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More Than Sex: Dell

February 15, 2011

Dell is 27, single, never-married and he has no children. He currently works a photographer. We met a few years back and became friends. When he moved to my state things changed a bit. Now we have sex every couple of months when he’s in town on assignment or driving through for vacation. I’m currently trying to figure out if there is a way to get out of that arrangement without hurting his feelings. (The sex is great, but I’d like a boyfriend.)

What makes a man decide he wants more from a woman than just sex? Or domestic favors?

Dell: I have no idea. I haven’t reached that point yet. When I do I’ll let you know.

Me Great, well thanks for your honesty I guess.

Dell: Why, What’s going on?

Me: The only invitations I’m getting are sexual ones. No dates. Just fucking. It’s making me feel disposable. And lonely.

Me (again): Maybe I should start charging. I could pay for grad school.

Dell: I’m sorry to hear that. If it makes you feel any better I’m not getting any invitations for anything.

Me: Are you saying you’re lonely too?

Dell: Not exactly lonely. But I’ve learned to cope with loneliness.

Me: Is there anyone you’re interested in getting to know? Or even fucking?

Dell: Yes, but it’s hard for me to commit to anything when I don’t know if I’ll be living here in a year.

Me: Just dating doesn’t have to be that big of a commitment. And you could enjoy another person for the next year. And she could enjoy you.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. Nathan permalink
    February 15, 2011 10:12 am

    This man is being selfish! Who is he to know whether committing to (or even dating) a woman will or won’t change his “plans for himself?” To answer your question from your previous blog – as a Christian, it was the other way around for me. I wanted to date someone that I was interested in getting to know first and then, hopefully, become best friends, and then possibly, get married, and THEN have sex with her. The best sex is when we know the commitment will always be there. It helps me to be able to give everything to this person without fear of being “used” and then “discarded.” Hope this isn’t too preachy or churchy, but I really believe it gives greater value to people.


    • February 15, 2011 10:48 am

      Hey Nate I really appreciate your perspective on here and I don’t want you to ever feel bad about giving you perspective as a Christian man. Anyone who thinks it sounds too preachy or too churchy is free to respond and I’ll back you up! You’re a very sweet man and your deviation from the standard is a great voice to have as part of the discussion on this blog. Thank you for commenting!


      • Nathan permalink
        February 15, 2011 11:32 am

        You’re welcome. Thanks for your kind words. You are a gifted writer and, while I find myself disagreeing with you many times I respect your honesty and your willingness to ask questions real people ask.


  2. Jeremy Geerdes permalink
    February 15, 2011 11:22 am

    I’m with Nathan on this as well. But I really want to say that I am so sorry that you have felt disposable and lonely. No one should feel disposable. Ever. Sex is supposed to be the single most intimate thing two people can possibly do together. In other words, it’s supposed to be exactly the opposite of what you’ve unfortunately experienced. And when God considered all of creation, He found that the one and only thing that was not good in the whole things was that man was alone. So He made woman and designed marriage to be the perfect solution to the problem.

    Crystal, you are a real masterpiece – unique, capable, and called – because God made you that way. Don’t let anyone tell you – or treat you – otherwise.


    • February 15, 2011 11:24 am

      Aw…my fellas. Thank you Jeremy. I wish I had had your cell number so that I could have texted you on this issue. Maybe I’ll find a way to force a guest post out of you!


  3. February 15, 2011 11:30 am

    There was a time when I thought getting laid would resolve all my problems. But now that I’ve done everything, and I keep getting a regular dose of “it”, I still am distressed.
    I think there ain’t nothing objective a man seeks in a woman. You can’t just create a formula like
    IF(the woman can do this AND the woman has that AND the woman wil blah blah blah) THEN
    the man will stay committed to the her
    he will run away

    You get into a relationship(not physical necessarily) you get used to each other, and finally you say “that’s it, i gotta get her somehow”…


    • February 15, 2011 11:38 am

      I see your point, Naeem. I understand that you do’t like the idea of boiling it down to a formula. But the truth is there are things that unite all of us. There are things that men have in common — especially when it comes to women an certain cultures. I’m just trying to ferret out some of those common ties.

      Thank you so much for your perspective and for adding your voice to this conversation. I need to know what the men think about this or we lose the truth available in the situation.


  4. February 15, 2011 2:41 pm

    well, I am committed to a girl I never had sex with, we won’t do it before marriage as she’s too religious (fact is I don’t like contraceptives). We are very well aware of each other’s habbits. *** First thing, she understands when to shoot questions, and when to just be with me. *** Secondly I like her because of her truthful nature, I tell her what she asks and she tells me what I ask her then we leave the decision on other end. Yes we fight over things, there have been almost break ups but one on us comes back with a rose behind the back always 😉
    There are many other things, but I just gave you my highest ranked other then sex and domestic favors.


  5. Jeremy Geerdes permalink
    February 15, 2011 5:28 pm

    Naeem hits the nail on the head. The ability to be honest with someone is integral to the ability to commit to a real relationship. After all, it is that ability to share back and forth that comprises a real relationship. Without wanting to sound preachy or become the Bible thumper here, there is a reason why God noted (through Moses) in Genesis 2:25 that Adam and Eve were both naked. The first two chapters of Genesis omit too many other details for this to be just about physical nudity. He’s talking about the ability to be naked emotionally, spiritually, emotionally, and any other way you can possibly think of. That means that you are completely exposed to know and be known. It means that even though there will still be a gradual exploration of each other which lasts your entire lives, there are no secrets, no cover-ups, no locked closets between you. And then He adds that, though they were naked, they felt no shame. The truth is that, if you’re going to be completely honest and open with someone – anyone – they will inevitably discover something less than flattering about you, and you will invariably discover something less than flattering about them. The no shame part of this dictates that we don’t hold those faults, weaknesses, failures, etc., against them.

    Oh, Crystal! If there was one thing that I could pray for you – or anyone, for that matter, it would be that you would settle for nothing less than this sort of relationship, in which sex ultimately becomes a minor detail, the very tip of the much, much larger iceberg!

    And you have allowed me to be your friend on Facebook. You could always message me there 🙂


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