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Avoiding the Summer

February 17, 2011
Sunset, woman, window

It seems so silly to me to avoid the Summer just because Fall is coming. Maybe Fall won't be what you expect.

Everything in life is fleeting, right? I mean a person doesn’t avoid getting a massage because it’s only going to last 60 minutes do they? Or avoid the summer because the fall is on the way? Or decide not to eat food because once you eat it it will be gone? (I know I don’t.)

But for some reason when it comes to love it is considered the logical choice to avoid a relationship because it can’t last. I’ve had several men tell me this very thing in the past two weeks and it may even be why my last boyfriend nipped things in the bud.

Heck, the lawyer couldn’t even manage to commit to asking me on a date because I was going to be going to grad school in a year. And last week a man asked me if I would be interested in being his sex buddy until I left for grad school. Not his girlfriend…just sex. Because, “What would be the point when we’re both leaving in the fall?”

Humm…

Another friend of mine recently said he isn’t pursuing any relationships because he doesn’t know if he’ll be living in the same place next year. So he’s just going to forego dating until then. He also said, “what’s the point.” Maybe that makes perfect sense to the majority of you reading this, but I just can’t get it to line up with anything logical in my brain.

See me…I savor things. Or I try to anyway. Cause nothing last forever, right?

Anyway, last year when I took a lover the man I chose was in a similar place. He didn’t see himself permanently settling in the Hills so finding love in the Hills seemed like a futile pursuit to him. Of course that didn’t mean he didn’t want sex. (Although he only wanted it over my lunch breaks and that was NOT working for me.) Again he used the phrase, “What’s the point?”

Well, what is the point? If you’re going to boil it all down to it’s essence what’s the point of dating? I know a lot of us do it for a lot of reasons. But for me, at this time in my life I think the point would be to enjoy another person and to be enjoyed by another person. And I don’t just mean physically.

To laugh together. Create memories. Maybe build something. Maybe not. But to forego that because there’s no guarantee that it will last seems like a waste. Sure, I’m leaving. I’m planning on doing so in the fall. Maybe I’ll go sooner. Maybe later. I don’t know. But I don’t want to decide there’s no point until I have it all figured out and I‘m all settled down in one place. Honestly, I can’t imagine a time when I will have it all figured out.

Maybe this is a guy thing. Maybe it’s specific to those guys. Either way I can’t help but think that it is a small way to live. Maybe it can only last the summer. But even if it has to end I’d rather have been in love this summer than to have stayed inside avoiding the sun because I knew that fall was on it’s way.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. 2blu2btru permalink
    February 17, 2011 11:36 am

    I think this just may be specific to where people are in their lives. I’ve never dated just to date; I’ve always had it in mind that I would like to be married. The older I get *ahem* the less time I have for fleeting romances.

    I think guys think relationships are important when it’s leading somewhere. As my friend put it in a guest post he wrote for me, men like to know what their purpose is in a relationship. Maybe that’s why they keep asking, “What’s the point?”

    Some people can go with the flow and see where a relationship is going. Some people can enjoy it for however long it lasts. But some people won’t invest unless it’s about forever. I’m sure you’ll find someone on the same wavelength and in the same place in life as you to be with.

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    • February 17, 2011 1:47 pm

      I guess my point is that if you avoid every relationship because you assume it will end (Or don’t know how it will end) you’ll never be in any relationships. Just because I’m planning on going to graduate school in the fall doesn’t mean that a relationship has to end. It doesn’t even mean that I’ll be going to graduate school. That’s just the plan for now. A lot of things can — and should — alter a plan.

      I spent several years right after college not living a full life because I wasn’t planning on staying. I didn’t decorate my house, I didn’t date, I didn’t try very hard at my job — all because I was planning on leaving. Didn’t happen. And I was living a small life in the meantime based on a plan that didn’t pan out.

      And how am I to know what the point of a relationship is until I’m in it? I mean, if I know we aren’t compatible and it has no possibility of being a long-term success then there is no point. But if I don’t know that — not for sure — then the point would be to explore another person and see if there is more there. To write a person off before even entering a relationship with him or her is silly. Not to mention mean.

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      • 2blu2btru permalink
        February 17, 2011 2:35 pm

        Sadly, I think most people can be silly & mean, especially if they’ve been hurt before. I do understand the whole “not waiting to begin life” angle. But some people know what they want, and if it’s not a real relationship, for whatever reason, then them getting involved with someone looking for more than fun won’t go so well. Someone will get hurt. I think if the feelings they had for any particular person were strong enough they would alter their plan, or at least seriously consider it. If not, then it’s probably best that they don’t lead anyone on.

        I know that I don’t date just to date or for fun. If I’m interested in getting to know someone, I prefer the casual friend route. If it develops, cool. If not, then I have a new friend. Everyone’s approach is different. Being caught up with someone whose feelings on what the relationship is doesn’t coincide with yours can get hurtful, bitter and unproductive–said from personal experience. I just let people figure out what they want for themselves–whether they are wrong or not in my opinion. It’s their choice.

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  2. February 17, 2011 8:23 pm

    I am currently in a wonderful, crazy, fabulous relationship that has absolutely NO future (unless one of us (him) decides to make some major life changes I doubt he will ever make). My friends thinbk I am crazy and wasting my time. I completely understand why they say this. However, despite all the drawbacks, I know these things to be true…I love him madly, deeply, unconditionally…He loves, adores and respects me…the time we do have together is more amazing than any other relationship I have ever been in. Is it likely that I will end up with my heart broken? Absolutely. Is that a risk I am willing to take at this point in my life? Completely, totally, and with only a modicum of fear that I choose to ignore. Would this work for most people? No way. I am thrilled that it is working for me at this point in my life. Thought provoking post, indeed. Thanks.

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  3. February 22, 2011 8:19 pm

    I think part of the reason I might avoid a relationship if I was moving or something similar would be because I know me. I know how I can fall into something and let it consume me. It can feel wonderful, amazing, perfect… but I’m afraid it will make me not reach my goals. So, if I were planning on moving to another city to start a new career or something in 6 months, I definitely wouldn’t date in the meantime. Because I’d be afraid of getting side tracked. I know I can easily convince myself not to chase my dreams (by convincing myself that my new dreams are better). I see your point too, to enjoy life and everything it has to offer and all these relationships have to offer, but I’m a little realistic about how easily swayed I can be by love and and I wouldn’t want to take the chance of losing my dreams.

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    • February 22, 2011 8:41 pm

      Very good point. And I think that’s an issue for a lot of women. I am at a point now in my life though where I will not be stopped — not when it comes to this goal anyway. However, I might be okay with being delayed. Especially because finding a lasting love is pretty high on my personal list of goals too.

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