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By Now…

April 29, 2015

claire-pettibone-dress-veil-ivory-bouquet-ribbons“Man college was ten years ago,” she said as she looked at her caramel roll.

“I know, it’s kinda crazy.” I replied.

“Wow…”

“Man, I thought I would be married by now,” I said with a sigh.

“Me too,” she said.

I let out a quick, soft laugh.

“I mean you’re amazing. You’re beautiful, funny, smart, caring…”

She went on. And it was so sweet of her.

I had breakfast with my best friend from college this past Saturday morning. It was great. We talked about all sorts of things, probably most notably my love life, given current circumstances.

She was sweet, she listened — and she made no judgement whatsoever about it all. Which I appreciate so deeply.

I know I did a lot of things during the relationship that most girls say, or think they would never do. Heck, I probably thought I would never do some of it either. I honestly faced some of the hardest choices of my life during this pairing. And you know what, I’m glad I did.

Now I know for sure, when it comes to Crystal, love wins out. Pretty much every time. I can see the beauty and wholeness of the people in my life even when they are behaving like the lowest versions of themselves. But I know the truth. And I can hold the truth about that person in that moment. And that truth overcomes a lot for both of us at that moment. I can have the deepest levels of compassion and empathy for people who are doing things that hurt me.

Up until this point I don’t think I have been very great about doing that for anyone, especially myself. I know I’m getting better at it. And I know that I need to love and accept myself fully, and that will draw in someone who loves and accepts me in the same way.

So, if this last relationship is an indication of how I feel about and treat myself, then I’m doing pretty good. I was always incredibly comfortable with him. So, comfortable with myself? Great!

I was very grateful for him at all times. I had a deep desire to get to know him better. I wanted connection as often as possible. So, same for myself? I would hope. I think maybe. Yeah.

So, the next relationship? Well, I’m working very hard to take care of myself currently. I hope that means I will attract someone who does the same and will want to, and be willing to, take care of me. I’m always working to slay my dragons and exorcise my demons. So, hopefully, he will do the same, and his past won’t hang over him like a shadow. He won’t be defined by his pain. But he will have dealt with it. Confronted it and learned the lessons there.

I’d like him to be someone spiritual so that he can respect and understand that aspect of my life. Someone who has done the work to become a version of himself that he not only loves and accepts, but is proud of. Someone courageous. Someone who likes his life, or who — at the very least — is working to make it better.

Someone who wants an adventure…wants THE adventure. Of life. Of love. Of me.

I really just want to get close and share and build something — create something — together. Even if I am too old to have kids by then, I want to make something together. Something that can grow.

Man, I thought I would be married by now.

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