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Lover Men

April 15, 2011

Last summer I wanted a lover. (Hell, I wanted one the summer before that too.) But the truth is, it’s harder to arrange than one might think — especially in a practical and responsible way.

Honestly, the people who find such arrangements appealing don’t want to be practical or responsible about it. They wanna be spontaneous. Which sounds nice, but really it just means they don’t want to think about the consequences of their actions. They don’t want the responsibility. That’s my theory anyway. I think that if they were okay with responsibility they would be fine with a relationship rather than liking the idea of sex without a relationship. More on that later…

So I wanted a lover. Guilt-free sex was a new toy for me. I wanted to play with it. I wanted to experiment. I wanted to try a few things out. Like sex outdoors. I’ve never done that, and it sounds like fun. Anyway, I asked a few fellas about a lover arrangement and tried a few of the guys out. A couple of the guys stuck for a while. But, honestly, I didn’t get very much out of the whole thing.

And I still haven’t gotten to have sex outdoors.

Sure playing with the boys was exciting for a while. Very briefly in fact, like the first and maybe the second go-round. But, overall, not too satisfying. Not even sexually satisfying. One guy only wanted to meet over lunch. One guy couldn’t be bothered to see me more than once every few months. One guy couldn’t get it up and another lives in another time zone.

So I tried. Really I did.

But, ideally, I wanted sex at least once a week and I wanted some human consideration about the whole thing. I mean over a lunch hour is fun now and then, but all the time? Not if my eyeliner has to look good in the afternoons (and it does). And really 30 minutes isn’t enough time to get the job all the way done sometimes. Not when I know there is a time constraint. It creates a mental block. And it certainly cuts down on the spontaneity or on the ideas for trying new things.

For example, over a lunch hour isn’t enough time to find a spot in the woods or a public bathroom to desecrate.

Honestly out of all of the contenders the guy who lives in another time zone was really the best one for the job, but yeah, he lives in another time zone! And the other guys…well, the issues there are obvious, right?

So I cut each of the fellas loose in one way or another. I’ve sort of decided that I can’t have a fulfilling sexual relationship outside of a fulfilling emotional relationship. At least that’s the way it seems for now. (I just never felt safe enough to suggest that a guy choke me or throw me against a wall.)

Which leads me back to the responsibility and spontaneity thing. Spontaneous is usually dangerous. Sex outside of a committed relationship is usually dangerous too. Physically, emotionally, mentally. And I found that it’s almost as much work as being in a relationship. But there’s no way to get as much out of it as one can get out of a relationship. No strings equals no depth. (no “duh”s from the audience, please.)

The way it all boiled down once I was able to have a lover is that we weren’t “friends with benefits” because we weren’t really friends and it wasn’t much of a benefit. We were just naked strangers who wanted something from one another but didn’t know one another well enough to feel comfortable giving (or even taking) much of anything.

And really that meant the sex wasn’t even that good. Like I said, maybe the first time it was good. But after that the expectation was that we would just do it and he didn’t need to persuade me in any way or get me hot enough to want it. We were just going to do it so he did as little as he could to ensure the end result.

Now that I’m this side of the experience it all looks so different. When I was looking for a lover I wanted to play with my new toy. But from this vantage point the playing wasn’t all that fun. And I never felt safe enough to experiment all that much. And it was all meaningless.

I gave my body pretty fully and I was totally myself and the men still only wanted the sex. They didn’t want more of me. And it’s so obvious that there is so much more to me than just my lady parts. My humor. My perspectives. My intelligence. Really I am a lot of fun – even if I’m clothed. I’m worth spending time with – even if we keep things PG.

Besides, these guys were also sort of ensuring that I would stay single. Sort of cosmic placeholders keeping love out of my life. So now they are gone and I’m going to let the void exist. I trust that the Universe will fill it.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. Just Saying permalink
    April 15, 2011 12:54 pm

    Love it! You said it so clearly what many of us are too afraid to admit.
    Well done.


  2. April 15, 2011 12:59 pm

    “No strings equals no depth” what a true & beautiful line…


    • just saying permalink
      April 15, 2011 4:57 pm

      We were just naked strangers who wanted something from one another but didn’t know one another well enough to feel comfortable giving (or even taking) much of anything.

      We were just going to do it so he did as little as he could to ensure the end result.


  3. dave c permalink
    April 15, 2011 7:17 pm

    I don’t mean to trivialize your post, but trying to find boardgame partners that really get ME— some of the same volume you’re talking about.

    I totally concede that love is a much more deep level, but it’s like, “Com’on, I’m more than just an opponent that moves pieces!!!!”

    ……or coupled friends. I’m hoping it’s just that Jill and I suck, but we can’t find a coupled set of friends where we really connect, because we don’t see each other more than once ever 2-3 months. We can talk, we can drink together, but I don’t feel like we really know eachother or that they’re worth getting to know because it’s just going to be 3 more months before we see them again—if that.


    • April 16, 2011 5:29 pm

      I don’t feel trivialized in any way! And I htink I can relate to you struggles a bit. I’m trying out some new friends right now and sometimes I just don’t click with folks.


  4. Kris permalink
    April 15, 2011 7:24 pm

    One of these days you are going to find the one person who is perfect for you – – who wants your mind and your body. And then it won’t stop at sex outside 🙂 And you will have your spontanaety and it will always be hot.


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