Because You’re Magnificent…
My lovely friend, I could tell that you were still upset after our talk today. I know you are going through a really hard time; dealing with something large. Something so pressing that it feels like it is pressing through the back of your skull.
I know you have made some choices that you currently consider mistakes, and some of the consequences of those “mistakes” include some of the pain that you are going through now. This issue that has become so large and emotional that it has taken on a physical element, and it seems to move through your body when you think of it: crashing waves through the inside of your stomach.
So, you try not to think about it. But it persists. It persists because it needs your attention.
You are clearly trying to answer some questions about yourself and about life that seem unanswerable. It’s confusing. You want to do it right. You want to find the answers, and you want as few people as possible to get out of all of this frustrated, messy, confusion without being hurt. The pressure created by this confusion has created a physical pressure within your chest that seems to threaten to shatter though your breastplate each time you let yourself think about it all.
But it is safe. And you need to keep thinking about it. You can do this. You’re even lucky that you get to.
Of course, my first response is empathy. I am definitely sad for you. I can feel your pain in an exquisite way. I remember the times when I have felt the same things. The times when I was afraid I had gone too far down a certain road to justify heading back or starting over. The times when I felt afraid that I wasn’t the person I wanted to be — the person I was supposed to be — because I had done too many terrible things to myself and everyone else around me.
So yeah, I feel for you. But I am also so excited for you. Jealous even. You are in the right place. The perfect place. This not an ending. It’s a beginning. Even if it all crumbles down spectacularly around you, and you don’t know what you want or where you want to go the entire time it is falling, you are in still in the right place.
I have complete and utter faith that you will not only get through this well, but perfectly. The places that you are now in pain will soon be the places that are lively, green and growing. I know that you are in the right place because I heard you asking the right questions. And as a great friend of mine once said, “If your brain can manage the question, your soul already has part of the answer.” You just have to get your heart into it all so that your brain and soul can have a conversation.
And the truth is, where you end up and who you become may never make perfect sense to the logical bits of you that have been groomed by our families, friends and societal constructs. Heck, the things that have led you here may never make complete sense either. But I see it in you. The light. The desire. The thing that will ultimately mean that you will end up in the right spot. In the right way. With the right people intimately woven into your heart and life.
Yes, you may have to break everything open and tear it all apart in order to re-build the thing your guts are telling you you want. But your guts are right. Everything you are wanting is everything you deserve. It is everything that the Universe is dying to give you.
You are magnificent.
You are wild.
You are lovely.
You are wise.
Kind, beautiful, compassionate, smart, daring, passionate, funny, wonderful, magical, creative, powerful … and … and more. So much more. (My vocabulary really couldn’t ever do you justice.) You are so much more than I have ever seen, and so much more than you have ever seen. You are more than most people can even imagine.
But you can imagine it. You have imagined it. That life. That life that is totally you. The adventure. The passion. The joy. The friendship. You can have it. You can create it. I might go so far as to say that it is your duty to yourself and the rest of us to strive toward creating it.
And I am jealous of you. The striving. The journey. The things you will learn about yourself, about others, about the Universe if you keep imagining. If you keep asking those right questions. They are huge. The journey will be fantastic, wild and even fun. Enjoy getting “there.”
But, of course, where you are right now feels like the hard part. The dark night of the soul and all of that. And you, naturally, have some fears.
I heard you say that you are afraid to hurt anyone. That makes sense. But I really believe that if you aren’t doing what’s best for you, you aren’t doing what’s best for the people in your life. So, you have my permission to hurt other people if it is about getting yourself to the right place. If it’s about the truth. If it’s about clearing a path and cleaning up any of your “mistakes.” Go for it.
Heck, hurt me if you need to to get where you need to go — please!
I’m about due for another lesson in forgiveness, acceptance, growth. Bring it on!
I also heard you say that you are afraid to be alone. I don’t really think anyone is every totally alone. But I understand. And beyond that, I think that sometimes we have to make a place for the thing we deeply desire. A spot on the mantelpiece for the trophy you’re pursuing, perhaps? An empty space in the bed next to you in order to make room for love? Quitting a bad job, a bad friendship, a bad relationship in order to make room for the right one.
Sometimes we have allowed the wrong things to grow and they have choked out the sunlight from the place where our roses want to bloom. When that happens, it’s time to do some weed-wacking!
I know, this is a doosey of a message. And I guess the most important part is that you’ve got this. You can’t do it wrong, as long as you are doing your best. You’re amazing. I love you. I am so excited for you, and I can’t wait to see what starts to grow once you pull out all the weeds. You are magnificent. You are blooming. These pains are growing pains. I am certain of it.
You are magnificent.