          All you needed was eyes and ears…per Jesus’ pre-reqs…

          I could go on about this…

          Stay loving, honest, and ALWAYS in reality, Crys…

          Like

      • November 1, 2010 8:08 pm

        The reason that Jesus did not say anything about sex is because He came to fulfill the law that the heavenly Father already had in the old Testament. He did not come to change the law, but to call us to a higher morality. He did say that the only reason for divorce was adultery. He also said that if you look on a woman to lust after her then you are guilty just the same as if you did commit adultery, so He did not exactly say nothing.

        Blessings on you and yours
        John Wilder

        Like

        • November 2, 2010 1:18 pm

          Thanks for commenting…

          His comments were in regards to being married. Adultery is mentioned in proceeding verses regarding marrying a woman who has been divorced and a married man lusting after another woman (in lieu of intercourse).

          Either way, Jesus had nothing to say in regards to premarital sex nor homosexuality (although we’re not talking about homosexuality).

          On a personal note, I question whether or not Jesus actually looked admirably at the Old Testament. The fact that the advisements are so dissimilar, yet for Jesus to surmise that he didn’t come to change the law but to uphold it…that just seems odd considering the stark contrast between Jesus’ behavior and the behavior of the Father.

          For instance, in the Old Testament, there are altars and designated places of worship to communicate with God. We all recognize that Jesus is intended as the last sacrifice–the unerring lamb, if you will (as opposed to the sick and decrepit offerings that were being given up for sacrifice previously).

          In the New Testament, Jesus proclaims that the kingdom of God is within you…

          Why would a sentient, all-knowing, powerful being be so, well, moody?

          I’m riding with Jesus… You?

          Like

  15. October 26, 2010 9:56 am

    Perhaps, what most of us are coming to understand here is the fine line between what was the intention of those before us who contributed to scriptural reference to such subject such as sex and what the western world influence has done to it. Sex, like Anger, is an act in itself.

    It is human nature to be destructive at times with anger. Why is that. Probably because anger is just a reflection of of unmet or unwanted thing in our lives. We find it easier to project anger on others and hurt. While most of us would not hurt someone with the act of sex, we certainly can classify how easy it would be to engage in sex for our own selfish pleasure. Why. Face it. With someone who would enjoy the act with us-it feels good.

    I too grew up Baptist. While I was taught that sex was sinful, it was taught in that exact context.
    Sex itself is just an act. It is also very powerful. When a teen for instance does not understand the responsibility of sharing such a power with another, unfortunate circumstances can alter future plans. Get my point. Put sex into a context where the power can be experienced responsibly and given with maturity, this is probably what God intended. To each his or her own; however, most of us don’t know how to appropriately handle or process the feelings experienced with sexual intimacy until we truly become adults.

    I once heard an interview with Traci Lord. She was ask why she left the adult movie industry. Her main message was simple and to the point. “I got to the point where I would go home at the end of the day and felt that I could not wash the act and experience off of me”.

    There are many scripture references and interpretations we could discuss about sex and the boundaries within. I throw this one out there. “You must know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is within — the Spirit you have received from God.” —1 Corinthians 6:19

    For a moment, throw away the tactics of fear that lead to zero understanding about sexual intimacy.
    How does your choice to have sexual intimacy edify the body? Does the other person you want to engage with have a respect for the intimacy of any kind that you wish to share?

    I have enjoyed this article. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

    • October 26, 2010 10:07 am

      Andy, thank you for your insightful addition here. I didn’t get into it in this post but I do believe that sex is like a lot of things. It is powerful and like any powerful thing, depending on how it is wielded and received, can be used to create something amazing, beautiful and even transcendent, but it can also be very destructive.

      Like

      • October 26, 2010 10:44 am

        I am sorry that there are people out there who think you are going to Hell.
        Although a lot of us might now agree with everything discussed in this forum and topic, there is a purpose and you are fine to express your thoughts and feelings about it.

        You know, church is for people who think differently, question authority, battle with addictions, have difficulty with change. How else are we supposed to gain strength and allow God to give us thought, vision and open to any portion of change which can be good in our lives. How else are we supposed to live communally. If there is a church out there which has perfect people who are sitting at the right hand of God the Father in heaven, let me know. I will be sure to pray for you. In respect for those who are uncomfortable with such a topic as outlined in this article, you did not have to continue reading.

        Like

  16. Nathan permalink
    October 26, 2010 10:38 am

    Crystal,

    Thanks for your words. It is a sad and terrible sin that your church had such a negative view of sex. The Bible teaches that God created sex, therefore, we who subscribe to what the Bible teaches should be the most passionate supporters of sex. It is more than simply biology, it is connection with another person through a spiritual, physical, and emotional act. Sex is beautiful. I agree with your thoughts, but not your practices. Why not enjoy the beauty and celebration of intimacy with one person for life and see that as the ultimate sexual liberation rather than experiencing it with multiple partners who may or may not even care about you (sexual Russian Roulette). It is an act that at its highest form is selfless service and at its lowest form is simply a physical act of mutual gratification (using the term mutual loosely:)). I would rather know someone for many years and see sex as more and more an act of service than as something that is casually used to fulfill desires. I’m not sure if any of these thoughts are very cogent or understandable, but I must say that I love sex and, while I didn’t make it to marriage sexually spotless, I am now enjoying the most fun, pleasure and exciting sexual adventure I have ever had and I look forward to knowing my wife more intimately with each sexual experience. It is shared for life and it is amazing! I can’t wait to make love to her when we are old and to know that we now know how to love each other more intimately than when we were in our 30s. To me, that is sexually liberation.

    Like

    • October 26, 2010 10:56 am

      First of all, I appreciate your response and I like your outlook. Thank you for sharing Nathan. I’m glad you and your wife are having such a great experience.

      As for your comment “Why not enjoy the beauty and celebration of intimacy with one person for life…” I have nothing against the idea…in fact I’m all for it. But isn’t currently an option for me. No one wants to marry me. I look forward to the expressions of sexuality that I will be able to experience in marriage, but right now I’m not married. I’m also not out trying to find a different person to sleep with every night. Please, do not misunderstand.

      Also, although I specifically referenced the Baptist church I grew up in, every Christian church I’ve been too has been about the same in terms of their abusive ideas and ideals. And I have been to a lot of churches. It may not be specifically written in their doctrinal philosophies but it is alive and brutally forceful in the folk piety and even the words of the clergy.

      Like

      • Nathan permalink
        October 26, 2010 11:00 am

        I apologize for not specifically saying “the Baptist church you grew up in” but I’m sincerely disappointed with your comment. No other reaction?! Come on, Crystal, you can do better with that.:)

        Like

        • October 26, 2010 11:17 am

          No, I’m saying the Baptist church I grew up in was not the only church to contribute to my abuse. I’d love to respond as fully as you would like. Perhaps you could ask me a specific question. I don’t want to fight Nate. I’m so glad you’re happy and I’m even happier that you have such a great attitude toward the sex you have with your wife. What would you like to know about how I feel on this topic? I’d be happy to share.

          Like

          • Nathan permalink
            October 26, 2010 11:35 am

            Crystal,
            I am not trying to fight, just was being selfishly impatient on getting your response (which has since posted…thanks! :)).
            I don’t believe that no one wants to marry you right now, I just think that you’re trying too hard to find someone to meet your needs and that if you would give that desire up, that someone would come along that would fulfill your desires!
            “Good things come to those who wait.”
            I have seen this happen so many times in my life that it is beyond pure circumstance. God loves us so much and wants us to enjoy things in life (sex, family, nature, to name a few), but He is also concerned with the morals that we subscribe to. God specifically talks about this in Romans, but I won’t get into Scripture quoting. You can find it if you want to. God’s attitude seems to be either do it my way or do it yours. I have done it both ways and tend to find quick pleasure and slavery to my lusts when I do it my own sexy way. However, I find delayed pleasure and liberation when I do it God’s sexy way. It’s clear to me which is more fulfilling in the long run and I hope you find the same! Wishing you the best, Crystal. Love you!
            Nathan

            Like

            • October 26, 2010 11:40 am

              You know someone who wants to marry me? That’s strange. I don’t even know anyone who wants to date me. 😉

              Actually, I’m not currently trying to find anyone to “meet my needs” — or anyone at all for that matter.

              Like

              • Nathan permalink
                October 26, 2010 12:37 pm

                No, I never said I knew anyone who wants to marry you or date you, but I would imagine a person as interesting as you would not have (at least) 1 or 2 secret admirers who might hope one or both of the things mentioned above. If you are not searching for someone to fulfill your desires then why sext? You said yourself that it is a desire of yours to sexually experiment. Right?

                Like

                • October 26, 2010 12:42 pm

                  I do want to experiment sexually. And I have a few available takers if the mood strikes me. So, I’m not actively searching for anyone. (Oh, and I hope you’re right about the secret admirers. And if any of them are reading this, remember what your mother told you when you were little, “Secrets don’t make friends.” 😉 )

                  Like

    • October 26, 2010 11:01 am

      Good expression.

      Like

  17. Victoria permalink
    October 26, 2010 10:50 am

    Religion: a fine way to control the masses.

    Flash back to the time period of religion not being questioned: the masses don’t know anything about STD’s or where babies come from.

    Result: Uncontrolled infections and uncontrolled pregnancies.

    Solution: Attack the problem at it’s source – DISCOURAGE SEX, or at least make it result in social consequences and commitment, so that the masses think before they do it. Prohibition is once again chosen over education and discovery.

    Flash forward to today: a simple band-aid solution is continued to be mistaken for moral teachings. Ladies like Crystal are continuously being screwed around with in their head. It is horrible what you had to go through. We now know much more about STDs and pregnancies, yet we continue to somehow relate sex and morals.

    What do sex and morals have to do with each other anyways? Yes, it is wrong to take a person’s life. Yes, it is wrong to steal. Yes, it is wrong to disrespect your parents. [ETC] These are all obvious and over discussed. But why is it wrong to engage in pleasurable acts of having sex? It is not wrong to drink wine, or eat good food, or do other such simplistic things of pleasure.

    I would much rather see the church teach the masses how boys can be respectful to women: not tell them empty “I love you’s” just to get in their bed; not abondon them if they knock one up; not take advantage of drunken teenagers; not post their sexting-naked pictures on[line].

    Sex is an act of respect and trust, not an immoral dirty thing; and, as a bonus, it is fun and pleasurable. Get with the program, church people!

    Like

    • October 26, 2010 11:17 am

      Good questions.
      Try to remember, whether you are a boy or a girl, man or women sex is also a behavior. People have the sinful nature of being manipulative with behaviors. People can get hurt when we use behavior as a bartering system. Without some type of a value system in place and some kind of moral standard for yourself, an act of behavior can be used for anything.

      At most, no matter how shallow or deep you might accept it’s content, this article is simply about a person expressing her moments of present freedom through sexual intimacy.

      Like

      • Victoria permalink
        October 26, 2010 11:54 am

        I only had one question.

        What does the act of sex have to do with morals? Why is it so wrong, so dirty, so filthy? Why is a woman a whore if she has lots of it, if she enjoys it? Because that is how it’s always been. Because that is how they’ve told us it is.

        The two most dangerous statements in the world.

        Yes, sex is a behaviour. And as the sin here, are you referring to the fact that a man/woman can use sex as leverage to get what he/she wants? That is called bribing. That is the immoral thing, not the act of sex itself. Saying that “having sex is immoral”, is not the same as saying that “having sex for the wrong reasons is immoral”. The former is what the value system/standard that you are referring to is stating. The latter is what it should be stating.

        And yes, I do understand what this article is about. I was of the impression that the “Leave a Reply” section was not just for “Good Job” and “You poor thing”.

        Like

        • October 26, 2010 12:00 pm

          I appreciate both of your perspectives and I encourage you discussing them…but let’s all play nice, please. (Also…I don’t really need any “you poor thing” comments. Any sympathy offered is of course accepted is kind, but I’m doing great.

          Like

          • October 26, 2010 12:04 pm

            I agree.
            My comment was not intended to be a culprit.

            Like

            • October 26, 2010 12:12 pm

              Oh you guys are all playing quite nicely about a touchy topic…I was just afraid this thread might get out of hand.

              Like

  18. Jewel of the bed permalink
    October 26, 2010 2:39 pm

    I remember u being like this. Then rebeling then re-guilting. U also would judge me as if I had to share your views. But the whole time I knew u were confused. I understood as I was raised similarly. I had been confused but had rejected this idea of it being so awful earlier. But I could because of the positives of my experiences. Not everyone was telling me how wrong it was. And there was innocence and love involved. Promises of responsibility not marriage. I agree with the idea of a learning partner, but my emotions always want to be involved. However, Being single now and shut off may lead me to success of it.

    Like

    • October 26, 2010 2:54 pm

      I’m sorry you ever felt judged by me about anything — especially sex. (Please forgive me if you haven’t already.) I guess I was passing on the hateful dogma unintentionally. I promise I never had you pegged as condemned to hell in my brain or anything. I’ve always loved you and wanted the best for you. For a while I thought the best was no sex. Plus, I’ve always seen how emotional you get about the sexy stuff and I’m protective of your beautiful heart too — but that’s a whole other issue. And you know, I used to be jealous of how much fun you had with the sexy stuff. I didn’t know that’s what it was, but looking back I can see that aspect of it. No more jealously now…I’m no longer missing out. Thanks for reading doll! I’d love to have you come by the blog more often! I always want to know what you think of the stuff I write.

      Like

  19. October 26, 2010 4:14 pm

    I didnt read all the comments. But I will say that I grew up in a luthern school/church. I came away with the same thing… that sex is dirty and only meant for marriage.

    I disagree… but thats me. I dont consider myself a whore either. Its liberating to have guilt-free sex.

    Should have had you guest post for me on sex over at my blog… if you want to we can squeeze you in!

    Like

  20. October 27, 2010 6:28 pm

    Holy crap this post has a lot of comments!

    Just discovered your blog after following the comment you left on mine – you write wonderfully 🙂

    Like

    • October 27, 2010 6:30 pm

      Thanks Jonathan…I hope you like it enough to come back from time to time. Congrats on Freshly Pressed. I’m still crossing my fingers for that one. I checked out a couple of your other posts today too. Me likey!

      Like

      • October 27, 2010 6:35 pm

        I’ve subscribed – I try to go through my blogroll at least once a week, and catch up with what everybody’s been up to… I’ll be back (aarrgghh – why do I hear Arnold Schwarzenneger saying that??)

        Like

  21. October 27, 2010 10:52 pm

    I would much rather have an open, honest and interesting whore than a close-minded and inexperienced “pure” person.

    Stay sexy, safe and interesting.

    Like

  22. Kendra permalink
    October 28, 2010 4:52 pm

    Read it. LOVED it. I think you make a good, valid point, well, many of them. I’m sure I could get into many comments. I will say, that I think that the American notion of sex being bad, sinful etc, is bad news for women in general. There are arguments that societies that are sexually accepting have little to no rape committed against their women. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to walk down a dark(er) street and not worry that a sexually repressed man is going to attack? Anyways, Yay! Crystal for putting it out there for all repressed people everywhere to examine themselves. Rock on.

    Like

    • October 28, 2010 4:55 pm

      Thank for the support, Kendra. I really need it! We’ll have to talk about this more the next time I see you.

      Like

  23. October 29, 2010 9:14 am

    Wow. This post is so open and honest. Being able to talk so frankly about your experience is very admirable.

    I have seen the exact same damage you have. I grew up in a denomination formed by Dutch immigrants to North America and was faced with the exact same negative lessons about sex. In high school, I attended a number of seminars through my youth group that said NOTHING but “Don’t have sex”. Usually in a very amusing, engaging way that, when picked apart, just talked around the topic instead of actually about the topic. Despite the knowledge that every sin is equal, the church seems to hold sexual sins at a higher level.

    For a long time while in university, I held similar ideas as your conclusions. I was in a long term relationship with a non-Christian boy who was not willing to take ‘I’m waiting’ as an answer. In the end, I gave in and used your same rationalizations as a way to avoid the guilt.

    However, when I met my husband, some of that guilt came back: he had waited. Ultimately, he didn’t care. But it bugged me. I knew that my experience had ultimately made me a stronger person. In fact, I believe that my failure to wait actually brought me closer to God, in some ways even mended my nearly broken relationship with God. But it was still a bit of a disappointment that my husband and I would not be embarking on our sexual journeys together.

    I no longer know where I stand on this issue. Consider our biology: we, as a society, are getting married later and later, but our sexuality is developing well before we get into any kind of marrying age. Could God really have expected us to defeat temptation when our bodies are working against us? Does he expect us to live with the guilt when we don’t? And what about people who remain unmarried, for whatever reason? Are they supposed to deny themselves the basics of human pleasure?

    The worst of it all is that no one wants to talk about this stuff in a way that applies to real life. I have so much respect for you being able to talk about it and being able to reach a point at which you are happy with yourself and your decisions.

    Ultimately, I don’t believe God wants us to live in a constant shroud of guilt. What use are we then?

    Like

    • October 29, 2010 4:01 pm

      Wow…what can I say except for thank you.

      Like

    • October 29, 2010 4:59 pm

      Hey Legato:

      No God did not want us to fight our bodies. That is why he set it where couple got married in their teens. As a society, we have thrwarted God’s plan and we are reaping the whirlwind.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

      Like

  24. Kristin permalink
    November 4, 2010 7:39 pm

    Crystal – I stumbled upon your blog through Beth’s blog, which I stumbled upon from someone else’s blog…anyway, I just wanted to say THANK YOU for writing this.

    Like many other commenters on here, I grew up in a very strict, legalistic church (though mine was Pentecostal) and went to Christian school growing up. I often struggled with being an affectionate (and sexual) person but feeling like it was dirty and sinful.

    I was scarred so badly from what the church had implanted in my brain..I started dating my boyfriend at age 17 and one year into it, we had sex; I felt like I had to marry him. I didn’t even like him. And I married him when I was 20. Because we had sex before we were married. And I couldn’t stand him. Shocker – once we got married, we had NO sex because I didn’t want to have sex with him. Because I didn’t like him. I felt locked into a lifetime relationship because I had sex with him before we were married. What a mess.

    Anyway, long story short, I found myself divorced at age 24 and trying to figure out where I stand on dating and sex and Christianity. I really enjoyed reading your post and found that it very nicely articulated many of my feelings/beliefs on it.

    Like

    • November 5, 2010 7:57 am

      Oh Kristen, I’m so glad it was helpful for you! That’s one of the reasons I wrote it. Of course the other reasons were things like, if I didn’t get it out I thought I might go crazy. I hope your journey leads you to a place where you can reconcile your beliefs about sex, spirituality and marriage. I do think a sexy girl can be a good girl. 😉

      Like

  25. marlowesnymph permalink
    November 10, 2010 1:49 am

    This was a very interesting post. I think I have too many things to say really. I guess I will just say that there are many churches out there that do not preach such awful things concerning sex. There are many out there that do, however, and I too was brainwashed by one of them. I’m still dealing with it. I think now I just believe that if two people have the same intentions concerning sex then it is fine. If one person goes in to it thinking that they are gaining intimacy and the other just wants the physical, well that’s where it gets complicated. Sex can be anything, everything, and nothing. For me personally, it’s a very important thing.

    Thanks for the post.

    Marlowesnymph.wordpress.com

    Like

  26. November 18, 2010 9:22 am

    Hi Crystal,

    I just came over here from Catherine’s blog actually. 😉 I have to say how…relieved I am to read your post. I grew up, not Baptist, but in an evangelical Pentecostal family. Church was the kind where people spoke in tongues and were slain in the spirit. Needless to say, sex before marriage was an absolute no-no.
    When I was 16 and in my freshman year of college, I lost my virginity to someone I loved and who loved me. It was beautiful, and I still don’t regret it. Since then, there have been other experiences, which aside from everything else, taught me a lot of lessons.

    One key thing- sex COMPLICATES things. Right and wrong aside, there is some aspect to sex that makes it hard to stay casual about it without also becoming a bit jaded. Something about sticking to the surface physical pleasure also means that you avoid experiencing deeper parts of the experience, and if you do go there, you get tangled up with the other person in ways that your relationship can’t handle if it’s not structured as a committed one.

    Over time, like you, I have struggled so much with guilt, and fear, and lust, and love. And I’m still working on all that, trying to see the way through the different threads of thought. If you’re familiar with the Lord of the Rings video, I’m always reminded of the image of Frodo trying to get through all the webs in the maze of Shelob’s (the big spider) cave. It was sticky, so he couldn’t move very fast. There was always more than one direction he could go. And all of the strands obscured his view, so he couldn’t see the end clearly, only that there was light coming from some direction.

    When my mother found out that I had had sex, she almost disowned me, and said some things that really hurt and which I still have a hard time forgiving- some things that a mother should never say to her daughter. It put a huge rift in our relationship, which is heartbreaking, because in many ways she was my best friend. So all images aside, it’s cathartic, and helpful, for me to read about the struggles of someone else going through the same thing.

    Thank you.

    Like

    • November 18, 2010 10:29 am

      I’m glad I could help and thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story. I agree that sex complicates things. I could probably write a whole book on that so I should probably write a blog about it.

      Like

  27. December 1, 2010 12:32 pm

    If both participants are not enthusiastic about it, its not sex. I mean I can’t understand what’s the difference between sticking your libido in a wall vs doing the same with a woman who’s trying to camouflage her desires. Its just like you are hungry, you don’t know how to eat with chop sticks, you want to do it your way but instead of picking up the damn bowl and swallowing it all you keep struggling with the chop sticks!!! result? disappointment… Do it the way you want it… Do it the way it pleases you and your partner…
    And yes, sex without guilty sure releases many tensions, otherwise it becomes a burden you’ve to carry around under the robe of chastity…
    PS: Awesome post Crystal, I’ve seen your latest posts and apparently you’re worried because of a delayed success. But believe me, you got something special, just keep hitting it hard. BTW give the waitress thing a shot, just for fun 😉

    Like

    • December 1, 2010 12:55 pm

      Thank you, Naeem. Your comments and your encouragement are very welcome and accepted. Thank you for letting us all know a little bit about how things are in your part of the world. I agree with your idea that “If premarital or extra marital sex has to be prohibited, get married must be made as easy as possible.” GREAT POINT. And thank you for letting me know that you think my work is special. That is very kind and I needed to be told that today.

      Like

  28. Aurora permalink
    December 20, 2010 11:20 pm

    I’m so glad to see another Christian who believes this. The Church has a huge issue with sex in general, and still have this horrible stigma that it’s dirty — and the Bible doesn’t ever say “premarital sex is bad.” It says “adultery is bad.” Cheating on your spouse is bad. We all agree. But as long as sex is safe and done for the right reasons (i.e. no one is forcing anyone else, etc.)…I don’t see how it can’t be a good thing even when you’re not married.

    So many props to you. So many. You win.

    Like

  29. Matt permalink
    April 16, 2015 3:22 pm

    This is very much like the environment i live in, Although the main difference is my religion doesn’t say how bad sex its, But the society and the people do that already so most women grow up thinking that they not supposed to have needs, and want to have sex otherwise they are “whore” so our bad society traditional doing it already.

    Now comes the religion we only supposed to have sex after marriage so combine this with the society most men and women get married and knowing nothing about sex most of them spend years suffering and the women end up living miserable lives.

    It’s very taboo topic to even talk and learn about it, I know all about the fear and guilt and how it even stop us from fully enjoying even the self-enjoyment, we even were taught that doing that is a sin, so there is guilt, shame associated with it. So just the act of doing it in fear stop us from enjoying it.

    Now my concern how long it takes to come over this guilt and shame, that is my big concern

    Like

  30. April 26, 2015 3:22 am

    I love your raw, naked, sweet writing, Crystal. ❤

    Like

Trackbacks

  1. Simply Solo Spotlight: Sexting – My (Not So) Guilty Pleasure « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey
  2. It’s Just Sex – A New Breed of Women | My Sex Seeker Blog

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