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One Order of Love With Some Hot Sex on the Side…Here’s Your Change.

May 16, 2011

If your love life were a restaurant, what would you order off the menu?

My post a few months back about so-called “nice guys” finishing last stirred up a lot of anger and frustration. Mostly among men whom, I suspect label themselves as “nice guys” as an excuse for their lack of romantic bravery. Or truly nice guys who didn’t understand the distinction I was drawing between them and “nice guys.”

Anyway, one of the things that several of these “nice guys” brought up was the idea that a person shouldn’t have to change who he or she is in order to find or to be in love. I suppose this sentiment shouldn’t have surprised me, because it is a pretty widely-accepted idea. In fact, if I recall, the idea wasn’t even challenged in the comments on the post.

But you know what…I don’t agree.

In fact, I think the concept is among the wide-spread and blindly-accepted LIES of our culture. I mean, I guess if you’re perfect the way you are then sure, don’t change. But, if you aren’t working on being the best version of yourself, what makes you think anyone will want to pair up with you?

Now I’m not suggesting that a person should be modified recklessly like a meal off a menu: I’ll take the tall one, but change his hair and give him a sense of humor and a better job. Or I like that funny brunette girl, but she has got to lose some weight and watch what she says in public…and on her blog.

That’s not the way to go. But, I do think that if you want to date better people you might need to become a better person. In order to become fully-actualized humans, I think we all have to overcome some of our conditioning at the very least. And relationships are good for that.

A staging ground for change, if you will.

Beyond that, if you are completely unwilling to change while within a relationship how long do you really think your relationship will last? At the very least, most of us need to work on our relationship skills — right?

Now, maybe you shouldn’t have to change to get together with the person you love, but you sure as hell will need to change in order to stay with him or her for any length of time, because we’re all changing all the time.

Maybe not in fundamental ways like our personality or the deepest parts of who we are, but tastes change, habits change, lifestyles change. Heck, sometimes a person’s hair will suddenly become curly when it’s been straight for his or her entire life.

And if your goal is to fit into someone else’s life and to fit together as an intimate pairing, I think some changes will need to be made. And, like so many other things in life, it’s a balancing act. Too much change and you aren’t yourself anymore. Not enough change and you’re no longer a pair.


Is it okay for me to cut my hair short because that’s what my fella likes? Or to quit drinking? Or to have sex when I don’t want to? To apply to graduate school where he lives?

Well, I’ve done all of those things. Some were rather harmless. Others…I don’t think I would advise.

Now for the deeper bits. If you didn’t want a change — at least in some small way — why bother pairing up at all? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

Me, well…I want a change. Someone to push me and strengthen me where I’m weak. Someone I can cheer on and fortify where they are weak. To become more as a pair than we could ever have been apart. To bask in the transformative power of love.

And doesn’t love — no matter how brief — change us all for the better? So changing for love and because of love shouldn’t be such a scary prospect (to all you “nice guys” out there — so go on, chase the girl).

So, after taking another look at the menu, I’ll take one order of love with some hot sex on the side…here’s to change.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. February 1, 2011 10:06 am

    Seems like changing WHO you are and changing to become a better person are two completely different things, right?


    • February 1, 2011 10:39 am

      Hey Eric, yes, I would agree. The hard part is knowing where the boundaries are around who you are and being sure not to broach them. Have you had experience with this issue in particular?


  2. Roxy permalink
    May 17, 2011 6:58 pm

    I agree with this.

    Even if we are pushing forward to be the best versions of ourselves, sometimes it takes someone stepping into our lives to show us where we’re lacking. That’s not trying to change who someone is. That’s trying to make them the best version of themselves, and, the best version them in their role as a lover to you.

    It pisses me off when someone expects you to love them unconditionally. You love your children unconditionally. You love your parents and siblings unconditionally. Your significant other needs to respect your needs and desires too, even if that requires them to alter a part of their life. If they want to be with you, that’s the exchange they make. Expecting a significant other to love you unconditionally only breeds disrespect and control in the relationship. That’s an unfair burden for anyone.

    The real battle is finding the parts of yourself that you will not change for anyone, and finding those same areas in your partner. If you cannot live with THOSE, you ultimately have a problem. Everything else is simply par for the course.


    • May 17, 2011 7:15 pm

      As always you hit the nail on the head Roxy. Knowing the items that are unchangeable is the bottom line.


  3. May 17, 2011 7:11 pm

    I just read this post along with the other about “nice guys finishing last”. I doubt you’ll have a tough time making it as a professional writer, if that’s your goal, especially if you can consistently pump out controversial stuff like this. It’s the sort of thing I can picture in a magazine.


    • May 17, 2011 7:14 pm

      Thank you. To be honest, I was expecting far more incendiary responses today. I appreciate the encouragement. And what magazine can you imagine a post like this appearing in? Maybe I should send the post int that direction. 😉


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