Raise Your Hand if You’re on a Diet
Me too. Today I started a new one.
And last night I made the mistake of updating my Facebook status to reflect the upcoming change: “Okay, the play is over and I’m starting a new diet tomorrow. And I’m newly inspired. I just took a look at a few of the photos from the cast party…who is that fat girl wearing my clothes?”
I thought I was just being funny. But apparently, what I was really doing was opening myself up for a bunch of unwanted dieting advice.
Don’t start everything all at once.
Don’t call it a diet.
Do change one thing every day.
Don’t call yourself fat.
Don’t try so hard.
Do exercise with me.
Holy Crap — who asked you? I mean my status update did have a question in it, but those are not the answers to the question I asked.
“…who is that fat girl wearing my clothes?”
Well that’s you, Crystal…silly.
Maybe I should have followed up the status posting with a little lesson in common sense (which my boss is constantly telling me isn’t so common) about how it’s rude to give people advice they don’t ask for. And me, well I’m stubborn. If I haven’t asked you I’m likely to do the opposite of what you advise — no matter how good your suggestion is. So it’s better for both of us if you don’t give me unsolicited advice…about anything. Especially the things I chose to put into my mouth.
Humm…I think I know what my next status update is going to be.
Anyway, why do women jump out of their skin when this topic comes up? I know I do (but I think I know why that is). I’m crazy emotional about all of this. I mean I started crying when I told my doctor’s receptionist that I was overweight. That’s it, that’s all I said.
She said, “Is there anything else you’d like to talk to the doctor about during your appointment?”
“Well, I am overweight,” I said — and then I just started bawling. I was even sitting at my desk at work. Talk about embarrassing.
Why was I crying? Well I haven’t completely figured it out yet, but I know that it has nothing to do with my diet. Or with how I feel about myself as a person. Okay, wait. Those things do have something to do with each other. What I mean is, I know my diet and how I feel about myself as a person are not the cause of these emotions. (The emotions are attached to something else. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s a bunch of crap about men. Really, I haven’t completely figured it out — otherwise I probably wouldn’t burst into tears just admitting to a stranger that I’m overweight.)
So my diet, size and self-esteem don’t cause the emotions. But these emotions do sort of have a causal effect on my diet, size and self-esteem. Sounds like a cycle in the works to me. What do you think?
Yes, I’m calling it a diet, cause we are all on a diet — of course not all of us are on a restrictive diet for the purpose of losing weight. What you eat is your diet. Period. So, it’s STUPID not to call it that. I’m sorry if you consider “diet” to be one of the dirty 4-letter words. You will just have to get over it. I’m on a NEW diet. And, yes, I’m emotional about it. (And anger is clearly one of the emotions.)
So, this diet is kind of crazy. I’ll admit that. Every morning I’m supposed to take a hormone the doctor gave me and each day I’m supposed to limit my food intake to 500 calories. Don’t freak out folks. And seriously, don’t give me advice or warnings about how I should diet — I don’t want your opinion, I already got my DOCTOR’s opinion.
So, about my doctor’s opinion and advice. I guess the hormone is supposed to keep me from being hungry and tell my body to start metabolizing fat. Sounds like a great plan, right? Personally, I would probably shoot for 1000 calories a day at the lowest. But I can try this. So far there is just one problem.
It’s 8:40 a.m. and I’m already hungry.
Like CRAZY hungry. I don’t know if the hormone didn’t soak in like it’s supposed to or if it just isn’t going to work, but when I started typing this post I was on hour 3 and fading fast. It is going to be a challenge not to binge at lunch. And I don’t know if I have the self-discipline to resist.
I knew I should have gotten rid of all the food that isn’t on my diet from my apartment last night. At this rate it is going to be REALLY difficult not to tear into a can of Chef Boyardee ravioli at lunch time. And those are really not on the diet. Like they are kind of the opposite of this diet.
I couldn’t take it. I already ate my afternoon snack. It was like 10 a.m. So I guess I have technically already broken the diet. Damn! Maybe I should call my doctor’s office during my afternoon break (you know, when I would have been eating my afternoon snack) and let them know. Maybe I can get a pep talk from one of the nurses. Or some advice on how to make it till lunch!
Dude, if I’m this hungry after dinner it is going to be killer not to eat all night long while I’m home on my couch.
Anyway, wish me luck…