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Love and Sex and Magic…

February 14, 2011

What makes a man decide he wants more from a woman than just sex? Or domestic favors?

After several offers for purely sexual arrangements from several men the first week of February I was reeling quite a bit. I can’t help but wonder why, if someone is looking for a purely physical experience one wouldn’t choose a person for purely physical reasons. And if you are going to bother using other qualifications to chose a lover, why not just choose a girlfriend.

But above all of that, I started to feel objectified. Like something simply valued for it’s use. These men found value in me in as much as they could use me. Much like a person with wet hands might find a paper towel incredibly valuable for that one moment. But then after wiping his or her hands — all dry a clean again — the towel was suddenly worth nothing and left as refuse.

And I’m worth so much more than a paper towel. And, as powerful as my personal sexuality is, I’m worth so much more than it as well. There are so many other things about who I am what I want out of life and what I can offer a partner — or even a friend or acquaintance — that I can’t understand why a man would want nothing but sex from me.

Beyond that, when a man says that he doesn’t need any romantic entanglements, but he’d like to start a sexual relationship with you its hard not to feel like someone just said to you, “I’d like to have sex with you because I know I won’t fall in love with you.”

Really? You know you won’t fall in love with me? How am I supposed to take that as anything but an insult? Does that mean that you have already weighed all of the things you know about me and my personality and decided I’m not worth getting close to? What makes you think you know enough about me to make that kind of decision.

One day I was livid over lunch. My brain swirling with all of these ideas. So I chose to text every man in my phone (except for the ones currently propositioning me). Some of the guys are ex-boyfriends. Some are ex-lovers. There’s even a current lover in the mix. Some have wanted to date me and some are my good friends. I found their answers incredible so I decided to open this up for further discussion.

So, back to the question: What makes a man decide he wants more from a woman than just sex? Or domestic favors?

I will post some of the answers I got via text later. But for now I want your answers.

P.S. And , if you aren’t comfortable commenting here, feel free to send me an e-mail and I will ask a few more questions, obscure your identity and then post it on the blog. 😉

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. February 14, 2011 9:06 am

    Youy have every right to be angry. In part it is women’s fault. Far too many women give sex hoping for a relationship. This just encourages men to use them and move on to the next conquest. I tell all of my clients to not engage in sex unless and until there is a committed monagamous relationship. I know it runs a lot of guys off, cut those guys you want to run off anyway. You have to command respect from men. These player guys make it bad for the rest of us good guys.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

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  2. February 14, 2011 9:43 am

    You are right I did not answer the question. To me it is when a women becomes my best friend who will always have my back. A woman who builds me up instead of seeing her job to tear me down and rebuild me. A woman who is not high strung and does not yell but expresses disagreements with me with quiet confidence and allows me to defend my point of view even if I am wrong. A woman who will never say I told you so. A woman who is supportive and loving. Kind of like a dog, and please don’t take that negatively. A dog is always there for you and always loves you unconditionally, who seeks to comfort you when you are down and loves to play with you.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

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  3. Joel Harris permalink
    February 14, 2011 11:29 am

    To give an analogy, what would you say if someone came to you offering you a $50 gift card to your favorite shop with absolutely no strings attached? I think the answer is obvious and I think you see the application to the scenario you propose. I don’t think this is a shock to you. But going to the “so what” of your question…What makes a man decide he wants more from a woman than just sex? Or domestic favors? The simple answer is that the man feels that the relationship fulfills a deeper longing. Sex to a man is first a primal urge while emotional fulfillment in the context of a relationship is secondary. The opposite is generally true for women. (I know it’s a bit more complicated than that but bear with me…) Generally speaking a man will accept an offer for sex without strings because it meets a primal need and provides instant gratification. But it’s important to note that if given the option, the man would like to have both the primary and secondary need met. The sexual urge is pretty constant for men, but in the long run there is something that men long for that makes them want to commit. A whole lot of factors contribute but what it boils down to is the feeling that he is esteemed. What a man wants from his woman is to feel bigger and greater because of her. A man can deal with all the crap of the world if he can come home and be lifted up by his woman. He can have the most mundane, pointless job if he can come home and feel that he is superman to one person. I’m not talking about flattery or false presentation, and I’m certainly not talking about dominance/submission in the relationship. If a man feels he carries the respect of his wife, then it has a way of making sexual needs secondary, but it also makes sexual expression more fulfilling (and more often for that matter).

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    • February 16, 2011 9:02 am

      Thank you so much for your perspective. I really appreciate you spending the time to think about and write about this topic — as well as your willingness to share with my readers!

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  4. Michelle permalink
    February 14, 2011 1:23 pm

    So, I have 3 people’s responses which kind of all fall within similar lines of thinking. They are shortened and paraphrased because I wasn’t taking notes.

    1. 53 year old male, single, divorced twice, successful business owner and motivational speaker:
    He wants the mind, the body, the intimacy, the spirituality, the kindness, the whole nine yards and then some. He doesn’t look for relationships, and he can appreciate the beauty and sexiness of a woman. He is old enough and mature enough to not ask for anything physical until long after he has experienced everything else mentioned previously. His decision is based on him looking out for himself and his values, but also wanting to protect the values of the women he is around. One thing he said to me is that it’s easy to find the girl that can make you feel good for a little while – it takes minimal effort from either one of you. It’s extremely difficult to find the girl that can make you feel good all the time and that makes you want to be the best possible you. He wants the second girl and won’t settle for anything less.

    2. 29 year old male, married, first marriage, soldier:
    His also came down to the things he wanted. He wanted someone to support him, to treat him well. He was about to leave for Germany, so he wanted someone who would be faithful and committed as well as willing to make efforts to support and help him from afar. He wanted someone who would be a good stepmom for his son. He had already almost settled down twice, and knew it was with the wrong girl both times. He’d had his share of one night stands and friends with benefits. He had finally reached a point where he no longer wanted the booty call. He wanted a girl for the long run. He wanted a girl that would make him want to put in the effort to keep her for himself even from an ocean away.
    3. 28 year old female, second marriage, Army wife and Jill-of-all-trades at the local Credit Union:
    Thus far, the common theme has been what each person wants. I can’t say that I argue. When I first met my husband I was very emotionally damaged, but enjoying being a working mom standing on her own two feet supporting herself and her child. I was the only girl working among a large group of guys and it was nice to not want anything from any of them besides a paycheck and some decent lunchtime conversation. I was happy with my personal dynamic staying exactly as it was for a while. Sure, I wanted a man to come home to… eventually. A good father figure for my son… eventually. A duel income… eventually. A husband… EVENTUALLY! What I wanted NOW was a backrub and some physical contact. Seriously. Not only am I not ashamed to admit it, but I will also point out that I recently read an article that as many as 17% of marriages these days begin as a casual hookup. Another blog described our generation as a “hookup culture” claiming that there is no comfortable description or title to squeeze between hooking up and being married. I lucked out. The things I wanted to actively pursue in 3-5 years fell into my lap unexpectedly, and I can honestly say that I feel better about this relationship almost 3 years later than I did on my wedding day to my first husband.
    All in all, it’s not as simple as walking into a room and categorizing everyone: a)hottie I’ll never talk to, b)potential relationship, c)booty call, etc. It comes down to what a person is looking for at that moment. Not to say that can’t change. I have personally had known several men profess love for a woman and pursue a relationship after what was supposed to be a quick fling or no-strings-attached-friends-with-benefits arrangement. I also agree with a previous post that for men sex is the first urge while relationships are secondary. This is especially true for younger men. It can be insulting when it seems all that they want from you is sex, but sex might be the only thing that they want at that moment from anyone. Perhaps they feel that their friendship, intimacy, and love needs are being fulfilled in other ways. Even relationships that both people want to keep are work because each person must find how to communicate their love in a way that the other person understands and appreciates.

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    • February 16, 2011 9:05 am

      Michelle, thank you so much! I really appreciate you doing some research of your own on this topic! Interesting that the answers overlapped. I’m sort of feeling like the “Just Sex” box isn’t one that a lot of men are willing to let a woman crawl out of. But maybe that’s all the Christian Dogma I’ve been programmed with over the years.

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  5. February 16, 2011 9:19 pm

    Crystal, just catching up on these posts. I think it’s brave you’ve asked these questions… and the answers are very interesting to read. I guess it’s different for every guy, but I think it’s total BS that all you’ve bee propositioned with is sexual encounters in the recent past. I’m wondering if you have to analyze not just why these people want these things with you — but why did you select them to be interested in in the first place? I know NOTHING about your situation, so I don’t mean to presume (and hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way), but is there any way you are purposely selecting guys for which there is no real chance? Maybe out of fear or maybe not anything so deep, but maybe you are just attracted to those kinds of guys? Maybe switching things up on your end could help as well. Might be totally off base here… but just throwing it out there. Want the best for you – and you deserve the best!

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    • February 16, 2011 9:36 pm

      You’re thinking some of the same things I was thinking. And actually the whole reason I asked these guys this question was because I was wondering if I could figure out what I might be doing to keep getting these kinds of offers. I’m not making a lot of headway.

      I’ve asked some friends for feedback and been told that I “Ooze sex,” so that might be working against me in some respects. But I still don’t see how that could be the most attractive thing about me. Like I said in this post there is so much more to me that is also really oozing out. Plus, I don’t have the hottest bod. I imagine if a person is looking for a purely physical interaction he/she would chose based on physical qualifications/attribites.

      One friend suggested that I might be too open when talking about sex. And the truth is I was purposely putting a seuxal vibe out there a few months back when all I wanted was a purely sexual realtionship. I decided I was done with that a few months back, maybe the vibe is still out there.

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  6. Robert DeBeaux permalink
    August 27, 2011 6:18 pm

    So, back to the question: What makes a man decide he wants more from a woman than just sex? Or domestic favors?

    Men, just as women, love being challenged and loved. I feel the problem people face is selfishness.
    If a guy loves you, he puts you first. All the time, everytime.
    If you love a man, you put him first, all the time everytime.
    Problems come in when people (men and women) take and do not give back. This drains you.
    So if you find the mate you think is the ONE…. abstain from sex. There is much more to do than roll around in the hay. If that is all you can find to do, then keep looking, because that is what he will do too.

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