And then there was one…
“Just don’t sit on your couch crying and eating all day.”
Well, it would have been a year today. But we didn’t quite make it.
At first I wasn’t completely sure that he meant “break up” by what he was saying on Friday night. But, it’s been sinking in for four days now, and we had talked a couple of times since then. It is certain now. And, despite my mother’s instructions, I did do a lot of crying. I guess it’s a good thing I had a four-day weekend.
He thinks it’s for the best. Or at least best for me.
Me, I feel like I’ve been punched. And I don’t even want to accept that it’s true. Despite the pain, it doesn’t quite feel over. That’s actually what my counselor said when I told her what had happened: “This doesn’t seem like the end,” she said. And I agree about the feeling. And I don’t want to be done.
But break ups aren’t subject to popular vote. Only one vote is needed to cede from the union, and he voted.
And then there was one…
I’m trying to make sense of it, without creating some ridiculous story that will become a defeating prophecy about all the other men I meet in my future — or just a big bitch-fest about all the men who have hurt me in the past.
So, instead of putting it into some twisted plot graph of my life and trying to define the major conflicts and motivations of all of the characters involved…let’s try to find the truth. Extrapolate the theme, if you will. (I know, it’s a bad metaphor, but it’s all I’ve got right now.)
So what’s true?
Well, I love him. Deeply, intensely…maybe a bit insanely. I may have never loved this fully before. Because of that, I have learned more about love and felt a greater burn than ever before. And I know that may be more about me being the fullest version of myself ever, rather than being all about him or us. But that makes it hard to give up. And hard to believe that it will ever happen again.
Of course, if it is about me being the fullest version of myself, then it should just keep getting better every time I love anyone, no matter who it is…right?
God, I hope so.
Okay, so maybe that is about me. But what about him? He has a lot of great traits that are really good for me. He’s gentle and giving, and so freaking smart. But he manages not to be smug about it and never treated me like he thought I wasn’t as smart as him. He’s the first smart man I know to have done that.
He’s affectionate and kind. He’s expressive and he laughs at things I do that most people would groan about. (He thinks it’s cute when I eat one Twinkie and save the other.) He always made me feel beautiful and he said he loved me almost every time I talked to him, saw him or even sent him a text. He didn’t pull back when I tried to touch him in public, and he didn’t treat me like everyone of his erections was my responsibility.
He gave me things I’ve never gotten from anyone else in a relationship before. And I’m sad to lose that. And I’m scared that I won’t get to have it again.
God, I hope not.
I was always myself around him. That’s a win for me — because it’s difficult for me to do with a man I am so intensely attracted to — and a commentary on our connection as well. It was comfortable and thrilling. I didn’t think those things could really co-exist. He always felt safe, even if there was some drama involved. And safe is a big deal for me.
There was drama to be sure — and those of you who know the story, know how intensely dramatic it was. But I chose him anyway. Over and over. Despite any drama. I chose him. I kept choosing him. That was an interesting lesson. The more I chose him the more important it was to me to be with him. The closer I felt to him.
Note to self: Keep choosing the person you are with.
The drama also put me through things I never thought I would have to do or say in my lifetime, and I learned a lot about myself as a result. So, thanks for that, Rick.
What else is true. I told him he was making a mistake. That he needs someone like me and I need someone like him. And this feels like a waste. But, maybe I’m just being dramatic about it all this time.
Then there was one…