And Now…a Rant…
At this moment it sucks to be me. I’m full of something nasty. Anger I think. And it is centered on my work life which double-sucks because it is unavoidable. I have to face it again to some degree in a few short hours.
I’ve spoken to several people about it and it has alleviated the tension knots in my stomach briefly — but there seems to be no solution to the issue other than me just accepting the situation.
I want to scream. I think my jaw has been clenched most of the day and I have already cried briefly. And it is over something rather small. But to me it feels like an injustice. And that alone is enough to set my teeth on edge (Or clench them tightly together at least). But it is also something I perceive as an injustice against me.
That’s right, double AH! And I should be doing something else right now. But I’ve been sitting on my couch trying to suppress my fume by distracting myself with television. And right now I want someone to talk to. But no one is really available. And it would probably only alleviate the tension briefly again.
So I’m typing it up and sending it out into the Universe.
I wonder if I’ll get to sleep tonight. When my brain is spinning like this I rarely get a good nights’ sleep and I could really use it tonight (after working a 14-hour day yesterday, almost no sleep last night and then getting to work early today).
Oh, I know…It’s probably PMS. I was a little randy last week.
At any rate my brain is going insane right now and I’m all alone to boot.
I hate that my sister lives in another time zone and has been asleep for hours. I hate that my mom is old and has been asleep for hours. I hate that my best friend is on the phone with someone else. I hate that I was effectively stood up tonight and that I missed dinner with the french gallup anyway.
I had orange tic-tacs for dinner.
I wish there were a way for the average person to just drop out of life for a month (or six) every now and then without suffering drastic consequences. Like tonight I want to quit my job and get work doing something like waiting tables or being a janitor.
Something with fewer responsibilities. Something that allows me to use more of my brain power for myself. Hell, I really want a job that supports my life that only requires me to work 20 hours a week. You think there are any steady jobs around paying $30-50 an hour plus benefits that aren’t full-time?
If I did quit and become a waitress I would probably have to move in with my parents. I don’t want to do that. Not because I can’t handle the idea of living with my parents but because I don’t want to lose my apartment. Oh yeah…and I hate to move. HATE it!
It was bad enough back when I was dating a hulk of a man who would willingly trasport my items across town and haul my furniture up and down stairs. But now…well for those of you who have seen my apartment don’t you think I will probably have to leave my couch here when I move?
Yeah, me too.
Maybe it’s just the Senior News sucking me dry as it does every month (even though I love it). Maybe it’s that I’m not supposed to be at this job any more. Maybe I’m overwhelmed by the personal project I need to finish for Friday. Maybe it that I’m not done with my grad school aps yet and one is due at the end of the month.
And the thing is I know the Universe has some amzing things coming my way — but I am getting very impatient. Maybe that’s the problem. My impatience. Maybe that’s what is balling up at the bottom of my stomach tonight.
Maybe it’s the death of the doing me. I always want to do somethign about everything — even if there’s nothign to be done.
Should I take some extra time off to work on it? Call in sick for a week? Put in my notice and go job-hunting? I just want out. Universe, I need money so that I don’t have to trade my life away for a paltry sum each day. $200,000 should do the trick. Can you get on that for me? Please?