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And Now…a Rant…

November 17, 2010

At this moment it sucks to be me. I’m full of something nasty. Anger I think. And it is centered on my work life which double-sucks because it is unavoidable. I have to face it again to some degree in a few short hours.

I’ve spoken to several people about it and it has alleviated the tension knots in my stomach briefly — but there seems to be no solution to the issue other than me just accepting the situation.

AH!

I want to scream. I think my jaw has been clenched most of the day and I have already cried briefly. And it is over something rather small. But to me it feels like an injustice. And that alone is enough to set my teeth on edge (Or clench them tightly together at least). But it is also something I perceive as an injustice against me.

AH! AH!

That’s right, double AH! And I should be doing something else right now. But I’ve been sitting on my couch trying to suppress my fume by distracting myself with television. And right now I want someone to talk to. But no one is really available. And it would probably only alleviate the tension briefly again.

So I’m typing it up and sending it out into the Universe.

I wonder if I’ll get to sleep tonight. When my brain is spinning like this I rarely get a good nights’ sleep and I could really use it tonight (after working a 14-hour day yesterday, almost no sleep last night and then getting to work early today).

Oh, I know…It’s probably PMS. I was a little randy last week.

At any rate my brain is going insane right now and I’m all alone to boot.

I hate that my sister lives in another time zone and has been asleep for hours. I hate that my mom is old and has been asleep for hours. I hate that my best friend is on the phone with someone else. I hate that I was effectively stood up tonight and that I missed dinner with the french gallup anyway.

I had orange tic-tacs for dinner.

I wish there were a way for the average person to just drop out of life for a month (or six) every now and then without suffering drastic consequences. Like tonight I want to quit my job and get work doing something like waiting tables or being a janitor.

Something with fewer responsibilities. Something that allows me to use more of my brain power for myself. Hell, I really want a job that supports my life that only requires me to work 20 hours a week. You think there are any steady jobs around paying $30-50 an hour plus benefits that aren’t full-time?

If I did quit and become a waitress I would probably have to move in with my parents. I don’t want to do that. Not because I can’t handle the idea of living with my parents but because I don’t want to lose my apartment. Oh yeah…and I hate to move. HATE it!

It was bad enough back when I was dating a hulk of a man who would willingly trasport my items across town and haul my furniture up and down stairs. But now…well for those of you who have seen my apartment don’t you think I will probably have to leave my couch here when I move?

Yeah, me too.

Maybe it’s just the Senior News sucking me dry as it does every month (even though I love it). Maybe it’s that I’m not supposed to be at this job any more. Maybe I’m overwhelmed by the personal project I need to finish for Friday. Maybe it that I’m not done with my grad school aps yet and one is due at the end of the month.

And the thing is I know the Universe has some amzing things coming my way — but I am getting very impatient. Maybe that’s the problem. My impatience. Maybe that’s what is balling up at the bottom of my stomach tonight.

Maybe it’s the death of the doing me. I always want to do somethign about everything — even if there’s nothign to be done.

Should I take some extra time off to work on it? Call in sick for a week? Put in my notice and go job-hunting? I just want out. Universe, I need money so that I don’t have to trade my life away for a paltry sum each day. $200,000 should do the trick. Can you get on that for me? Please?

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. November 17, 2010 10:59 pm

    I love rants, but yeah that sucks.

    Like

    • November 17, 2010 11:02 pm

      Well, thank you for joining in on mine. I’ll probably feel better in the morning. Such is life.

      Like

  2. November 17, 2010 11:16 pm

    Sorry you’re feeling crappy. You can always come to my party this Saturday…. 🙂

    Like

  3. November 17, 2010 11:17 pm

    Hey Crystal,
    I was about to go to bed after my finding out about an upcoming frustrating work life situation. I too have been trying to distract myself, I made two of my fave comfort foods, but still feel like my brain is spinning. I saw your post and the title drew me in. I hope things get better for you, and I hope that this stressful work thing doesn’t suck all of your creative energies for your grad school apps! 🙂

    Like

  4. Jacqui permalink
    November 18, 2010 6:48 am

    Good for YOU, Crystal!

    I’m glad that I held back my urge to “fix it” last night! Sounds like you’ve had a wonderful opportunity to “process” those feelings! 🙂 Even though one might look at being “effectively stood up” and missing dinner with the Gallup/Frenches as a negative…It sounds to me like The Universe supplied You with just exactly what You required in that moment! 🙂

    Do I hear someone cursing me under their breath but at the same time saying; yes…you may be right?!

    Speaking from experience; I’ve found myself in similar surroundings…wondering why it is that I put up with “the stuff” that I do at work…why it seems that I work so hard only to find that I’m making less money now than I did 10 years ago and with fewer perceived benefits.

    Then…something happens…something “shifts” in The Universe…and a clearer understanding comes a nano-second before I’m ready to give it all up!!!

    As The Rev says; “Bless the mess” and consider what is seeking to emerge from YOU in this experience!

    Sometimes (I believe) the messier the mess…the greater the gift! And if my house speaks for that…then I’m soon to be opening an AWESOME gift! 🙂

    It won’t hurt my feelings if you choose not to print this post – I know that you have the first look. Just thought I’d share my 2 cents (again)! 🙂 I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

    Like

  5. November 18, 2010 8:41 am

    Slightly displaced. I am sorry you are feeling this way.
    I hope you are better as the day goes on.
    So. What are you going to do to help yourself?

    Like

    • November 18, 2010 10:28 am

      Well last night I wrote a blog…IMed a friend and went to bed. Right now, in the daylight, everything looks better. Well see how the evening goes tomorrow.

      Like

  6. November 19, 2010 10:30 am

    Sending happy thoughts your way. I’m having a really rough time at work right now too. Sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it at all. If you ever need to vent, you can email me (or even send me a quick email, and if I’m available we can talk on the phone)! Or if you see me on Facebook, send me a message. 🙂 I know I don’ t know you IRL, but maybe it would help to have an outsider listen. And I’ll only give advice if you ask for it. I’m a firm believer that everyone just needs to vent sometimes and hear, “That sucks!” or “Those bitches!” Or “I undestand why you are upset.” You don’t always need advice or counsel.

    On that note …

    It sounds like what you are going through sucks.

    Whoever perpetuated an injustice against you are now being called “those bitches” in my mind.

    I understand why you are upset, and I hope it gets better.

    Good luck!!

    Like

  7. November 19, 2010 5:56 pm

    yep life sure can suck and then WHAM!!!! you will forget you have been there…nice to know you can send the negative emotions into the Universe, BEST “in the moment” remedy. It is like going on top of a mountain and hollering like Jane, well Tarzan lol. Hope that all will fall into place soon! HERE’S TO A BETTER TOMORROW

    Like

    • November 20, 2010 10:48 am

      Thanks for all the kind compliments guys! The day after I wrote this was much better and the day after that was even better. Today I’m feeling very good and my work worries in particular have dissolved.

      Like

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